No Parent Is Safe On “Lost”!

Daniel Faraday: Helping Me Bring Back The Skinny Tie

Man…do parents take a beating on “Lost” or what? At this point, the only good parent in “Lost” history is Claire. Wait, she left her baby sitting on a leaf in the jungle…scratch that. How about this…let’s assume that Desmond and Penny are good parents okay? That way, “Lost” isn’t giving the ‘rents a constant crotch kick.

Last night, the “Lost” geeks theory came true as we learned that Daniel Faraday is indeed the son of Islanders Charles Widmore and Eloise Hawking. One can also assume that Daniel was born on the Island, which could explain his supposed super brain. Well, it doesn’t explain it exactly, but it gives a reason for his weirdness.

That was one of the many things we learned about Daniel in “The Variable”, not to even begin to mention his lack of hair care throughout his entire adult life.

Goonies Never Say Die!

Holy cow, how the hell did I miss this? Empire got the freaking Goonies together?!?!

Not Even Shiny, Sharp Claws Can Stop These Lukewarm Reviews For “Wolverine”

"That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"

One has to feel badly for Hugh Jackman. He genuinely seems like a swell guy with a fairly hot wife and a nice little family. Unfortunately, it seems like critics aren’t a big fan of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”. It’s holding steady at a 33% cream of the crop clip at Rotten Tomatoes and even the geeked out fanboys that watched the leaked version aren’t happy with the finished product. Almost every review, even the better ones, rip the weak plot and complain about the poor special effects. Most reviews are nice enough to Jackman and almost all of them dig Liev Schrieber as the villain.

What has to be done for Marvel Studios to get the rights back to the “X-Men” characters? It is obvious that Fox has no flipping idea what to do with these movies and they are just pissing all over a pretty cool comic book legacy. Not that I ever read those silly little books…well, maybe a few, when I was really young…okay, I picked up a few while I was in college out of curiousity…whatever, I have a monthly subscription to nine comics, big deal.

Cinematically Correct note/question: Who wins in a fight, Wolverine or the Rabbit of Caerbannog? No, Wolverine does not get to use the Holy Hand Grenade.

Did You Really Think A “Lost” Wednesday Would Slip By Unnoticed Here?

It’s been two weeks since we have been treated to a new episode of “Lost”. Last time out, we learned that Miles was born on the Island and has daddy issues because his dad is Dr. Chang, a Dharma fella that ditched him as a child. Remember, you aren’t a “Lost” character unless you have a love/hate parent relationship.

Judging from ABC’s episode description, tonight’s episode, “The Variable”, will be about Daniel Faraday and what he has been doing during his time in the 1970s. Here is the description: “The time of reckoning has begun when Daniel Faraday comes clean regarding what he knows about the island.” Yikes…ominous.

So will we get some hardcore Island answers? I think we will. Here are my guesses (guesses…not spoilers!) of what will go down tonight:

• We’ll find out that yes, Daniel is indeed the son of Eloise Hawking and Charles Widmore.
• Daniel was born on the Island.
• We will find out who and why Daniel was so broken up and crying when he heard about the Oceanic 815 wreckage being found.

Here is the preview of tonight’s episode from a few weeks ago. It looks like Jack may finally get his act together, which would be fantastic. I am sick of mopey, douchebag Jack.

Princess Buttercup Has Finally Escaped The Grasp Of Prince Humperdink

"It's a divorce Mr. Hand!"

Today, Sean Penn filed separation papers from Robin Wright. This is shocking only due to trying to understand why she didn’t ditch Spicoli a long time ago. Since I am a shameless reader of Gawker blind items, I read about all the rumors surrounding celebrities. There have been some divorce rumors lately and many people have believed them to be Penn and Wright. If you have time that I wish I did, I would love to go over those old blind items and figure out which ones could have been about them. Why do I care? I don’t know…I’m just a slave to America’s celebrity culture.

If you too love celebrity gossip, check this post out about Penn. Not only has Sean Penn stolen an Academy Award from Bill Murray and Mickey Rourke, he likes to nail Russian hookers. Yikes…and people say that Rourke is a loose cannon? Rourke couldn’t possibly afford two Russian hookers…one tops.

Cinematically Correct note: I didn’t post this because Penn is a flaming liberal. So please, let’s just let the guy continue to visit whores during this trying time.

“Greed, For Lack Of A Better Word, Is Good.”

Ollie Stone & Michael Douglas To Rock Gordon Gekko One More Time

"No, I haven't seen Chuck Sheen...think he went that way."

If “World Trade Center” and “W.” don’t give the impression that Oliver Stone has run out of ideas, well, the latest news should confirm it. Stone and Michael Douglas are going to get back together and make a sequel to “Wall Street”. Of course, this means that Michael Douglas will once again portray the greatness that is Gordon Gekko, a fictional character so awesome that he has his own Wikipedia page.  The early word is that Fox is going after Shia LeBouf to play Gekko’s young protege, which means that this won’t be a sequel as much as a complete and total remake of “Wall Street”.

So, is “Wall Street” the type of movie that begs for a sequel? No chance. That being said, I am 100% interested in seeing a movie with Gordon Gekko. Gekko is one of my all time favorite movie characters. The only request I have for a sequel, and this may seem crazy, but I need some Chuck Sheen. How badass would it be to have Gekko square off with Bud Fox again? It just seems like Gordon wouldn’t exactly take what Bud did to him lying down and he would have some sort of revenge planned.

Here are a few of my favorite quotes from Gordon, courtesy of IMDB:

“It’s a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses. Money itself isn’t lost or made, it’s simply transferred from one perception to another.”

“Sand bagged me on Bluestar huh? I guess you think you taught the teacher a lesson that the tail can wag the dog huh? Well let me clue you in, pal. The ice is melting right underneath your feet. Did you think you could’ve gotten this far this fast with anyone else, huh? That you’d be out there d***ing someone like Darien? No. You’d still be cold calling widows and dentists tryin’ to sell ‘em 20 shares of some dog s*** stock. I took you in. A NOBODY! I opened the doors for you! Showed you how the system works! The value of information! How to get it! Fulham oil! Brant resources! Geodynamics! And this is how you f***ing pay me back you COCKROACH? I GAVE you Darien. I GAVE you your manhood. I gave you EVERYTHING!”

“The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much.”

If You Thought The Swine Flu Was Bad…Creed Is Getting Back Together

"Have you seen my Ed Hardy t-shirt?"

This is Scott Stapp. He is an incredible douchebag. He was the lead singer for Creed, a band so crappy that they make Nickelback sound like Beethoven. Remember that song “My Own Prison”? If there ever was ear poison, that song is it. There is no antidote. Once you have heard that song, it will stay with you and haunt your dreams.

I could be going a bit overboard here…nonetheless, Creed is a terrible band that made terrible records. Since the majority of the radio listening public enjoys crap music, Stapp and his other failed band mates have decided to reunite as Creed to spare every living man, woman, and child to death.

Why Creed? There are so many other bands that should reunite instead of them. Here are the bands that need to get back together instead of Creed:

1. N’Sync

2. NKOTB

3. Whiskeytown (this one is serious…)

The ACL ’09 Lineup Is Here! One Word…Underwhelming

"How in the hell are we sharing a stage with Dave F'ing Matthews?"

For the first time in quite some time, I am completely uninspired by the Austin City Limits Music Festival’s lineup. Normally, this is the premiere music festival, but this one just doesn’t have me excited. Since I’m in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex, it’s easy for me to attend this festival and my attendance would hinge on the lineup. This one doesn’t appear to get my hard earned 200 bucks.

The weekend is being capped off by Pearl Jam, which is pretty freaking awesome. Unfortunately, I would have to fight through the beating of Dave Matthews, Ben Harper, Thievery Corporation, Sonic Youth (just awful live), Arctic Monkeys…there are just more bands here that I dislike than I like. Honestly, there are only a handful of acts that I would enjoy seeing, other than Pearl Jam. I would be front and center for Bon Iver, The Decemberists, Grizzly Bear, Blitzen Trapper, and Sarah Jaffe…but that is really it for me. Just knowing that one cent from my ticket would go to Dr. Dog disgusts me. That band sucks so bad that I can hardly describe it.

“The Hangover” Is Slowly Becoming My Must See Summer Flick

Get Ed Helms his own movie already!

The more I read and see regarding “The Hangover”, the more I want to see it. This new poster, along with two others currently on JoBlo.com, have officially sealed the deal. The marketing for this movie has been brilliant. Is there any doubt that we will be watching extreme idiocy courtesy of three funny dudes, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, and Zach Galifianakis?

Cinematically Correct note: Actually…don’t give Helms his own movie. Rainn Wilson got his own movie…and we all got “The Rocker”. Yikes.