Too Many Movies, Not Enough Weekend

As I mentally prepare for what will most definitely change my movie going life (“The Hangover”), there are a handful of movies in theaters that I am remotely interested in seeing. This weekend, Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me To Hell” and Pixar’s “Up” get into theaters. Mrs. Cinematically Correct will immediately axe any thought of seeing “Drag Me To Hell” and the idea of sharing a theater with hundreds of schmucky little kids to see “Up” is completely unappealing to me. I still have not seen “Terminator Salvation”. Yes, I believe that it will be terrible, but I still have some perverse interest in seeing it.

So here is the list of possibles for the weekend:

• “Up”
• “The Brothers Bloom”
• “Terminator Salvation”
• “Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past”…oh just kidding. That movie would be such a cinematic kick to the crotch.
• “Management”

“Lost” Keeps On Keepin’ On…Today, The 2007 815ers

It’s been two weeks since “The Incident” and I still find myself reading about “Lost”. Be honest…is that pathetic or am I just being a fan? Maybe a bit of both?

Last week, I went on and on about the 1977 815ers. As promised, albeit a day late, here are my thoughts on the 2007 815ers. Obviously, this will mostly focus on the events surrounding John Locke, Ben Linus, and the events leading up to their visit with Jacob.

The episode started out with Locke, Ben, and Richard leading The Others to see Jacob at his home, which is in the remains of the four-toed statue. Before I really get started, it is now confirmed that the statue was Egyptian god Taweret. I’ll get into this type of thing once we get to Jacob and the Island’s history, but Tawaret was the Egyptian goddess of motherhood. So think about that one for awhile…

Has Kevin Smith’s Bit Grown Tired?

Seann William Scott and Adam Brody have been added to Kevin Smith’s next directorial effort, “A Couple Of Dicks”. The movie follows two police detectives, played by Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan, as they try to find a stolen baseball card. Yeah…you read that right…a stolen freaking baseball card caper. I don’t care if Willis and Stifler are signed up, that baseball card theft angle alone makes me hate this movie already.

Good Lord…what has happened to Kevin Smith? Did he run into a stupid tree right around 2003 or 2004? He hasn’t made anything really great since “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back”…and this is coming from a person that is a huge fan of all things Kev. Now, he seems relegated to simply making movies with shocking titles like “Zach & Miri Make A Porno”, which was simply decent. Don’t even get me started on the complete and total embarrassment of “Clerks 2″.

“Dogma” is by far Smith’s best movie, with “Chasing Amy” coming in second. Sure, “Clerks” is funny, but it’s just too amateur to be considered a great movie. “Dogma” has come closest to a true movie of substance and, over time, it has become my favorite Kevin Smith movie. If anything, Kevin successfully got Ben Affleck’s best acting performance ever…in “Dogma”, not “Jersey Girl”.

Cinematically Correct note: Tracy Morgan is not funny. At all.

New Poster For “G.I. Joe” Only Brings More Confirmation Of Suckiness

Movies: Destroying Fond Memories Of Childhood For Decades

This is the latest “G.I. Joe” poster, courtesy of Empire. On the top far right is Joseph Gordon-Levitt as the Cobra Commander. Where the hell is the hood? What about the metal faceplate? Weak, weak sauce.

Being a child of the 80s, I was a huge fans of all things G.I. Joe related. The toys, comics, the cartoon…it was all very serious business for me. So far, all this movie is going to do is crush my childhood dreams.

The Masturbating Bear Lives!

This will never not be funny.

According to the New York Daily News, The Masturbating Bear will in fact move to “The Tonight Show” along with Conan O’Brien…and there was much rejoicing.

I Brought Marshmallows, Let’s Watch Katherine Heigl Torch Her Career!

Glorified nookie girl.

Google Image results are always a bit telling of the actor or actress. For example, here is the first Google Image page of Julia Roberts results. She looks pretty, classy, no racy shots at all. Now…check out Katherine Heigl. Nookie. Nookie. Nookie. The picture seen here, while definitely showing off what men like most about Heigl, is about as tame as you can find of her.

Heigl needs to go back to being a nookie girl because her career is tanking a bit. New Line has booted her from the cast of “Valentine’s Day”, a romantic comedy ensemble flick directed by Garry Marshall. The story is that Heigl asked for three million bucks, which is far more than any other actor in the movie. What actors are those you ask? Why nobody well known…just Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Bradley Cooper, and Shirley MacLaine.

I’m not quite sure if Heigl died on “Gray’s Anatomy” or not. I know that she looked sick in all the promos for the show that annoyed me during “Lost”. I do know that her character was apparently having sex with her dead fiance…or some nonsense like that. Man…somebody get Patrick Dempsey off that show quick. His hair is far too slick to be involved with it any longer.

Mike Tyson’s Epic Life Tragedy Gets Even More Incredibly Sad

Your heart has to go out for Mike Tyson and his family today after the news that his four year old daughter, Exodus, was removed from life support yesterday. I was aware of his daughter’s tragic accident, but work kept me so busy that I didn’t read about her passing until this morning. This is just another event in the very sad and unfortunate life of Mike Tyson.

You can say what you want to say about Mike Tyson, the bite, the failed marriages, the rape conviction, blowing through his millions of earnings…he truly brought many of his troubles upon himself. However, Tyson seems like a man that could sure use some good in his life and I really do feel for him today. He hasn’t done much to deserve it, but here’s hoping that someday in the near future, Iron Mike can gain some peace in his troubling life.

Sports Flash!! Cornell Lacrosse Lets Andy Down, Loses To ‘Cuse In NCAA Final

These guys aren't in "Here Comes Treble".

Today, Syracuse University won it’s 823rd (actual number not confirmed) NCAA Lacrosse Championship by beating Andy Bernard’s beloved Cornell Big Red.

In college, I killed a bat with a lacrosse stick. I’m not kidding. I actually killed a bat. I came home from class one day and a tiny little bat crawled out of my closet, stood up on its back legs, then took flight and circled the chandelier hanging from the ceiling. After shrieking like a small female child, I ran out of the room. I then gathered all my strength and courage (which took approximately 68 minutes, two beers, and one tequila shot), I borrowed a friend’s lacrosse stick, put on a long sleeve jacket and goggles, thus creating a make-shift hazmat uniform. Feeling very prepared and safe, I then proceeded to attack the bat.

The first few swings were completely failed. On the fourth or fifth swing, I knocked the bat out of the air and onto the floor. The bat, obviously dazed, flopped around on the ground. I then brought the lacrosse stick down in a chopping motion on top of the bat on the ground until it stopped moving. This is where my bravery ended and I went for help. A friend put on some thick, winter gloves and picked up the bat. We decided to just throw the bat carcass out the window. Unfortunately, the bat was either unconscious, a faker, or narcoleptic because moments prior to being chucked out the window…that son of a bitch woke up. One wing flapped violently and my friend chucked it out the open window.

True story. It’s one of the more insane things I’ve experienced…oh yeah, Syracuse beat Cornell in lacrosse. Here’s Andy Bernard:

Guaranteed To Suck: New “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” Movie

There is no other Buffy but this one.

The Hollywood Reporter is getting in on the Guaranteed To Suck news business. The director of the original “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” movie is planning on relaunching the franchise in the theater. Director Fran Rubel Kuzui directed the original movie, which starred Kristy Swanson as Buffy, and she plans on directing the movie again.

There are so many reasons as to why this is a terrible idea. First and foremost, Sarah Michelle Gellar was so good as Buffy on the television series that it will be next to impossible to re-cast the role. Also, the true, hardcore Buffy fans love the show’s characters so much that they may be a bit unforgiving to any new characters you force into that world.

The main reason why this is an awful idea? It doesn’t involve the main creator of the character, Joss Whedon, at all. Whedon wrote the original movie and for all that movie’s silliness, it has a campy charm to it that is kind of tough to resist.

Greatest Interview Ever Made By Zach Galifianakis & Brad “Lee” Cooper

As if I didn’t want to see “The Hangover” enough already…be sure to turn down the speakers as this is a bit vulgar.