Cinematically Correct Thinks “The Package” Is The Best Jin & Sun Episode Ever, But…Oh, Sorry…36 Minutes Until “V”

Are they gonna find each other again or what?

You know it, I know it: “The Package” is the best Jin and Sun episode of “Lost” ever. While not every one is bad, their episodes are usually a bit of a down turn when compared to say, Desmond, Ben, or Locke. However, they do have their place and this couple has been with us since the beginning and I think that most fans want to see them turn out okay. After last night, I’m beginning to think that simply won’t be the case.

Trailer For “The Expendables” Will Bring The Dead To Life

Watch this trailer and then check your pulse. If it isn’t over 100 beats per minute, immediately call an ambulance because you are legally dead.

Cinematically Correct TV Talk! The “24″ Fishface, Floating Aliens On “V”, & Saying Bye To Brenda On “DWTS”

While I am still collecting my thoughts from the best Sun and Jin “Lost” episode ever, how about we talk a few other TV shows?

“24″

It’s been a real iffy season of “24″ so far. I am probably being nice considering I spend the majority of the time mocking the show as I watch it. Don’t get me wrong, Kiefer Sutherland’s Jack Bauer is plenty awesome still but as soon as he is off screen, you can forget about it. Even my girl Chloe is fairly lame these days. She just scrunches her face up and whines for a full hour. It’s a serious beating. Don’t even get me started on Bubba Gump’s hunchback or Freddie Prinze Jr.’s annoying accent. It does help that as soon as President Hassan shows up, I yell out “Millionaire!” in a poor Indian accent.

However, if you are looking for the biggest dose of TV poison, look no further than Dana Walsh. This is by far the most annoying, idiotic, insanely developed character in the history of “24″, which is truly saying something. So this ex-con has created an identity that not only gets her into a job at a government defense agency, she is also a mole working for Islamic terrorists? Complete and total bulsh. To top it off, this Katee Sackhoff is a horrendously bad actress that looks like a fish. Wow…even I feel bad after that mean statement. I Googled her and she looks very pretty. I guess they uglied her up for “24″.

I will say that this past week’s episode was pretty stellar, other than the Dana Walsh stuff. That firefight in the tunnels was vintage “24″ greatness. Hopefully, it will stay on that roll this week. Also…look for my DanaWalshMustDie hashtag on Twitter. I keep hoping it will catch on.

“V”

Talk about pulling the momentum emergency break. After what feels like a year, the first season of “V” continued last night. It almost felt like they had to do a reset last night and I just couldn’t get into it as much as I would have liked. Again, it’s a decent show and I like all the parallels it is drawing with potential government control and big brother, “1984″ type stuff.

I’m still in due to the greatness of Elizabeth Mitchell. Anyone looking to cast her in a movie or a show should know that you have me as at least one guaranteed viewer and there are several other “Lost” junkies in that boat with me. The best thing about last night’s show was that we didn’t have to hear or see Tyler Evans, who is Mitchell’s Erica Evans’ son. Man, that kid is horrendously awful.

Morena Baccarin definitely stepped up the evil as the V leader, Anna. She had always been creepy, but last night really sealed the deal as far as who to hate on the show. If that final scene didn’t give you creepy crawlies…ugh.

Finally, a friend pointed out how bad the effects look on the show. Overall, they aren’t terrible but the interiors of the alien ship are really bad. The actors look like they are floating in the air. One would think they could have built a partial set or at least built an actual floor for the actors to stand on. This way, the floor is real and wouldn’t give each of those shots that float look. Maybe.

“Dancing With The Stars”

Way to go America. You booted Shannen Doherty and kept Kate Gosslein. Kate may actually be a V since she has already birthed an army that she uses for her own personal gain.

I have a theory on Pamela Anderson getting bad votes. See, middle American housewives love this show. They are conservative folks. These are people that don’t like Pam Anderson. They don’t like her because she is famous for her fake jugs, marrying white trash rock stars, then proceeding to bang said rock stars on camera. These are not things supported by Middle America. She’s in trouble and won’t last that long.

After careful consideration and judging, I’ve decided that Erin Andrews is indeed in first place in our hearts and minds.

If Cinematically Correct Had A Time Machine, We’d Rent “Hot Tub Time Machine” Instead…

Can A Movie That's Been In Theaters For Three Days Already Be Overrated?

So I’m a bit confused. Where is all the over-the-top crude humor? Where were all the references to 80s Cusack flicks that early reviews seemed to always mention? Where are all the scenes that will be burned into my pop culture brain for eternity? Sadly, “Hot Tub Time Machine” isn’t that comedy. There just aren’t any Taser gun to the face or chest hair waxing moments here that could really have put this movie over the top and into classic comedic status.

So how did this happen? How did a movie with this much comedic star power just miss the mark? Well, it may be due to the fact that the what was probably meant to be the funniest moment of the movie also is the most disgusting. It may be because the movie feels so episodic and disjointed. It may be because the movie’s big star seems so depressed and out of it throughout. Hell, the flick may have meant to be that way and I just missed the point. Whatever the reason, while quite hilarious in moments, it just didn’t reach “Wedding Crashers”/”The Hangover”/”The 40-Year Old Virgin” comedic gold territory.

The premise is fairly simple. Three middle aged friends set out for a weekend to try and help out their buddy after a failed suicide attempt. Of course, the three friends each have the stereotypical mid-life crisis problems: Adam (John Cusack, who must be friends with Richard Alpert because he doesn’t age) just had his live-in girlfriend move out, Nick (Craig Robinson) is a pathetically weak husband in an awfully depressed marriage, and finally there’s Lou (Rob Cordry). Lou is that manic depressive friend that has put his life in danger so many times that you don’t know if he’s trying to kill himself or just a dumpster fire of a human being. So the three guys, accompanied by Adam’s nephew Jacob (Clark Duke), head off to a ski lodge that they used to frequent in their youth.

It’s easy to know what happens next. They gang gets to the lodge, hops in the hot tub, and inexplicably are sent back to 1986. The most genius part of this time travel is that they go back and, instead of being older, they are stuck as their 1986-selves. From here, the movie has ups and downs, with most of the downs involving Chevy Chase as the hot tub maintenance guy. The ups come from my favorite part of the movie involving Crispin Glover’s one armed bellhop. Of all the moments in this wannabe 80s comedy, this one hit the nail right on the head.

By no means do I dislike this movie. Maybe I was just oversold by all the early hype? But I don’t think so. My main problem with the movie is what most will love about it. Rob Cordry’s Lou is far too easy to hate. He’s not only a dangerous alcoholic, he is a prick to who are supposed to be his friends. Sure, he’s hilariously sarcastic and rude, but by the end of the movie, I just didn’t like the guy. Not only that, but Cusack’s Adam is such a depressing sad-sack of a human that he’s tough to like as well.

The real winner here is Craig Robinson. He has the most boring character to play but yet every line he delivers is understated comedic gold. I measure comedies by the pieces of dialogue that somehow are immediately burned into my brain and his are the ones that I remember most.

The White Bread

“Hot Tub Time Machine” would probably have been a lot more fun if it actually mocked the 80s in a way that didn’t seem to despise it. I won’t go into why the 1980s are seen as a failed decade pop culture-wise, but it wasn’t as bad as the world would like us to believe. The 1980s gave us “Thriller”, Journey, Indiana Jones, Air Jordans, all kinds of things that don’t suck. Sadly, “Hot Tub Time Machine” pretty much only references the crap (Poison, Miami Vice, popped collars, tape decks) that made the decade so disposable. I would really only recommend this movie based on Craig Robinson’s performance alone. For me, he completely saves the movie from becoming a depressing mess.

My Dreams Were A Wonderland

All of my Facebook friends were notified of a surreal dream that I had last night. If you are one of my Facebook friends, I apologize for rehashing it in the blogosphere. Also, if you are one of my Facebook friends…lucky you.

Here is the dream:

I was driving on a highway. It felt like I was on my way to work. I must not have been in too much of a hurry because I stopped off at a Waffle House for coffee. Yes…a Waffle House. I go inside, have a seat at the bar, and order my coffee.

So I’m just chilling out, drinking my coffee, battling second hand smoke, and playing with my iPhone…which apparently cannot even elude my dreams. There is a bit of commotion behind me near the entrance. I turn and in walks John F***ing Mayer. He has some “people” with him and they scurry him in, past an mob of screaming chicks, who are no doubt idiots. The Waffle House is packed (when aren’t they?), except for a lone seat at the bar, right next to yours truly. Mayer walks over and sits down.

We start chatting about something that I can’t remember and unfortunately, we hit it off. This may speak volumes for my personal opinion of myself, considering that Mayer has broken the scale that measures jackassery. Somehow, Mayer learns that I can play guitar. He orders someone out to his bus and they return with two guitars. Mayer asks, “Can you handle the 12-string?” I tell him yes and we set up shop in the corner…of the Waffle House…with John Mayer…and me on 12-string.

We go over some things, chord structures, song progressions, what have you. Next thing I know, I’m playing rhythm guitar at an impromptu (second use of that word today) Waffle House John Mayer performance for truckers and hobos. After every song, I keep telling some woman, “I can’t do anymore, I need to get to work.” Mayer keeps telling me, “Don’t sweat it”, then we bust out a killer rendition of some douchey Mayer song that I truthfully don’t know.

Think the story ends there? Nope, this one is about as long as a live performance of Mayer’s “Gravity”, but probably not as hilarious. I get up to leave, but am whisked off to the Mayer Bus, where God knows how many poor groupie chicks have been violated. In mere moments, we arrive at an arena. I am given what may have been a killer Rickenbacker and I’m about to go on stage with The Mayer.

Then I woke up. Please pray for me.

This Overseas Poster For “Robin Hood” Makes Me Talk With My Hands

Eyyy! I like'a ta give'a to da poor'a!

True, professional critics aren’t supposed to blather on about how much they love this actor or musician or filmmaker or whatever. As you probably know, I am not a professional…well…anything. This is why it’s totally fine for me to voice my hero-worship of all things Ridley Scott. I love his films so much that I like his brother Tony’s movies too, even when they suck.

My unabashed love of Scott has led me to worship Russell Crowe as well, since they apparently can’t make movies without each other. That’s fine by me because every single flick they have made is totally kickass. Seriously, “Gladiator”, “American Gangster”, “Body Of Lies”…flipping greatness and Crowe not only rocks in each of them, he is a complete chameleon. Crowe is the best character actor working today, but in the body of a movie star.

Here is a foreign “Robin Hood” poster. Looks like it may be in Italian. It also looks like Crowe is going to whup your ass. If I made a list of my most anticipated 2010 flicks (which isn’t a bad idea), this is right near the top, if not #1.

Cinematically Correct Thinks That After “Ab Aeterno”, Flocke & Richard’s Favorite Song Is “My Body Is A Cage”

Okay, I've got the cross...now where's my Emmy?

It seems silly for me to start writing about how sick this week’s episode of “Lost” was. If you watched it, you know it was off the charts. It was epic. I’m talking “The Constant” epic. I would be remiss to not point out that my idea that the Island is simply a jail to keep Smokey/Flocke/The Man In Black away from the rest of the world is now 100% officially correct. So…yeah.

The Island Is A Prison…Who Thought Of That One…

Unlike Jacob, I will gloat. I said it was a jail for Smokey awhile ago and now, I’m right. It’s a “Lost” first for me !

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

For The First (Perhaps Last) Time Ever: Cinematically Correct’s “Dancing With The Stars” Recap

Last night, a massive new audience tuned into ABC’s “Dancing With The Stars”. There are several psuedo-stars on the show that probably bring in a small chunk of audience all by themselves so I’m sure the ratings for the show will be off the charts massive. It no doubt will take a bite of the already shrinking audience for Fox’s “24″, which is getting worse and worse each week…thus ensuring that I die inside more and more every Monday night. Whether you are a fan of DWTS (that’s what the fans call it) or you simply love watching chicks with huge chemical balls attached to their chests, you have to admit that last night was nothing if not…interesting.

I have decided to review each “celebrity” using small, short phrases as I a) don’t really care that much and b) have to get to work. Guys first.

• Chad Ochocinco: Good dancer (I think?). Immediately loses points for associating with Terrell F’ing Owens.
• Jake Pavelka: Yeah, we get it with the roses. Stop sparing America and go back to obscurity.
• Evan Lysacek: Dude, how can you suck at dancing? You dance on skates for God’s Sake.
• Aiden Turner: I haven’t cared for him since “Legends Of The Fall”. His partner is smoking hot though.
• Buzz Aldrin: I may be a prick, but I’m not evil enough to bust on the 80-year old astronaut.

Now, the ladies…

• Shannen Doherty: She made more people cry last night than any of her acting ever has…or did it…
• Niecy Nash: Horrible dancing, but her inclusion means that Dangle may show up at some point.
• Nicole Sherzinger: Never heard of her until recently, mostly because I don’t visit strip bars.
• Kate Gosslein: Has to be the first to go. How can she exploit eight small children in PA from California?
• Pamela Anderson: Her dancing just seemed too…hepatitisy for me.
• Erin Andrews: One word can describe the performance of America’s Sideline Princess: Awesomesauce.

Until next week. Maybe. I barely made it through the show last night, Lord only knows if I can make it through two let alone an entire season. I warn you, if I do make it any further, it’s only going to get meaner, chippier, and probably not funny. Definitely not as funny.

Tonight, These “Stars” Will Dance Their Ass Off

I am proud to say that I have only watched one airing of “Dancing With The Stars”. It was the season finale when J. Peterman himself, John O’Hurley, danced in his Himalayan walking shoes…which of course made his feet feel resilient.Tonight, at the very least, I am DVRing the show. Why? My wife is a big Evan Lysachek fan.

Oh, that’s bullsh. It’s getting recorded for two reasons: Shannen Doherty and Erin Andrews. I suppose you could add me pulling for ultimate failure for Kate Gosslein and Pamela Anderson to that list as well. In fact, it straight up bothers me that those two ladies are famous. What are they famous for? Let’s see, Kate had a bunch of kids, big whoop. Pamela Anderson is famous for being a whore and I can’t stand the nookie girl.

So that’s why I’m going to record the show, then pull for Andrews or Doherty. Maybe Niecy Nash because she’s funny. Chad Ochocinco too, since he’s amusing. Oh, Aiden Turner too…who didn’t love “Desperately Seeking Susan”? Wait…not the right Aiden? I see.

Oh my God…I think I love this stupid dancing show. Please help.