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Archive for September, 2010

The Twitter Effect: A Study Of Blog Neglect & Other Fine Things You Will Be Wanting To Enjoy Because They Are Fine

Why is that prick smiling? Nothing funny about Twitter failure.

It turns out, Twitter has been the dearth of Cinematically Correct. It’s not because I am spewing forth all kinds of opinion on movies or music or TV there, it’s more like my writing has taken a sharp turn towards…the insane, free-flowing thoughts of a crazy person.

I look back at posts the last few weeks and there isn’t a shred of actual opinion. Ah, that’s too much. There is opinion, but none of which is based on fact. Actually, quite a bit of it is based on nothing more than lying in an effort to be funny. It’s sad and I’m not proud of it. So here are some odds and ends:

  • There are a few reasons why I never watched NBC’s “Chuck”. The biggest reason is that even when I did DVR it, I never seemed to choose it as I perused through the list of things to watch. It just kept being skipped over so I eventually pulled the plug. Well, after the latest ratings, NBC may pull the plug on “Chuck” as well. The 2.0 share in the 18-49 market had them just above the now-dead “Lone Star”. As much as I enjoy Adam Baldwin on Twitter, it’s probably about time to say bye to “Chuck”. Sad face.
  • Tonight, I have two passes for free early screenings of “Let Me In” and “It’s Kind Of A Funny Story”. My job, which is considerable more time consuming than those in the past, keeps me from my blog during the work day, but it also makes me…tired and wanting to be at home. Normally, I run to these screenings like Tyrone Biggums to a Free Crack Giveaway. But tonight, I may skip them both and play Madden. No, I don’t smoke weed. I’m just that effing lazy.
  • So I listened to the new Sufjan Stevens album, “The Age Of Adz”, on NPR today. My initial assessment? This record is going to make the guys in Animal Collective shit themselves. Sure, that band really has that electro-folkie move down pat, but Sufjan is about to beat them at their own game.
  • Seriously, do you know how hard it is to come up with a remotely amusing title for a blog post that will hopefully attract one click from Twitter to here? It’s a bitch. This 140 character Twitter noise sucks. Also, how about you score me the New Twitter there Twitter? It would be so choice. Like a red Ferrari.
  • By the way, you should follow me on Twitter. I’m @Chiccywood. Yeah. Don’t ask. Okay ask. My nickname is Chic. The rest you can figure out.

Good TV Shows That I’ve Recently Watched On My TV

My entertainment center. Full HD in a 10" screen. Jealous?

The Fall TV season is underway and I’ve begun to catch up on my DVR Backlog. It’s kind of strange, but I really can’t even remember the nights that most shows actually air. That’s how dependent I am on the DVR.

There are a handful of shows I haven’t started watching yet. For some reason, I like to let two or three episodes collect on the DVR, then watch them all in a row. Oh, who I am kidding? I do this so I have a reason to not move for three to four hours every Saturday afternoon. It’s tremendous.

Here’s what I think so far:

  • By far, my favorite new show right now is AMC’s “Rubicon”. If you are into following a massive government conspiracy being solved by several neurotic eggheaded analysts, then my friends, I’ve found your show. It also helps that Arliss Howard is freaking tremendous in it. Did I mention that not only is Mike Hammer in it, but he apparently has a penchant for banging his receptionist? No? Well he does. Mike Hammer bangs his receptionist.
  • The runner up for favorite new show is ABC’s “Detroit 187″. Yeah, it’s just another cop show with the same old one crime solved per episode cop show standard. Normally, that means the show gets the immediate ax for me. However, after about ten minutes, I completely worshipped Michael Imperioli’s character. Honestly, this is the type of role that wins people an Emmy. The show isn’t too involved, so the potential for a large audience is there, and the role is really quirky, funny, and still has an edge of intensity. Insert more pretentious praise here and you should watch this show.
  • This is painful: So far, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”…has…been…sub-par…faint. They have been a few zingers and one liners that I find myself repeating but overall? Not so great.
  • How great have the FX shows become? I’ve not watched “Sons Of Anarchy” but I understand it’s great and my love of “Louie” and “Archer” is not a secret. In fact, the best thing about “It’s Always Sunny” so far have been the “Archer” promos. I simply cannot wait for the new season…and neither should you.
  • Oh yeah. FX. The new show “Terriers” isn’t bad at all. It’s pretty damn clever and funny. I dig seeing Donal Logue play such a cool character. That guy has been in tons of stuff and it would be great if he could finally get a big hit show.
  • On the DVR and unwatched: “Boardwalk Empire”, “The Event”, “Bored To Death”, “Eastbound And Down”…yeah, I don’t know how I’m going to watch all these shows either. Especially since…
  • ...the Philadelphia Phillies have the best record in the National League, are about to become NL East Champs for the fourth year in a row, and possibly be the odds on favorite to win the World Series for the second time in three years.

This Is The Best News About Two Lost Cast Members That You Will Read In At Least Today

J.J. Abrams could pitch a remake of "Cop Rock" or "My Mother, The Car" & networks would listen.

There hasn’t been a ton of noise coming from the former cast of the greatest show that you’ve ever seen (“Lost”…duh) lately. Daniel Dae Kim is in “Hawaii-Five-O” but that just has to be terrible. There is a tiny rumor out there that Josh Holloway is being considered for the part of Roland in the Ron Howard TV-movie-massive entertainment onslaught that is “The Dark Tower”. That would be awesome news.

But now, after a few weeks of speculation, it is official: two Losties are getting back together. Terry O’Quinn and Michael Emerson are going to film a pilot for NBC which, naturally, is being executive produced by J.J. Abrams, who either does not need sleep or has been cloned like Doug in “Multiplicity”.  Obviously, the retarded J.J. clone created “Undercovers” and “Felicity” while the smart J.J. clone was responsible for stuff like “Lost”, “Alias”, and “Star Trek”.

Like every Abrams project, details are kept under wraps as if they were the Masons hiding Jack The Ripper. Or LBJ hiding who really killed Kennedy. Or Obama’s birth certificate. Or other arbitrarily funny things that people idiotically think are massive conspiracies.

Sorry. Sidetracked. The show is rumored to be about two ex-black ops agents. As much as I love these guys starring in a show together, the casting just doesn’t make any sense. I mean…neither of them are black. Clearly.

Okay. Stop reading this now. See what Twitter has done to me? I can’t write one blog post about anything that could remotely be seen as journalism, news, and/or importance. It’s a sad state of affairs. Probably the saddest thing to ever happen to an American human being person ever.

On His 60th Birthday, Allow Me To Overpraise My Hero, Bill Murray

September 21, 2010 4 comments

Remember when Bill Murray got screwed out of Best Actor?

In 2004, Bill Murray was robbed in the most robbiest worst of ways. Sean Penn stood up and took the Oscar for Best Actor away from him. Yes, there was voting involved but it’s this bloggers firm belief that everyone that voted for Penn that year is and always will be completely out of their effing minds.

Don’t get me wrong, Penn’s good in “Mystic River”. But he just emotes and glares and whines and blah blah blah. It’s a performance that Penn could do in his sleep. He should not have won based solely on that “is that my daughter in there” scene. For some reason, that annoys me to no end.

Now, think about Bill Murray in “Lost In Translation”. Quiet. Understated. Funny. Touching. A sad, lonely, distant performance from a comedic actor that spent most of his career bringing in your face hilarity. Throw in the fact that he was completely robbed of awards for bringing us the genius that is Herman Blume in “Rushmore” and it’s really just more Academy stupidity.

Maybe it’s Murray’s infamous standoffishness that turns Oscar voters off? Do they hate the fact that he doesn’t live in Hollywood or politic on the Oscar circuit like other actors? Sure. However, it doesn’t change the fact that this guy is a genius…and that I’m still bitter about the 2004 Oscars.

So, happy birthday Bill. You’re my favorite actor, maybe favorite entertainer, working today. Why am I writing this as if you’ll read it? Is it because I secretly hope you will? Yes, it is. Pray for me America.

Cinematically Correct note: Please Bill, do not make “Ghostbusters 3″. Let’s leave well enough alone m’kay?

“The Town” Welcomes Back Ben Affleck The Actor & Confirms His Directorial Skills

September 20, 2010 3 comments

“Gigli”. “Jersey Girl”. “Pearl Harbor”. We all could go on and on and list all of the average, sub-par, and downright horrible Ben Affleck movies from the past ten years. Something must have happened to Affleck around 2006 because he took a smallish role as George Reeves in the underrated “Hollywoodland”. He took a few years off and took a few more small roles, with the highlight being Stephen Collins in “State Of Play”. In between those aforementioned roles, he adapted the novel “Gone Baby Gone” for the screen (good job there) and also directed it (great job there). So, after proving that he can indeed act and showing he could potentially successfully direct, what does Ben do?

What Ben Affleck does is adapt a novel into a screenplay, direct his screenplay, and also put himself in the lead role. He does all three of these things with equal skill and because of that, among other things, “The Town” is as entertaining, gripping, and intense as any crime thriller in recent memory. In short, Ben Affleck has returned from his mid-career slump.

Affleck stars as Doug MacRay, a former hockey prospect turned robbery mastermind. Doug’s crew isn’t your run of the mill, morons in ski masks knocking over liquor stores. These guys meticulously plan their heists, much like DeNiro’s gang in “Heat”. Except they do so with “Bastahn” accents.

The movie opens up with a fairly intense bank robbery, in which bank manager Claire (Rebecca Hall) is taken hostage. This is mostly due to the erratic, sociopath behavior from Jam (Jeremy Renner), who thinks they will need her if they get any police attention. They let Claire go, but still worry whether she could identify any of them. This doesn’t go over so well with the other guys in the gang as kidnapping is taken much more seriously than armed robbery by the authorities. So, in an effort to find out what Claire knows, Doug starts following her.

Naturally, Doug and Claire meet and begin to fall for each other. She is everything that Doug sees as an escape from his white trash, low life existence. Could she even help him escape the shadow of his life-sentence serving father (one scene with Chris Cooper and it’s a real winner)? Some people have problems with Claire falling for Doug, but I don’t. He approaches her after she was abducted and threatened by violent criminals with machine guns. Needless to say, she is feeling a bit fragile.

Those violent criminals are being pursued in a hardcore, full out bloodhound way by Jon Hamm’s FBI agent Adam Frawley. It should take you about five seconds to get over the fact that Don Draper is an FBI agent as Hamm shows zero trace of his now iconic role in this movie. He is like Tommy Lee Jones’ Sam Gerard, except he is willing to bend the rules and definitely not afraid to smack a few bad guys around to get what he needs.

Really, “The Town” is a big character study with a few intense bank heist scenes, which are borderline “Heat”-like. While that film dealt with wide open streets in Los Angeles, “The Town” is working in the two lane, tiny streets of Boston. It’s claustrophobic, which only adds to the suspense. The editor, Dylan Tichenor, and director Affleck deserve some major credit for creating these few action scenes in a way that is easy to follow and believable. You won’t find any hyper-quick editing here, which in my opinion, makes a movie suffer. Throw in some fantastic sound work (the machine gun fire sounds amazing) and you’ve got some great heist sequences. Michael Mann would be proud.

But, it all comes back to these characters, which are at the heart of it. Affleck, whose best acting to date for me was in “Changing Lanes”, now has his finest performance committed to film. He’s charming, funny, and intense when he needs to be. This is the perfect role for him and should be a sign of things to come. Blake Lively pops up as Jam’s younger sister Krista, a drug addict and potential mother of Doug’s illegitimate child. For the first time ever, Blake Lively made me not want to look at Blake Lively. That in itself is impressive.

However, the real scene stealer here is Jeremy Renner. Unlike “The Hurt Locker”, Renner’s Jam really has no likable qualities. He is straight scumbag lunatic criminal. He’s like a coiled snake that you could stare at for hours, unsure when it’s going to strike. His Jam isn’t a guy that loves robbing banks because of the money, he loves stealing because of the rush it gives him. You’ve seen this character in hundreds of movies before, but Renner is good that it seems like it’s the first time anyone has played crazed bank robber.

After about twenty seconds of movie, you know that it is not going to end well for everyone in “The Town”. It’s a very formulaic movie and isn’t going to blow your mind in the manner of “Inception”. However, it is easily the second best movie I’ve seen so far in 2010 (after “Inception”).

It’s impossible to not be reminded of “Heat” when thinking of this movie, but there is one thing “The Town” has on “Heat”: not even Michael Mann had the balls to film a robbery inside Fenway Park. For that alone, you should see “The Town”.

Cinematically Correct note: Titus Welliver has a decent sized role. He was the Man In Black on “Lost”. So, there you go.

Badass Overload: Phillies In First Place & The Return Of “It’s Always Sunny”

Nothing will ever beat "The World Series Defense". Nothing.

We begin with Mac’s letter to Philadelphia Phillies Future Hall Of Fame Second Baseman and Overall Handsome Man, Chase Utley:

“Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike. I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can’t throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real ‘home run.’”

If you know me, you know that the from that moment on, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” became the nexus of my very being.  Not a day goes by in which I don’t think about the physical strength, albeit glamor muscles, of Mac. The charity of Sweet Dee. The inventive nature of Dennis. The elder wisdom of Frank.

And Charlie. Sweet, precocious, adorable Charlie. He’s really just a bundle of hugs and feathers and magic. When he runs around as Green Man, it truly warms my heart to its very core.

If you choose to repeat any of this, please quote me directly. I do not appreciate being paraphrased as I choose my words very deliberately.

Two Trailers: One Made Me Meh, The Other Made Me Weepy

September 16, 2010 3 comments

Yesterday, two brand new trailers hit the Interweb machine and are now in your face and all over your computer on several different websites. Since you can easily find them in several different locations, I figured why not smack them up here and give you my two cents worth. Up first, “The Tourist” starring Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie.

Meh. Not too terribly great looking but not awful. Honestly, I feel the same about this trailer as I did for the first “Knight And Day” trailer…we all know that movie did not turn out too well. Of course, that movie had the poison that is Cameron Diaz and this has the very sexy looking Angelina Jolie. Throw in that magnificent hair of Johnny Depp and it could be a winner. Maybe. Not sure. I am sure that I want his hair.

Let me just say this first: I despise the director David O. Russell. The guy called Lily Tomlin the c-word. He made “I Heart Huckabees”, which is just 100% concentrated pretentious evil from the Gates Of Hell. It’s so God awful and irredeemable. He also made enemies with George Clooney. Yeah, Clooney. How does someone not get along with that guy?

However, this movie looks amazing. Marky Mark Wahlberg is really hit or miss, but when he hits (see “The Departed” and “Invincible”), he really hits. He looks pretty fantastic in this, but from what I’ve read, it’s Christian Bale who is going to be collecting nominations for this one. Yet again, Bale looks nothing like himself and is obviously in hardcore need of a cheeseburger. If he gets any skinner, he’d be opaque. The general idea of what I’m saying here is that Christian Bale looks very thin.

Harold Gould, My Favorite Movie Judge Ever, Passes Away

September 14, 2010 1 comment

"Can you remove your dog please? He's dribbling on my notes!"

It may or may not have been mentioned on this blog prior to today, but one of my all time favorite movies is the Chevy Chase-Goldie Hawn flick “Seems Like Old Times”. To me, it’s easily the best Neil Simon movie and right behind Fletch F. Fletch and Ty Webb as Chevy Chase’s finest hour.

Well, Harold Gould, known mostly from “Rhoda”, passed away today. I will forever and always know him as Judge John Channing from the aforementioned movie, the man who hysterically presides over one of the funniest courtroom scenes in movie history. From chicken pepperoni, to foot scraping, to a drooling St. Bernard, to the banter from Chase, Hawn and the genius of Charles Grodin, Gould is without a doubt the ringleader of all of it. His flustered, nervous performance cracks me up every single time I see it. At one point, Gould seems to realize the hilarity of all of it and you can see a smile appear on his face as he is just about to break character and laugh his ass off. No lie, I live for that one second in this movie and I then spend the next five minutes in tears over it.

If you haven’t seen this movie, you really should. It’s such a classic. In fact, I hear iTunes calling my name and quite soon, “Seems Like Old Times” featuring the genius of Harold Gould will be on the Apple TV.

Mustache Responsibility: Am I Ready For It?

September 13, 2010 4 comments

This is real. Not doctored. Not photo shopped. 100% authentic Berman 'stache.

I consider myself a pretty fashion forward guy and I’m always paying attention to new fads, what’s in style, and what is coming up on the fashion horizon. Naturally, one of my many resources for these tips is Chris Berman. Just look at that good looking sumbitch. He is just oozing off male sexuality. The comb-over, the grin, the tie…it’s just striking.

I’ve noticed something about Berman lately. Yes, something other than his wit, candor, and love of fine wines and cheeses. Why beat around the bush? It’s his beautiful mustache. Just…look at that gorgeous freaking thing. It’s as if Jesus God Baby himself came down from Heaven or his condo in Orlando and placed that mustache upon Chris’ amazing sports-cliche-laden lips.

So this begs the question, am I prepared to go back back back (I heart you Berman) to the 70s and grow out my own fantastic mustache? There are several things to ponder here. For one, I don’t know if I can grow a mustache as I never have had one. I can do stubble as great as anyone in the Great Southwest but full blown facial hair? That’s a stretch for me. Really the question is this: Am I a mustache having kind of guy?

Once that bushy mustache is on your face, you gain certain responsibilities. First of all, you have to start chasing away the ladies. If there is one thing that ladies love, it’s a mustache like a Spanish matador, just like you see on Chris Berman here. My mustache will be a One Woman Mustache so I can’t be sharing it with all the women who find it desirable.

Now, I’ll enjoy the mustache attention from the opposite sex as much as the next man, but the real benefit is the undeniable jealousy I’ll receive from every man sans mustache. They’ll look upon it with awe and perhaps reconsider their sexual orientation over it. Fingers crossed. It will be the envy of every man in the Great Southwest. Well, maybe except for the Mexican guys in the Great Southwest. But the white and black guys? They’ll fall to their knees and renounce their religious beliefs over it. That’s how powerful this muthereffing mustache will be.

So those are just a few things that I’m considering in an effort to be more like Chris Berman. Don’t even get me started on the goatee or Van Dyke. That’s another blog post altogether.

The 2010 NFL Picks That Will Make Your Pants Fly Off

September 9, 2010 3 comments

I’ve thought long and hard (huh huh) about these NFL picks. I’ve studied film, statistics, and athlete dong photos. These, among other factors, have attributed to these precise choices. You don’t have to thank me for the additional tid-bits of information either. It’s there just so all you fantasy football lovers/virgins can get that extra info going into your last minute drafts. As usual, please, no wagering.

AFC East

  1. New England Patriots. Tom Brady’s hair in the NFL Network commercials makes me doubt this pick, but he does have sex with Gisele Bundchen. That’s a win.
  2. New York Jets. I dig Mark Sanchez’s beard…and there’s always this.
  3. Miami Dolphins. You can give them one more win based on Bill Parcells and his fupa leaving the team. That thing is distracting.
  4. Buffalo Bills. Anybody else think that Alabama could give them a run for their money?

AFC North

  1. Cincinnati Bengals. It’s rare when the Bengals are the least crime committing team in the division.
  2. Baltimore Ravens. Yes, they are a good team but keep in mind, Ray Lewis may have killed a guy. That’s right.
  3. Pittsburgh Steelers. On a positive note, the Steelers lead the team in fat, stupid, arrogant, raping douchebag quarterbacks.
  4. Cleveland Browns. They should just take their talents to Division III college football.

AFC South

  1. Indianapolis Colts. Don’t want to start anything…but look up some stuff about Peyton Manning’s alleged poon-houndery. One word: “Tiger-ish”.
  2. Houston Texans. At one point, I promised I would root for this team. That was after their first game, when they beat the Cowboys. What an awesome day.
  3. Tennessee Titans. The fact that the word “tit” is in their name makes me want them to perform well.
  4. Jacksonville Jaguars. Hm. I’ve got nothing. So, here’s this.

AFC West

  1. San Diego Chargers. Norv Turner’s face looks like someone put a fire out on it using baseball spikes. They have a good team too.
  2. Denver Broncos. Tebow joke? Nah. I don’t want to be smited. Smote? Smoted? Whatever.
  3. Kansas City Chiefs. Sorry, but I can’t pull for a team whose city has the name of a state that it is not in in it. Look, this is hard. Some of these will not be my best work.
  4. Oakland Raiders. Tell you what…Al Davis? That sumbitch sure can dress. Where’s he get those track suits? For real. Who is his effing tailor? Bet he gets so much ass.

NFC East

  1. Dallas Cowboys. Remember when they blew up old Cowboy Stadium? Yeah…the team wasn’t in it. I know…bummer man.
  2. Philadelphia Eagles. My favorite team. By favorite, I mean I’m wearing an Eagles onesie this very second. Pray for me America.
  3. New York Giants. In Philly, we call them the Ginas. Funny right? Yeah. It’s not.
  4. Washington Redskins. There’s a good chance that I’ll cry like a bitch when I first see Donovan McNabb in this uniform.

NFC North

  1. Green Bay Packers. Hm, I think chicks dig Aaron Rodgers. He could be a douchebag though.
  2. Minnesota Vikings. Hm, I don’t think that chicks dig Brett Favre. He’s definitely a douchebag though.
  3. Chicago Bears. Embarrassing note: I owned the Super Bowl Shuffle song. On 45. Not really. I made that up for humor purposes. Don’t judge me.
  4. Detroit Lions. Thank goodness for Jack White or else Detroit would be so good for nothing right now.

NFC South

  1. New Orleans Saints. Until this team lives in the now and moves out of the dump that they play in, I am completely against them. Just say no to artificial turf.
  2. Atlanta Falcons. There’s this tiny part of me that thinks they win this division. It’s a shame that no one in Atlanta will care as they are the worst front running fan base in sports history.
  3. Carolina Panthers. Currently winning a vicious war to prove they are the least crap out of two crappy teams.
  4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They are losing the war mentioned above.

NFC West

  1. San Francisco 49ers. Cheer on the Niners! They get to win this division then get their ass handed to them in the first round of the playoffs as much more deserving teams sit at home!
  2. Arizona Cardinals. They would be better off if Kurt Warner’s Five O’Clock Shadow was quarterbacking the team.
  3. Seattle Seahawks. Finally, Pete Carroll can pay his players using direct deposit. That whole cash under the table thing was a real beating, what with all the ATM runs and such.
  4. St. Louis Rams. Call me crazy, but that Sam Bradford? I think he’s got some Injun in him. Is that the right word, Injun?

Playoff Teams & Results

  • AFC – Patriots, Colts, Bengals, Chargers, Ravens, Jets
  • NFC – Cowboys, Packers, Saints, 49ers, Vikings, Eagles
  • AFC Championship Game – Colts over Patriots. Manning steals Gisele afterwards as well.
  • NFC Championship Game – Packers over Cowboys. I don’t really think the Cowboys make it this far, just did this to taunt any potential Cowboy fans than may read this. Ha. In your face.
  • SUPER BOWL – Colts over Packers.
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