The Time That Zombies Attacked My Fraternity House & I Used My Black Ops Skills To Defend It

Lots has happened since I lasted posted something on Cinematically Correct. For one, we all celebrated Thanksgiving. Well, all of us except those damn dirty Commies trying to destroy our economy. We also went through Black Friday (a fantastic Steely Dan song BTW) and are currently enduring Cyber Monday, which as we all know is about this:

I love Cyber Monday, the day that we all utilize internet pornography really hard.—
Chic (@Chiccywood) November 29, 2010

Ha. But seriously, plenty has happened. Bad Korea is upset over Good Korean calling them names and stuff, some guy named Wiki leaked all over the place, and more importantly, I wrote a review of the fifth episode of “The Walking Dead”. Get your priorities straight and read the ramblings of a mediocre writer made further unreadable due to sleep deprivation.

But on to the real task at hand. Last night, I woke up at some point in the middle of a fairly odd dream combining several things that I had recently watched. Obviously, they had been rattling around in my head brain and were combined in a fiery ball of flaming fire. For some reason, my mind had combined “The Walking Dead”, Call of Duty: Black Ops, and my fraternity house to create a monstrosity that could not be slept through. Certainly someone was trying to go all “Inception” on me and I snaked my way out of it. I’m clever like that, so stop trying to infiltrate my dreams DiCaprio.

My fraternity house (which I haven’t visited in over ten years) has three floors. I should say “had” three floors as the charter was pulled by the University and the house turned into apartments thus destroying years of my youth…I digress. On the back of the house is a large wooden fire escape. Yes, it’s wood. That way, if the house caught on fire, it would too. Genius, I know.

I found myself perched atop the fire escape, rifle in hand, plugging away at the oncoming zombie horde. Of course, this was all done in first person shooter style, complete with a laser sight and everything. I laid there and fired away, only stopped by annoying sorority girls (are there another kind?) and the occasion zombie that staggered past my defenses. I even shot a few rival fraternity members just in case they may be zombies. Look, just because a zombie is saying, “Hey, please don’t shoot me! I’m a real guy!” doesn’t mean they are telling the truth. If anything, zombies are a very dishonest bunch of non-dead dead people.

So I shot at what had to be tens of zombies, alley cats, prostitutes (except when dead, they’re called hookers), West Virginia University graduates, Green Party members, etc. You know, all menace to society type people. Oddly enough, I’m a very non-violent person when I’m not playing a video game that awards you bonus points for shooting someone in the face or stabbing them specifically in the back. I’m a big believer in the right to bear arms, but I truly despise guns. That’s not a joke. That’s a rare actual opinion that I really, really hold.

I woke up before I really got a chance to understand how the zombies came to be. It would be super if I could learn why I felt the need to defend a fraternity house that I haven’t seen since Al Gore thought he could be President. You would think I would want to guard my actual home today. Of course, it’s only in danger from a guy that looks like the Predator and several large barking squirrels so there’s really no danger there.

Cinematically Correct note: This is really all I’ve got today. [whispers] I’m sorry.

More Famous British People That I Should Play On Film

Apparently, my more than obvious joke about wanting to star in a movie about Joe Strummer bothered some guy enough for him to call me an arsehole. Dude. It’s spelled “asshole”. Get it together or else your blog will never, ever be taken seriously. You know…like this one.

However, this got me thinking about other famous British people that I could easily portray in movies. Look, if Daniel Day Lewis can come over here and play Abe Lincoln, one of the most influential people in the history of my country, then it’s only fair that an icon such as myself do the same for famous Brits. Here are a few that I think I have the chops to portray:

Rickenbacker: The Movie

William Shakespeare - Since I obviously have the writing skills (I mean, just read my post about Joe Strummer), this should be a walk in the park. I’ll just hold a human skull in my palm, spout off some nonsense like “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”, and then watch the awards flow in.

Margaret Thatcher – Since she really hasn’t been portrayed in movies at all, I’ve decided I’d like to do a one man play about Thatcher. I’ll dress in drag, put on the orange wig, the whole deal. I think the most dramatic moment will be when Thatcher learns about the victory in the Falklands War and then explains to the world exactly where the hell the Falklands are.

Paul McCartney’s Rickenbacker Bass – It’s down to me, Blackie, Trigger, Lucille, Old Black, and Number One. Yes, those are the names of famous guitars.

David Beckham and Posh – This will stretch the limits of my skills. I’ll be playing dual roles. Of course, it will not be difficult for me to be as strikingly handsome as Becks, that’s fairly easy. On the other hand, it’s going to be tough to pull off that Posh vacant stare. She’s got that look down. It will also be uncomfortable to have those huge chemical balls strapped to my chest.

Michael Caine – There’s really nothing to make fun of here. I’d actually just like to be this guy, that’s how cool he is. Well, except for when he was in “Jaws: The Revenge”. That’s so not cool.

Big Ben – Honestly, this may be the role of a lifetime for me. See, I physically match the part. I’m fairly tall, pretty skinny, and I possess freakishly long arms. Of course, it would be helpful if one arm was shorter than the other. Don’t know what I would use for a second hand. Any ideas? Ahem. (Please see where this line of humor was going.)

Harry Potter – Wait, they’ve already made movies about that guy? I hadn’t heard.

Union Jack – I’ll be damned. Not a real guy. Son. Of. A. Bitch. I Googled it and everything. It’s the flag. Screw it, I’ll still play it.

Sir Isaac Newton – It may be a bit of a boring story, but it is definitely one that should be told. I mean, the guy that invented Fig Newtons deserves some credit. Especially once he came out with those Apple Newtons. Oh Dear Lord are those things freaking delicious. Seriously, go get some right now, thrown ‘em in a bowl, microwave them, then put vanilla ice cream on top. I’d gravitate towards that dessert 100% of the time.

Cinematically Correct note: If you are British, please don’t be offended. This is all in jest (and not that funny of a jest I might add). I love the British. Especially Bono.

This Is Not A Drill: Move To Defcon One On The Nerd Emergency Broadcast System

I hate myself for liking this game.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a PlayStation guy. I hadn’t played anything other than an EA Sports game like Madden or NHL for years. In fact, I bet the last time I played anything other than a sports game was in the mid-90s and that was maybe the first Resident Evil game. I just felt like those other games were for kids and the sports simulation-type games were for adults…which I clearly am.

Then, about three years ago, I picked up an X-Box 360. This was a massive turn of events for a self-proclaimed Sony dork. I’m still shocked today that I love the X-Box more than the PlayStation. On a side note, it’s good that I’m married and writing this. If I was single, there is virtually not a snowball’s chance in Hell that I ever score with a woman ever again.

The X-Box turned me onto something I had never done before: online gaming. I’d play random people at Madden or something, then spend 30 minutes cursing at my TV as some 16-year old doofus lit me up at football. Seriously. It pissed me off. I kept telling myself, “It’s cool. You are playing online sports games. You aren’t a nerd. You are like a white Miles Davis.”

Since they were sports games, it made me feel like less of a dork. Then, two weeks ago, something terrible happened. I bought Call of Duty: Black Ops. I kept reading on Twitter (where you can find me, @Chiccywood, again, I’m a whore for followers) about it. I liked the commercial that told me that I could maybe play the game with an accused rapist like Kobe Bryant. In other words, I was completely sucked in.

So I’ve got the game now. I started playing the regular game, where your character is voiced by Sam Worthington (my own personal cinematic Kryptonite). Seriously, this guy’s acting sucks when he’s standing in front of a camera and you want to make him the voice of a video game character? It’s so bad that it’s painful. However, running around and being able to whip out an Uzi or whatever then blow some Cuban Commie bastard’s legs off is incredibly appealing to an American Jesus Flag Eagle NRA Grizzly Mama Guy like myself. So I’m into it so far.

Then, a few days ago, the situation got worse. I started looking around on the menu and found where you can play online as a team with other losers/virgins/dorks/cool guys like me. Here’s the shame, I’m talking shame like how a dog looks when it’s taking a dump. I…I…I freaking love it. [whimpers] I really, really love it. I completely suck and get murdered by these moronic 8-year olds but it’s way fun. In fact, I’m getting into it so much that last night, I said the following: “I can see why you’d want to wear one of those microphone headsets as it is better to talk to your teammates.” Not joking. Those words that you just read came out of the hole in my face that makes word sounds.

So yes, I’m hooked. This game is awesome. We should all get together and play a match. That way, you can finally shoot me in the head as revenge for all the Internet space I’ve wasted with silly posts such as this one.

Wizards! Wands! Geeks Dressed In Cloaks! It’s Harry Potter!

Since I’ve been writing for MoviesOnline.ca, Cinematically Correct has been kind of slow. Of course, that happens when one site says to you, “Hey, if we do well, you may actually receive money for writing.” Whereas all I get from Cinematically Correct is the praise and love from my tens of fans.

So last night, I went to see “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1″ and then sat awake for an additional hour or so typing out my little review of it. Needless to say, I dug the flick. If you’d like to read my review, you can click on over to MoviesOnline and give it a read. I’d just post the whole thing but there are copyright and publishing laws or something. But there’s no law against me linking the hell out of it here and also on my Twitter (@Chiccywood, I’m a whore for followers).

Joe Strummer: The Movie

"The ice age is coming. The sun zooming in." Well, which one is it Joe? Global cooling/warming/climate change?

Now get this? The British production company, Film 4, has plans to make a Joe Strummer biopic. Um…yes please. In fact, email me. I’m interested in helping fund this thing. Well, by funding I mean I’ll give moral and verbal support. Unless it only takes like a hundred buck to get a producer credit. Then I’m totally in and stuff.

This really is a great idea. Of course, Joe Strummer was the lead singer of The Clash. That means he presided over one of the fastest rises to fame and also one of the fastest flame-outs of all time. If you ask me, the second half of the short career of The Clash is kind of crappy. I know, I know. It is so not hipster of me to say anything bad about The Clash. However, you go ahead and listen to “Combat Rock” and “Cut the Crap”. Once you’re done listening, try and tell me those albums aren’t complete trash with a straight face. They suck. You know it. I know it. Joe knew it. In fact, it may have killed him.

I apologize. That’s a lie. Joe didn’t die knowing that The Clash made two bad albums. In fact, any self respecting human being wouldn’t even suggest such a thing. I’m embarrassed. Joe died due to a congenital heart defect. But, if someone can explain what your genitals have to do with a heart defect, I’d really appreciate it.

Again, I’m sorry. I need to learn to write words more better than this as I am having trouble staying on point. The point is this: If anyone even considers casting Robert Pattinson as Joe Strummer I will…well…I’ll write a nasty blog post about it. I already read somewhere that folks were suggesting James Franco. Yeah, I guess that would be okay. My personal choice would be…well…it would be me. That’s right, I want to be Joe Strummer. I can smoke and drink and scream at band mates just as well as the next guy. You won’t even have to teach me how to play guitar. I’m perfectly capable of playing the six or seven chords needed to play the entire Clash song library.

Or I guess you could get Franco. What the eff has he done anyway?

Good Things That People Said On Twitter About Wolf Parade That Are Good Things On Twitter

There are several factors to what is contained in this post. One being that I am exceptionally busy at work. The other is that I am completely in love with this new Twitter/Wordpress image thing. It’s just the coolest thing that I’ve ever seen on the Interwebs of all time for today.

Ahem. Here’s some pictures or funny things people said about Wolf Parade at the Granada Theater in Dallas last night.

Wolf Parade killed it tonight at Granada. http://twitpic.com/37jvrj—
James Logan Gibke (@N3RD_ALERT) November 17, 2010

Photo: Wolf Parade at the Granada http://tumblr.com/xzoqefln2—
  (@SarahAmaris) November 17, 2010

Wolf parade @ Granada Theater http://instagr.am/p/RofM/—
  (@christiney) November 17, 2010

Wolf Parade at the Granada with cans of PBR that are older than these kids. It's cool. I'm not 30 yet. I got this. #ohlookabeard—
Lynn Bossange (@lynnboss) November 17, 2010

My reply to said beard mockery:

@lynnboss So not cool. My beard was one of the beards in that crowd. #MyBeardWantsAnApologyNotReallyKiddingMaybeButYouShouldStillSaySorry—
Chic (@Chiccywood) November 17, 2010

20 minutes & Wolf Parade will probably change the way I look at life. #OverstatementTweet (@ Granada Theater w/ 4 others)—
Chic (@Chiccywood) November 17, 2010

Tonight, There Will Be Wolf Parade

Guess what? They're better than Arcade Fire. Yeah. I said it.

There were several concerts that I attended in October. I was fortunate enough to see The National, Local Natives, and Sufjan Stevens. I didn’t really write about any of them. Sure, my anticipation for those shows was high, but not like today.

You see, today is Wolf Parade…and I effing love Wolf Parade. Easily in my top five favorite bands working today…which quickly are:

Wolf Parade, The National, Ryan Adams, Wilco, Grizzly Bear

Wolf Parade are like a kickass synth-pop alterna-rock version of The Talking Heads. But Canadian. And with two singer/songwriters. And those two guys have their own bands thus creating a triangle of Wolf Parade-sound. Ish.

Quick history lesson: Wolf Parade’s two singer/songwriters are Spencer Krug and Dan Boeckner. Krug’s other band is called Sunset Rubdown and they are a bit more rock sounding. Boeckner’s other band is called Handsome Furs. There are two members of Handsome Furs, Boeckner and his wife, Alexei Perry. They have a more electronic sound, consisting of cool guitar effects over drum machine beats. If you really want to geek out on them, here is a link to their wedding photos. It looked like quite a show.

So tonight, I’ll be live Tweeting (if I’m not too excitable) the Wolf Parade concert at The Granada in Dallas. Of course, you can follow my awesomenicity on Twitter, Chiccywood. In the meantime, here is my dream setlist:

“Apologies to the Queen Mary” – “You Are a Runner and I Am My Father’s Son”, “Grounds For Divorce”, “Shine A Light”, “I’ll Believe In Anything”

“At Mount Zoomer” - “Soldier’s Grin”, “Language City”, “California Dreamer”, “Fine Young Cannibals”

“Expo 86″ – “Cloud Shadow on the Mountain”, “Palm Road”, “Ghost Pressure”, “Pobody’s Perfect”, “Little Golden Age”, “Yulia” (they could play this three or four times), “Cave-O-Sapien”

 

 

 

You Know Where To Turn For All Your Flash Gordon Coverage

Look, we all know that there is one film that is consistently wronged. It doesn’t get the credit that it truly deserves as being a true masterpiece. Of course, I’m talking about “Flash Gordon”. Here’s a little feature that is apparently on the DVD that shows the differences in the audio from the DVD and the HBO version.

Yes, if you watch this it will be about four minutes of your life that you will not get back. [whispering] I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…

Today’s Good Rubicon Tweets That Are So Good Because They Are About Rubicon Which Is Good

You can do cool stuff with Tweets now. So, here are some Tweets from Twitter about Rubicon being cancelled. People are so not happy AMC. You really, really dropped the ball here.

Cinematically Correct note: There isn’t a ton of content here. This is mostly me seeing how cool it looks to grab Tweets like this. Yeah, I’m a dork, which may be why I effing loved “Rubicon…you sumbitch bastards at AMC.

#Rubicon writers considering a private season two with hand puppets,… in my backyard. @ZDubDub @richarderobbins @ElizaClark—
Richard E. Robbins (@richarderobbins) November 11, 2010

Last half was so good! RT @moryan: AMC has decided not to renew #Rubicon for a second season. Can't picture a world without the API crew —
Jessica Johnson (@witchyflickchic) November 11, 2010

Let's hope #ArlissHoward gets the Emmy nomination he so earnestly deserves for creating the mysterious #KaleIngram on #Rubicon.—
Gina-Renee Clark (@GinaRClark) November 11, 2010

Analysts. Don't bother returning to the office. Locks have been changed. All contents will be destroyed or moved to DC #rubicon #APIShutDown—
Truxton Spangler (@truxtonspangler) November 11, 2010

Not sure who this guy is…

Cancellation of Rubicon has caused the Fail Whale. See what you've done AMC? You broke Twitter & pissed off Truxton Spangler. #APIShutDown—
Chic (@Chiccywood) November 11, 2010

And a funny reply…

@Chiccywood Truxton is sending Clay Davis out to break the internet and clean up. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiit—
Martin Molloy (@dylan555) November 11, 2010

Did AMC Let The Zombies Eat Rubicon’s Brain?

Maybe AMC will change their mind if I threaten to stop blogging unless they bring this back?

Today, AMC announced they are not going to bring “Rubicon” back for a second season. Let me put this bluntly: THIS IS COMPLETE UTTER TOTAL NONSENSE ON THE HIGHEST LEVEL THAT IT MAKES ME HAVE CRAZY HEAD.

As you may have guessed, I was a huge fan of this show. I love conspiracy theory and this show was filthy with it. It had some very cool and quirky characters, most notably the main character played by James Badge Dale, Will Travers. Not only were the characters very cool, but this show was able to give you answers to all kinds of mysteries but without showing you every card in its hand. It fed you just enough information to not frustrate you, but maintained enough secrecy to keep you guessing.

Most people think this show got the ax because of the overwhelming ratings response to “The Walking Dead”. There is no way a show like “Rubicon” was ever in a million years going to score with young people the way a show about zombies overrunning America would. It’s just not going to happen. “Rubicon” takes patience. It takes thought. It demands your attention.

Dammit. Guess I should say that it demanded your attention. Bye “Rubicon”, I just didn’t get to know you enough.

Cinematically Correct note: I like “The Walking Dead” and you can read my reviews of those on MoviesOnline.ca. Here: Episode #1 and Episode #2.

Cinematically Correct note: Suck it AMC.