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Guaranteed To Suck #1: “The Lost Symbol” By Dan Brown

Guaranteed To Suck Seal Of Approval

Guaranteed To Suck Seal Of Approval

Here’s another installment of one of America’s favorite blog posts…the Cinematically Correct Guaranteed To Suck Seal Of Approval. Actually…this is the first time I’ve done it…so it’s #1 on the Guaranteed To Suck list.

Actually, the first installment of Guaranteed To Suck could be the first two installments. How is that possible? Here’s how…not only is there going to be a new Dan Brown novel called “The Lost Symbol” out in September, Columbia is also moving forward with a film version of the book.There you have it, crap book becomes crap movie.

The book and film will feature douchebag symbolist/Indiana Jones wannabe Robert Langdon. This way, Dan Brown can continue to write about the exciting adventures of a guy that goes to libraries, reads books, looks at paintings, you know, exciting stuff like that.

Dan Brown’s editor in chief said that today “is a great day for readers and booksellers“…in Hell. That last part could be taken out of context…or completely made up.

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  1. April 20, 2009 at 6:56 PM

    While I don’t know if it will suck, I have to say I like his other books “Deception Point” and “Digital Fortress” more than the whole everything-means-something genre. Stuff like “The DaVinci Code” has a few too many moments where something has to line up perfectly to work, which never happens in real life.

  2. Doug
    September 17, 2009 at 12:30 PM

    I just finished Dan Brown’s The Symbol, and I want to pound my head into a wall. What a waste of money and time on my part. It’s like “The Power Rangers” shows my kids used to watch. Take the same plot, replace villan A with villan B, replace Catholics with Freemasons and voila! A piece of shit book. The only way this could have been more formulaic is if he called it The Freemason Code. I won’t give away the ending, but let’s just say it sucked bog water.

  3. Sinister Twist
    September 25, 2009 at 8:07 AM

    I’m going to echo Doug’s statement. The book was terrible & was made even more so because it supposedly took 4 years to write, but reads like Brown churned it out in 4 months.

    The plotline is boring, the characters are shallow & the villain is utterly predictable. (If you didn’t predict his identity within about the first 100 pages you are either incredibly dense or in denial.) I’ve read better prose on the wall of a truckstop bathroom.

    What makes me angry is that others in the same genre have churned out books each year, yet their books are readable & enjoyable. (Ok, so Rollins may not always be the best, but his stuff is usually fun to read.) Heck, even Matthew Reilly’s stuff is better written than this & he has a small falcon deflecting an enormous boulder. (A feat which is obviously impossible unless said falcon came from the planet Krypton.)

    Another thing that irritates me is that so many people are feeling that they have to defend this book out of loyalty to Dan Brown, as if real fans can’t criticize. Go to amazon & you’ll read a lot of 4-5 star reviews that feel like they wish they’d given him lower star ratings.

  4. September 27, 2009 at 8:44 PM

    I agree completely with all of the above. At the very least, let Robert Langdon solve some of the puzzles. He didn’t solve ANY of them. The side characters either did all the work or already knew the answers and just filled him in. If I’d been reading this in a room with a fireplace, I would have thrown it in.

  5. Robin
    November 8, 2009 at 11:21 AM

    This book was by far the worst book I have ever read. It made me want to gouge my eyes out.

    All of his characters were preachy and the storyline just sucked.

    I liked Langdon in the other books, but if I met him in this book, I would kick him in the balls.

  6. Dan
    December 4, 2009 at 11:06 PM

    I enjoyed angels & demons as well as the da Vinci code but the lost symbol was a complete waste of time. The ending was terrible. Uncreative and dry. Hopefully Ron Howard finds some way to make the movie more enjoyable that the boring book

  7. yura sonofovich
    December 22, 2009 at 3:47 AM

    f** americans. americans produce s*** for s***. f*** all you f***ing f***ers! go china!!

    • December 22, 2009 at 12:01 PM

      Wow. That is really well said. You are truly one of planet Earth’s deepest thinkers.

  8. Adam
    December 22, 2009 at 3:58 PM

    F*** the f***ing f***ers.

  9. thankfulmum
    January 4, 2010 at 9:32 PM

    Just finished this book and I’d actually like Brown to give me my money back (even though I received it as a gift). I guessed the secret location somewhere around page 5, and I don’t even want to get into the ending scene. Talk about needing a barf bag.

  10. anonymous
    June 1, 2010 at 9:07 AM

    Everything except the ending was well written and was enjoyable to read. The ending, however, terribly sucked.

    [SPOILER]

    The Lost Word is a fucking Bible? I mean come on. They all played life risking game for that piece of shit? And how is it a ultra super seekrit? Like every mason knows about it, even though they act like “circles inside circles” are protecting some crap called Ancient Mysteries. Hell, Peter knew everything from the beginning and he acted like he was totally ignorant of the Ancient Mysteries, but in the end he revealed everything. No one would risk their life for a fucking bible hidden in the cornerstone of Washington Monument.

    [/SPOILER]

  11. div raj
    October 26, 2010 at 12:28 AM

    ….a total nonsense crap!!! You can impress people by your tricks and gimmicks once, maybe twice; but if you try to do the same the third time and still expect people not to throw your work down the gutters, then either you are taking your readers to be too naive, or it is for sure that you lack luster. Exactly this is reflected in Mr. Dan Brown’s work “The Lost Symbol”. I got fed up so much that I didnt even bother to go till the end, because i knew that the “WORD”, hyped so much throughout the whole work, has “got to be” something too weightless.

    The book is full of disappointments. I mean, when you are trying to create a mesh of plot in and around a subject, then you got to do some justice at the “prestige”; and the reveal-ation of all the secrets in The Lost Symbol prove this. Also, a plot should be around something which is substantial, something revealing…The Lost Symbol shows people chasing around a buried “WORD” which masons have tried to protect for centuries. The characters go round the same philosophy again and again….and at the end what do you get? A piece of the same spiritual philosophy!!! At the end there is nothing revealing which the reader has paid for with much anticipation. And there you are left thinking, “That’s it? This is THE thing which these masons have been trying to protect by making serious codes through all these centuries? Whats the point?” You have to give something more realistic to the people.

    The dialogues are too heavy and monotonous. There is a LOT of metaphysics and theory which is very solid…but then again a thriller story is not the place for classroom subjects. Robert Langdon plays around the same notion…his intellect guided reasoning till the end, despite of many instances wherein he has been proved wrong. Somehow this man cannot conceive that even he, the super-genius code breaker, the knower of all hidden metaphysics” can be wrong when it comes to the comprehension of secrets and esoteric understandings.

    Mr. Brown should consider the fact that readers have a human mind, and it sub-consciously looks for things which it can relate to in real life. A claustrophobic man (LANGDON), already shot by a stunning taser, who is by now almost drowned in a liquid, who has probably left a few seconds of breath, can still manage to break a code while gasping his last few breaths…wow!!! This is really superhuman. And then there is the “Resurrection of Langdon”…that was too much to take. Actually I was very happy when it was declared in the book that Langdon will breathe no more…I thought, “Well! That explains the whole purpose of The Lost Symbol. Mr. Brown wanted a way to end this pathetic super-genius “Langdon” so that he gets saved from the pressure of his fans urging him to write more, and it is for this reason that Brown created this fitting end. Very Justifiable!”…but then Langdon came back out of a limbo…..Holy Cow!!!

    I couldnt go any more…

  12. Anonymous
    June 23, 2011 at 10:03 AM

    I found this book pretty boring. The conversation in the book are not info-worthy and now that I have finished reading it I feel like nothing has been added to my knowledge. Actually,I’m happy that it’s over.

    Spit back my money Dan Brown!

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