Home > Cinematically Correct, Sports > Sports Flash!! Cornell Lacrosse Lets Andy Down, Loses To ‘Cuse In NCAA Final

Sports Flash!! Cornell Lacrosse Lets Andy Down, Loses To ‘Cuse In NCAA Final

These guys aren't in "Here Comes Treble".

These guys aren't in "Here Comes Treble".

Today, Syracuse University won it’s 823rd (actual number not confirmed) NCAA Lacrosse Championship by beating Andy Bernard’s beloved Cornell Big Red.

In college, I killed a bat with a lacrosse stick. I’m not kidding. I actually killed a bat. I came home from class one day and a tiny little bat crawled out of my closet, stood up on its back legs, then took flight and circled the chandelier hanging from the ceiling. After shrieking like a small female child, I ran out of the room. I then gathered all my strength and courage (which took approximately 68 minutes, two beers, and one tequila shot), I borrowed a friend’s lacrosse stick, put on a long sleeve jacket and goggles, thus creating a make-shift hazmat uniform. Feeling very prepared and safe, I then proceeded to attack the bat.

The first few swings were completely failed. On the fourth or fifth swing, I knocked the bat out of the air and onto the floor. The bat, obviously dazed, flopped around on the ground. I then brought the lacrosse stick down in a chopping motion on top of the bat on the ground until it stopped moving. This is where my bravery ended and I went for help. A friend put on some thick, winter gloves and picked up the bat. We decided to just throw the bat carcass out the window. Unfortunately, the bat was either unconscious, a faker, or narcoleptic because moments prior to being chucked out the window…that son of a bitch woke up. One wing flapped violently and my friend chucked it out the open window.

True story. It’s one of the more insane things I’ve experienced…oh yeah, Syracuse beat Cornell in lacrosse. Here’s Andy Bernard:

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  1. jenchic
    May 27, 2009 at 6:43 AM

    I mean, Wow.
    I’ve heard that story & if memory serves me, I’ve even seen a reinactment & all I can say is….wow.

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