“G.I. Joe” Does Not Deserve A Direct-To-DVD Release, Much Less Your Time & Money
Almost 24 hours have passed since I watched the horror that is “G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra”. The only word I have come up with to describe it so far is embarrassed. I’m embarrassed to have seen it. I’m embarrassed for the people that spent time making the movie. Most of all, I’m embarrassed for the theater full of schmucks that was absolutely eating the crap up with a spoon.
The movie focuses on Duke (Channing Tatum) and his entrance into the international super soldier team called G.I. Joe. Apparently, many nations got together, donated their best soldiers, and decided to fight evil all over the world. If they were truly fighting evil, they would have stopped the production of this movie months ago. Those evil forces are led by an arms dealer named McCullen (Christopher Eccleston), the Baroness (Sienna Miller), and a ninja named Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee).
McCullen has built some sort of warhead with tiny metal bugs in them that eat metal and blah blah blah words words words…who truly cares? It’s completely preposterous. After McCullen sells the warheads to the U.N. or the U.S. or somebody, he sends the Baroness to steal them back. Why wouldn’t he just f’ing make more of them? Who knows? It’s stupidity in its highest form.
After successfully protecting the warheads, Duke and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans, in an almost not annoying performance) are invited by General Hawk (a slumming Dennis Quaid) to help them chase down the people who tried to steal them. In an effort to form some semblance of character development and plot, we learn there is a history between Duke, the Baroness, and her younger brother, Rex (Joseph Gordon Levitt). I’m not a skilled enough writer to describe how bad the first flashback scene involving these characters is. I can only say that it almost caused me actual physical pain.
We meet other G.I. Joe’s and they put Duke and Ripcord through some intense training set to an over-loud hip-hop style soundtrack. It’s a training montage that is so bad, that it seems like the training montage that mocks training montages from “Team America” actually preceded it and this was the movie it was indeed mocking. I held my hand on my mouth for most of it, almost to ensure I wouldn’t scream obscenities at the movie screen.
Want some positives? Go see another movie pal because there ain’t any here. If you like negatives, this movie is for you. After spending $175 million on the movie, you would think that the special effects could at least keep you interested. Nope. The CGI is awful. It’s so awful, that I wonder where the hell all this money was spent. Just like every other movie that Stephen Sommers directs, the effects look like rubber and are completely unnatural.
The dialogue is the equivalent of cinematic puke and could make you do the same. It’s hard to actually imagine that a human being actually wrote this stuff. The only person that is spared from spewing poorly written script out is Ray Park’s Snake Eyes because the character took a vow of silence.
One would have to assume that Channing Tatum wished his character took a vow of silence as well because it could potentially have saved him from career suicide. He’s just terrible. I’m talking worse than Malin Akerman in “Watchmen” terrible. If he was cast as a mindless robot, he would be in the running for an Oscar. He’s not alone, as Wayans, Quaid, Miller, pretty much everyone involved gives a performance of embarrassing proportions. It’s hard to hold it against them since Peter O’Toole or Richard Burton would look like morons saying this stuff.
This hurts me to write but…why did Joseph Gordon Levitt have to do this? He completely sucks here. He had built up so much cinematic goodwill and seemed to have things going in the right direction with his career. Now, there is this bomb on his resume. It’s the equivalent to a baseball player getting busted for steroids, you forget what the player did prior to that big mistake. Thank goodness you can barely recognize him for the majority of the movie.
“G.I. Joe” should put the nail in director Stephen Sommers coffin. Unfortunately, it won’t. The movie has made almost $60 million over the weekend and, judging from the audience I sat with, people actually like it. Sommers makes movies like “The Mummy” and “Van Helsing” specificall for the mid-20s, douchebag male. Judging from the one sitting to my right, he once again has succeeded at reaching that key, Ed Hardy-wearing demographic.
At one point, the guy beside me laughed at a particularly terrible Marlon Wayans line and I actually looked directly at him with a puzzled look on my face. How in God’s name could people like this movie?
Cinematically Correct note: I did notice that a cast member was left out of the credits: Sienna Miller’s breasts, which are the true stars of this movie.