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Cinematically Correct Reports: The Christmas Beatdowns

Christmas is great and all, but there are several things that are a complete and total ass whip surrounding the holiday. Traveling to see family, getting gifts, that’s all great stuff, sure. However, you know it, I know it: At least 50% of the things you have to endure are a timewaste. It’s just that I’m brave enough to anonymously blog about it and you aren’t. Faced.

Look, I dig Christmas. It’s a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Of course, December 25th isn’t the actual confirmed date of his birth. I called Bethlehem Regional Medical Center and they have no record on file so I can’t get an answer on that one. Man, their record keeping sucks.

So what stinks about all this? How about the office Christmas party? Brutality. There’s really nothing good about it. Just because you are forced to spend more time awake with these otherwise total strangers than you would your own family doesn’t mean that we’re all chummy, know what I mean? How about instead of a Christmas party, you let us all go and be with our families since we, you know, really love them and all.

Nobody wins with a Snuggie.

Don’t even get me started on the blind gift exchange. Good Lord. In an effort to thumb my nose at this ridiculous practice, I almost bought the person I drew a Snuggie. I mean, I have a hard enough time buying the people I care about a good gift. What do I really know about this person that I picked out of a hat? That they really seem to enjoy writing with a Sharpie?  I look at this as simply stimulating the economy, nothing more.

Potluck lunch. Throw up all over this one…or if you are as lucky as I am, you’ll eat and then pray to the Sweet Lord Baby Jesus that you actually don’t throw up. Your plate will normally consist of items so random that the Man Vs. Food guy would run for cover. Seriously, who wants to eat fried turkey, an egg roll, and a tamale? I am not kidding either. Those are options for me.

Snoopy freaking rules.

Enough with the work Christmas beatdowns, how about Christmas music? The worst people, the worst. I can’t handle it at all. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m a huge, huge fan of the Charlie Brown Christmas album. Oh, I also like the Sufjan Stevens Christmas albums, but only about ten people have heard those.

So no Nat King Cole, no carolers, and please God, no “Jingle Bell Rock”. Who wrote that piece of junk and how do I contact them in order to heckle?

Am I going to hell for hating this?

All of that is really secondary to this ultimate Christmas power down. If someone can point out the Bible verse that talks about Santa Claus visiting the manger in which Jesus Christ was born, it would greatly be appreciated.

This really is such an insane religious power play. At some point, some schmuck sat down and said, “What do people love…they love Jesus and Santa!” Thus, the whoring out of Santa Claus, Christmas, and Baby Jesus was born.

Imagine how I’ll feel when one day, the Three Wise Men are depicted bringing Baby Jesus a Tony Hawk skateboard, the Twilight book series, and an X-Box. Then you know it’s full out idiocracy folks.

I’m not trying to bag on Christmas, just the silliness that constantly surrounds it. I really do think Christmas is a great time of year. I just don’t need to hear that idea phrased 1,000 different ways in a song is all.

  1. Dad,Dad,Daddio
    December 18, 2009 at 11:43 AM

    I’ll go along with no Jingle Bell Rock, but “The Christmas Song” by Nat King Cole written by the great Mel Torme is one of my favorites. By the way, your Grandfather loved Nat. A Charlie Brown Christmas has some of the all time best music. All the other stuff is just play…you get it…Jesus is the reason for the season!

  2. Adam
    December 18, 2009 at 12:44 PM

    I always skip my office party. For two reasons, I have to pay $25 for food I don’t want whatsoever, let alone at 1:00 in the freakin’ afternoon, and I am expected to socialize with people I don’t know. I’m on the road each year more than a major league baseball player; 163 days this year. I don’t know these clowns any more than they know me and let’s be honest, why would I want to?

    • December 18, 2009 at 12:58 PM

      You are forced into knowing these people. I’d rather spend time with people that I like spending time with me instead of chewing on crappy grub in awkward silence.

      It gets even worse when 90% of office party attendees exclusively speak Spanish.

  3. jenchic
    December 18, 2009 at 1:42 PM

    Everyday when I get to work I change the radio from the sirius christmas (hackhackpukepuke) channel to 80’s. 9 times out of 10 there is an uproar of applause from the rest of the staff & the customers.

  4. chickybabe
    January 6, 2010 at 1:57 PM

    Can’t we all just get on board for what this REALLY is? The pagan holiday of Winter Solstice.

    So, let’s all go paint ourselves blue, pray to the sun and moon, and gorge ourselves on food and drink until we can’t feel feelings!!

    Wait, minus the paint and the celestial part, we DO do that. Huh. Funny how some traditions never die.

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