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Cinematically Correct Reports: Sorriest Band Names Ever

After listening to the latest Vampire Weekend album, it struck me how cool I found their band name to be. Then, I thought about some really bad band names. There are so many that one could literally spend days and days compiling a list of them. Since I have zero ambition to do something as well thought out and journalistic as that, please enjoy my hackneyed, thrown together, and in no order of any kind list of Weak Band Names.

Oh, please keep in mind, I have never listened to any of these bands either. Not me.

  • Limp Bizkit. It’s rare for such a convergence of all-around s***iness. How can one band have such a sausage name, followed up with horrendous music, and a front man that sets records for being a douchebag? Amazing…they are like the Triple Crown Of Crap.
  • Coldplay. Take everything I said about Limp Bizkit, back it up just a hair, and you have Coldplay. What the hell does that name mean? I guarantee you that the reason behind it is so pretentious that it would make Oprah Winfrey throw up.
  • Hootie & The Blowfish. I actually know why they are called this. It’s because…oh, who gives a rat’s ass. All you need to know is that the two people it’s named after aren’t even in the f’ing band.
  • W.A.S.P. I have a better name. How about G.A.Y.? No wait, here it is: G.O.F.Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F.
  • Phish. Dude…they totally spelled the word wrong. I mean, it’s like, spelled fish right? But these guys…see…these guys spell it P-H. That is so, I mean, it’s so totally rad.
  • Los Lonely Boys. You know what, pick a language and stick with it. Jagoffs.
  • Clap Your Hands Say Yeah. Never heard of them? Lucky you.
  • Staind. I guess adding that extra “e” would really have tipped them over the edge. It’s just inexcusable.
  • Rage Against The Machine. We go into a record studio to record songs that we put on an album that we hope you pick up off the shelf in a mall and then buy it! Down with the establishment!! Dorks.
  • Death Cab For Cutie. See? Here’s a band that I psuedo-like. I can be critical of them too…that’s all I have.
  • UB40. Remember their cover of “Red Wine”? It’s the audio equivalent to those bugs that Khan put in people’s ears in “Star Trek II”.
  • The Allen Parsons Project. It’s kind of sad that the only reason (and I mean only reason) we all remember this band is because of their wretched name.
  • …and finally…John The Raptist. Not kidding. He’s a British rapper.

Yes, there are hundreds upon hundreds more. Who are some of your favorite crap names? Remember, you don’t have to dislike the band. For instance, I like Faith No More, but that name is weak sauce.

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