Wasn’t It Ray Kinsella Who Said, “Hey Dad…You Wanna Make MLB Predictions?”
My hardcore love of baseball is going to briefly infect my otherwise stupid ramblings about movies, music, and TV shows today. Since the season’s start is upon us (thank goodness!), I figured I’d chuck up my predictions for the year.
As always ladies and gentleman, no wagering. This is for entertainment/time-waste purposes only.
- East – Boston Red Sox
Sure, the Yankees will score a ton, pitch pretty good, and lead the league in douchebag third basemen, but that Red Sox rotation of Beckett, Lackey, Lester, and Buchholz is the best in baseball.
- Central – Minnesota Twins
Will white people flock to Target Field just like they flock to regular Target? Does Denard Span like hitting his mom in the face with fowl balls? Most definitely.
- West –Texas Rangers
I decided that this division will be decided by whichever team’s manager has done the most blow. Congrats Rangers.
- Wild Card Bitches! – New York Yankees
It’s either them or the Sox, whichever team doesn’t win the East. I’d say something witty about them but my sheer hatred for all things Yankee has blinded me.
- East – Philadelphia f***in’ Phillies
As if. The Phils lead the league in all things kickass and when you throw in Doc Holliday, they are unstoppable. Someone tell Jose Reyes to go home and get his f***in’ shine box. He’ll find it right next to what apparently are his 72-year old man groin muscles.
- Central – Cincinnati Reds
This is such a chic pick to win the division. Go look at that squad. It’s fairly loaded offensively, with the best infield this side of Philly and the Yanks. I’m also going with this rare stat: they are the only team once owned by a St. Bernard owning Nazi sympathizer, which according to Jesse James, gives them the edge.You know…because he hooked up with that Nazi chick? Too soon?
- West – Los Angeles Dodgers
They lead the league in bickering owners going through a divorce, which scores high marks on the Cinematically Correct Rating Scale. They also have Manny Ramirez which docks them points. However, their division completely sucks and they win by two of my favorite words: Default.
- Wild Card Bitches – New York Mets Just kidding losers! Colorado Rockies
I’m sure the Rockies make the playoffs and wind end up scaring the pee out of my Phils in the first round. Sure, we’ll end up decimating them, but I’ll be freaked out nonetheless.
Drum roll please…
- World Series – Boston Red Sox vs. Philadelphia Phillies
Your winner? Come on people. Do you really think that Doc went through all this trouble to not get that ring? The Phillies make up for last year’s failure in the Series, make it two out of three championships, and ensure their place in baseball history.
Biased choice? Absolutely. Out of the realm of possibility? Nope. For once, I can pick my team and feel confident that I’m not totally being a homer.
For kicks, here are my MVPs and Cy Young award winners…
AL MVP-Joe Mauer, Minnesota Twins. He’s the best overall player in baseball. No doubter.
AL CY YOUNG-Felix Hernandez, Seattle Mariners. King Felix is just getting warmed up.
NL MVP-Carlos Beltran, New York Mets. Oh wait…I thought this award is for the longest time spent on the DL. My bad.
NL MVP-Chase f***in’ Utley, Philadelphia Phillies. He’s a safe bet to pick every year at this point.
NL CY YOUNG-Roy Halladay, Philadelphia Phillies. The Doc is going to throw the heat to announce his presence with authority.