Release The Boredom…By Seeing “Clash Of The Titans”
First of all, I’m going to write this review not as a God, but as a man. Yes, the Gods have provided me with a work PC, an iPhone, and an iBook at home, but I refuse to use these gifts. If I do this, I’m doing it as a man.
Seriously, did those of you that saw “Clash Of The Titans” over the weekend pick up the fact that Sam Worthington’s Perseus wanted to “do this as a man”? If you didn’t, you fell asleep in between the action because that’s all that was discussed. It was so repetitive that I started to wonder if this script contained leftovers from “Avatar” because, like that overblown action flick, all this movie has are worthless moments of silly dialogue as time filler in between set action pieces. The only thing difference is that “Avatar” looks really pretty.
For those of you unfamiliar with the story, “Clash Of The Titans” follows Perseus, the son of Zeus, in his battle to fight the Gods. Along the way, he meets huge scorpions, people made of wood, some creepy witches, the half-snake-half-chick Medusa, and finally, the Kraken. He also is aided by several stereotypical characters, like the battle tested soldier that hates him (Mads Mikkelson), the wide eyed rookie that is destined to die horribly (Nicholas Hoult), and the comic relief of two goofy guys that join in the quest because they think it’s going to be fun.
All of this is set up in the first thirty minutes or so that are amazingly slow. I found myself just waiting it out for the Medusa sequence, which is really the main reason I wanted to see the movie in the first place. Sadly, I wasn’t impressed by Medusa or the action surrounding her. While the effects are on a different level than the original 1983 flick, there was something about that creepy snake woman hiding in the dark that made for a great scene. In the updated version, we are left with a laughing woman that moves around so fast that any sense of foreboding dread is completely removed.
The effects throughout are fairly impressive, starting with the winged horse Pegasus. It really appears that they used a massive black horse and digitally placed wings on it. It was easily the best flying horse I’ve ever seen on film. The Kraken was decent enough, but Zeus’ crib, Mt. Olympus was very slick.
That is as good a transition as I can think of to say that those Gods at Mt. Olympus? Weak, weak sauce. Liam Neeson’s Zeus made no sense. First he wants to teach the humans a lesson, then he suddenly wants to help them all out. They made Zeus a manic depressive. Danny Huston plays Poseidon, or at least I think he does. He has one line about ten minutes into the flick and then he completely disappears. Finally, Ralph Fiennes has just decided to mail in these big budget roles. He is much better served playing crazy in stuff like “In Bruges”. For crying out loud, he’s better in his ten minutes of “The Hurt Locker” than the entirety of this movie.
Finally, let me tell you how much I can’t handle Sam Worthington. He is a complete and total bore. His Perseus is as robotic and stiff as the robot he played in the horrible Terminator movie. He delivered better lines in “Avatar” and he was playing a blue cartoon monkey in that movie. If he is Hollywood’s next big action star, then prepare to be bored by one note characters that react to every single moment in the same manner. This guy makes Keanu look like Brando.
Lastly, if you are going to try to pay homage to the 1983 “Clash”, don’t do it in some half-assed, mocking way. If you gave me the choice, I’d watch the old one instead of this version…even with Bobo in it.