A Tradition That Irks Me Unlike Any Other…The Masters
Since I’m lucky enough to live about three miles from my office, I decided to buzz home, eat some lunch, watch Tiger Woods tee off, and then bitch about it.
Okay…sooooo, Augusta National…let me get this straight. You seem to be okay with one of the most famous lying, adulterous scumbags like Tiger Woods playing in your precious tournament this weekend, but the greatness of Gary McCord is still banned from broadcasting because of his “greens are like bikini wax” comment in 1995?
Sigh. That is just one of the many, many issues I have with the tradition unlike any other, The Masters golf tournament. Will I watch it? Yes. Am I one of these people that thinks it’s the best pro golf tournament going? Not even close. Let my bitchfest begin. Please keep in mind, I’m not a raging liberal or Martha Burke’s buddy. Augusta National is so snobby and uptight that it even sends a right-wing nut like myself into a tizzy.
At Augusta, you won’t find fans. You won’t find a gallery. You have patrons. Patrons. Why does Augusta insist on calling them this? There really can be no reason other than the need for them to stick their nose up at every other golf tournament. It’s just example #847 of Augusta snobbery.
It’s called rough, not cut one or cut two or cut thirty. Why? More Augusta snobbery.
Yes, the golf course is beautifully manicured and quite pretty, especially in HD. However, is this the only place where freaking azaleas grow? I hit my Google key and it seems like they grow all over the place. They are in North Carolina, Florida, Texas, they aren’t exclusive to Augusta, GA. Get over the azaleas people!
- Assumption their tournament is the best
Sorry, it’s not even close to the kickassedness of the US Open. Hell, I’ll even take the British Open over The Masters. See, those two tournaments actually make the conditions difficult on the pro golfer, while Augusta is begging them to shoot four rounds of 68 or so. Not only that, Roy McAvoy made a 12 on the final hole of the US Open once. Beat that Augusta.
- No cameras
Why aren’t you allowed to take pictures of your favorite golfers as they play Amen Corner? Don’t you want people to document their experience with your oh-so-precious azaleas? There’s nothing going on at your golf course that I can’t see at a botanical garden so big flippin’ deal.
- The Butler Cabin
I feel that the best way to relate to the fans is to go indoors in and have the defending champ put your queer jacket on the new champ. This way, the fans don’t get to see it. Sweet.
Why is it called Butler Cabin anyway? I know for sure that it’s not because there are actually butlers in there. There can’t be because everyone seems to make eye contact in it and as we all know, Augusta employees are never to make eye contact with members.
- Jim F’ing Nance
Every year, we have to deal with Jim Nance and his vomit inducing NCAA Championship game bit when he says crap like “UConn is the Omeka of college basketball”. Then, just one weekend later, we are forced to hear him do the Masters, which he treats like the most sacred event in human history. I get it, he’s a company schill and he’s doing what he has to do for CBS. But come on man.
This year, I even noticed his voice change during the NCAAs when he read a promo for the Masters. I guess there are two versions of Nance, the terrible basketball play-by-play guy and the terrible golf play-by-play guy.