The 2010 NFL Picks That Will Make Your Pants Fly Off
I’ve thought long and hard (huh huh) about these NFL picks. I’ve studied film, statistics, and athlete dong photos. These, among other factors, have attributed to these precise choices. You don’t have to thank me for the additional tid-bits of information either. It’s there just so all you fantasy football lovers/virgins can get that extra info going into your last minute drafts. As usual, please, no wagering.
- New England Patriots. Tom Brady’s hair in the NFL Network commercials makes me doubt this pick, but he does have sex with Gisele Bundchen. That’s a win.
- New York Jets. I dig Mark Sanchez’s beard…and there’s always this.
- Miami Dolphins. You can give them one more win based on Bill Parcells and his fupa leaving the team. That thing is distracting.
- Buffalo Bills. Anybody else think that Alabama could give them a run for their money?
- Cincinnati Bengals. It’s rare when the Bengals are the least crime committing team in the division.
- Baltimore Ravens. Yes, they are a good team but keep in mind, Ray Lewis may have killed a guy. That’s right.
- Pittsburgh Steelers. On a positive note, the Steelers lead the team in fat, stupid, arrogant, raping douchebag quarterbacks.
- Cleveland Browns. They should just take their talents to Division III college football.
- Indianapolis Colts. Don’t want to start anything…but look up some stuff about Peyton Manning’s alleged poon-houndery. One word: “Tiger-ish”.
- Houston Texans. At one point, I promised I would root for this team. That was after their first game, when they beat the Cowboys. What an awesome day.
- Tennessee Titans. The fact that the word “tit” is in their name makes me want them to perform well.
- Jacksonville Jaguars. Hm. I’ve got nothing. So, here’s this.
- San Diego Chargers. Norv Turner’s face looks like someone put a fire out on it using baseball spikes. They have a good team too.
- Denver Broncos. Tebow joke? Nah. I don’t want to be smited. Smote? Smoted? Whatever.
- Kansas City Chiefs. Sorry, but I can’t pull for a team whose city has the name of a state that it is not in in it. Look, this is hard. Some of these will not be my best work.
- Oakland Raiders. Tell you what…Al Davis? That sumbitch sure can dress. Where’s he get those track suits? For real. Who is his effing tailor? Bet he gets so much ass.
- Dallas Cowboys. Remember when they blew up old Cowboy Stadium? Yeah…the team wasn’t in it. I know…bummer man.
- Philadelphia Eagles. My favorite team. By favorite, I mean I’m wearing an Eagles onesie this very second. Pray for me America.
- New York Giants. In Philly, we call them the Ginas. Funny right? Yeah. It’s not.
- Washington Redskins. There’s a good chance that I’ll cry like a bitch when I first see Donovan McNabb in this uniform.
- Green Bay Packers. Hm, I think chicks dig Aaron Rodgers. He could be a douchebag though.
- Minnesota Vikings. Hm, I don’t think that chicks dig Brett Favre. He’s definitely a douchebag though.
- Chicago Bears. Embarrassing note: I owned the Super Bowl Shuffle song. On 45. Not really. I made that up for humor purposes. Don’t judge me.
- Detroit Lions. Thank goodness for Jack White or else Detroit would be so good for nothing right now.
- New Orleans Saints. Until this team lives in the now and moves out of the dump that they play in, I am completely against them. Just say no to artificial turf.
- Atlanta Falcons. There’s this tiny part of me that thinks they win this division. It’s a shame that no one in Atlanta will care as they are the worst front running fan base in sports history.
- Carolina Panthers. Currently winning a vicious war to prove they are the least crap out of two crappy teams.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They are losing the war mentioned above.
- San Francisco 49ers. Cheer on the Niners! They get to win this division then get their ass handed to them in the first round of the playoffs as much more deserving teams sit at home!
- Arizona Cardinals. They would be better off if Kurt Warner’s Five O’Clock Shadow was quarterbacking the team.
- Seattle Seahawks. Finally, Pete Carroll can pay his players using direct deposit. That whole cash under the table thing was a real beating, what with all the ATM runs and such.
- St. Louis Rams. Call me crazy, but that Sam Bradford? I think he’s got some Injun in him. Is that the right word, Injun?
Playoff Teams & Results
- AFC – Patriots, Colts, Bengals, Chargers, Ravens, Jets
- NFC – Cowboys, Packers, Saints, 49ers, Vikings, Eagles
- AFC Championship Game – Colts over Patriots. Manning steals Gisele afterwards as well.
- NFC Championship Game – Packers over Cowboys. I don’t really think the Cowboys make it this far, just did this to taunt any potential Cowboy fans than may read this. Ha. In your face.
- SUPER BOWL – Colts over Packers.