Home > Cinematically Correct, Pop Culture > Mustache Responsibility: Am I Ready For It?

Mustache Responsibility: Am I Ready For It?

This is real. Not doctored. Not photo shopped. 100% authentic Berman 'stache.

I consider myself a pretty fashion forward guy and I’m always paying attention to new fads, what’s in style, and what is coming up on the fashion horizon. Naturally, one of my many resources for these tips is Chris Berman. Just look at that good looking sumbitch. He is just oozing off male sexuality. The comb-over, the grin, the tie…it’s just striking.

I’ve noticed something about Berman lately. Yes, something other than his wit, candor, and love of fine wines and cheeses. Why beat around the bush? It’s his beautiful mustache. Just…look at that gorgeous freaking thing. It’s as if Jesus God Baby himself came down from Heaven or his condo in Orlando and placed that mustache upon Chris’ amazing sports-cliche-laden lips.

So this begs the question, am I prepared to go back back back (I heart you Berman) to the 70s and grow out my own fantastic mustache? There are several things to ponder here. For one, I don’t know if I can grow a mustache as I never have had one. I can do stubble as great as anyone in the Great Southwest but full blown facial hair? That’s a stretch for me. Really the question is this: Am I a mustache having kind of guy?

Once that bushy mustache is on your face, you gain certain responsibilities. First of all, you have to start chasing away the ladies. If there is one thing that ladies love, it’s a mustache like a Spanish matador, just like you see on Chris Berman here. My mustache will be a One Woman Mustache so I can’t be sharing it with all the women who find it desirable.

Now, I’ll enjoy the mustache attention from the opposite sex as much as the next man, but the real benefit is the undeniable jealousy I’ll receive from every man sans mustache. They’ll look upon it with awe and perhaps reconsider their sexual orientation over it. Fingers crossed. It will be the envy of every man in the Great Southwest. Well, maybe except for the Mexican guys in the Great Southwest. But the white and black guys? They’ll fall to their knees and renounce their religious beliefs over it. That’s how powerful this muthereffing mustache will be.

So those are just a few things that I’m considering in an effort to be more like Chris Berman. Don’t even get me started on the goatee or Van Dyke. That’s another blog post altogether.

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  1. jenchic
    September 14, 2010 at 4:03 PM

    You would have this going for you also…

    • September 15, 2010 at 9:54 AM

      Thank you. I specifically avoided referencing it in hopes that someone else would.

  2. jenchic
    September 15, 2010 at 11:38 AM

    I figured that was the reason. =) I knew there was no-way you’d not think of referencing “bibbity-boppitty”.

  3. leonardoz
    January 17, 2011 at 1:37 AM

    The mustache fad of the day is basically a white male thing. Latinos and blacken have never given up on the old facial plumage, but once again ol’ white knows the world revolves around him so this is all new again.

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