Home > Cinematically Correct, Pop Culture > This Is Not A Drill: Move To Defcon One On The Nerd Emergency Broadcast System

This Is Not A Drill: Move To Defcon One On The Nerd Emergency Broadcast System

I hate myself for liking this game.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a PlayStation guy. I hadn’t played anything other than an EA Sports game like Madden or NHL for years. In fact, I bet the last time I played anything other than a sports game was in the mid-90s and that was maybe the first Resident Evil game. I just felt like those other games were for kids and the sports simulation-type games were for adults…which I clearly am.

Then, about three years ago, I picked up an X-Box 360. This was a massive turn of events for a self-proclaimed Sony dork. I’m still shocked today that I love the X-Box more than the PlayStation. On a side note, it’s good that I’m married and writing this. If I was single, there is virtually not a snowball’s chance in Hell that I ever score with a woman ever again.

The X-Box turned me onto something I had never done before: online gaming. I’d play random people at Madden or something, then spend 30 minutes cursing at my TV as some 16-year old doofus lit me up at football. Seriously. It pissed me off. I kept telling myself, “It’s cool. You are playing online sports games. You aren’t a nerd. You are like a white Miles Davis.”

Since they were sports games, it made me feel like less of a dork. Then, two weeks ago, something terrible happened. I bought Call of Duty: Black Ops. I kept reading on Twitter (where you can find me, @Chiccywood, again, I’m a whore for followers) about it. I liked the commercial that told me that I could maybe play the game with an accused rapist like Kobe Bryant. In other words, I was completely sucked in.

So I’ve got the game now. I started playing the regular game, where your character is voiced by Sam Worthington (my own personal cinematic Kryptonite). Seriously, this guy’s acting sucks when he’s standing in front of a camera and you want to make him the voice of a video game character? It’s so bad that it’s painful. However, running around and being able to whip out an Uzi or whatever then blow some Cuban Commie bastard’s legs off is incredibly appealing to an American Jesus Flag Eagle NRA Grizzly Mama Guy like myself. So I’m into it so far.

Then, a few days ago, the situation got worse. I started looking around on the menu and found where you can play online as a team with other losers/virgins/dorks/cool guys like me. Here’s the shame, I’m talking shame like how a dog looks when it’s taking a dump. I…I…I freaking love it. [whimpers] I really, really love it. I completely suck and get murdered by these moronic 8-year olds but it’s way fun. In fact, I’m getting into it so much that last night, I said the following: “I can see why you’d want to wear one of those microphone headsets as it is better to talk to your teammates.” Not joking. Those words that you just read came out of the hole in my face that makes word sounds.

So yes, I’m hooked. This game is awesome. We should all get together and play a match. That way, you can finally shoot me in the head as revenge for all the Internet space I’ve wasted with silly posts such as this one.

  1. vincent monroe
    November 26, 2010 at 8:13 PM

    I will make you feel better by telling you that my friend has got me to;1: buy ps3 2: get online and 3: start playing Bad Company 2 Battlefield or whatever it is called. My buddy lives 8 minutes away yet our 34 year old friendship now consists of this game for hours on end. I also use the blue tooth…I am not married and this will kill any chance of me getting ass because I would rather shoot some motherfucker in the face than go out to the local watering hole. I am going to be 37 and so it goes and so it goes..we may be through with the past, but the past ain’t through with us..

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