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How To Handle Office Firings The Cinematically Correct Way

This? This is you. Every. Single. Day.

It’s a new year and you know what that means? Three words pal: job performance evaluation. That being said, yesterday, I had to say goodbye to four co-workers.  It’s never easy saying goodbye to someone you’ve hardly noticed existed for over a year, but I pulled it together and made it through it. I know…I think I’m strong too, no need to mention it.

However, most of you are massive weaklings and you can’t handle the stress of a day filled with co-workers being fired left and right all around you. Are you next? Well, you probably are as you are pissing time away reading this blog. By all means, keep reading though. In fact, you should Retweet this or link to it or some such. I would really like the opportunity to squander as much time from people you know as possible. Besides, we all know that if you Retweet this, everyone will see it immediately as we are all on Twitter all day all the time anyway.

Can I get serious for a moment? It is hard watching people leave. It can be made harder when it’s somebody that you (deep breath) actually are friendly with and don’t mind having around. For instance, one of the people fired yesterday fits that description with me. I won’t say their name or tell you if they’re a man or a woman. That’s just not fair to that person, but this person was really helpful when I started in the business that I’m not going to tell you about. They walked me through things, got the jokes I made, would be cynical about the “RA RA!” cheerleader attitude of some people here. It was just an overall good experience working with this person and I’ll legitimately miss them. Was this person justly fired? I don’t know, I’m not high up enough to tell you all the ins and outs of it. I do know that it’s really messed up to fire a pregnant person.

It’s also strange to see the person that hired you get shitcanned. What if they fired them because they think they keep hiring jackasses like me? Make no mistake about it, I’m a complete and total jackass and it’s a miracle that anyone pays me to do anything. All I really want to do is drive fast cars, drink whiskey, and chase women. Well…those are things the fictional, uber-cool vision I have of myself will do. I really want to sit at home listening to my new vinyl collection, playing X-Box, while eating ice cream right out of the mothereffing tub. Do you hear me world? Right out of the freaking tub.

Where was I? Oh yeah, my boss’ boss got fired. So yeah, now they are gone too. You can insert your own funny story here about other people being fired for the rest of that story.

I know what you’re thinking. Well, not really. If I did, I sure as shit wouldn’t be doing this job. I’d be at the circus or something, telling the future. That would be so awesome. I mean, I could have totally told these people that they were going to get fired yesterday way ahead of time.

How can I continue to make light of this? Mostly because I’ve been there. I was let go of a fairly legit manager position way back in 2009. I worked my way up, got in a position that worked for me and my boss, and everything seemed to be fine. Then, the company was bought out by a larger company. Then, corporate structure and everyday working started to change. Then, I was pretty much demoted. As a rookie to these situations, I was quite vocal about my displeasure. So instead of talking to me or trying to deal with the situation, I was let go. They gave me a nice big check and said adios. So I get it. It stinks and it’s extremely humbling.

But humbling doesn’t make you people giggle or want to read this nonsense.

Lastly, if you learn one thing from this post, let it be this: don’t cause a scene. If you are let go, try and keep your emotions in check. If you freak out, you are going to freak out the people that you claim you loved working alongside. People notice it. They start to panic. Then, you’ve got an office full of 40 people walking around on eggshells all day. I realize that their feelings are as far away from your cares at that point, but it’s really the classy thing to do. I had never been fired before and I collected my things, said goodbye to a few people, and calmly left. No yelling. No disruption. Just accept and move on.

Then, later that night, sneak inside and burn the place to the ground. Hope this helps.

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  1. January 20, 2011 at 4:14 PM

    I seriously hope the pregnant chick sues. That’s so messed up.

  2. January 22, 2011 at 2:13 PM

    Great post. It’s like this a bit at my work at the moment.

  3. April 23, 2012 at 12:06 PM

    Loved every part of this article. keep on going creating this gold material stuff.

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