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The Ten Things You Can Watch Me Do During My Fantasy Baseball League Draft

1. Highlight names of players I draft in yellow.
2. Wonder how the other MLB teams don’t have Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, & Roy Oswalt.
3. Consult local legend/draft expert/Super Bowl planner expert Jerry Jones with each of my choices.
4. Drink Diet Coke.
5. Costume changes that involve several pieces of Phillies gear.
6. Annoy my wife with what is most definitely clever banter, but she simply doesn’t understand.
7. Loudly question why 1993 Lenny Dykstra is not available to be chosen.
8. Not eat gluten.
9. Bombard your ears with my own Chris Berman-style names for current day players.
10. Openly cry as I watch the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies World Series Championship Bluray disc.

Categories: MLB, Pop Culture, Sports Tags:

Flash Gordon: A Midnight Viewing Retrospective

The midnight movie is a huge cult phenomenon. Initially, the movies that were shown at midnight were low-budget, obscure movies that the general movie going public wasn’t really into. Then, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” happened and it changed the cultural landscape for midnight movies. After that pop cultural explosion, the movies shown at midnight became cult classic movies like “Evil Dead” or “Pink Flamingos”. It became more about kitschy, good natured fun. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes, theaters would screen movies that are in fact horrible movies. These are more commonly described as “so bad that it’s good”.

No, I don't want to think about how nasty these couches are, thank you very much.

“Flash Gordon” fits this description. So, two nights ago at midnight, I sat down at the Inwood Theater in Dallas and watched a midnight screening of perhaps my favorite bad movie of all time. There are several things that make this theater such a cool place to see a movie like this, the first of which is that I wasn’t sitting in a traditional movie seat. This theater (which is part of Mark Cuban’s Landmark Entertainment series) only has couches and beanbag chairs in it. While I acknowledge that a huge amount of gross stuff has probably happened on these couches, it is about as relaxing a way to watch a movie as is humanly possible.

I started to get a bit giddy as the familiar sounds of the Queen Flash Gordon theme kicked up prior to the movie starting. In fact, I started to live Tweet the entire experience. If you are into Twitter and want to give them a look, I’m under Chiccywood there. But that’s enough self-promotional whoring, let’s get on to the adventures of Flash, Zarkov, and that filthy slut Dale Arden.

As soon as Ming hit the earthquake key and the greatness of Queen blasted through the speakers, the entire theater got a case of the giggles. It was either the fact that we all recognized the cheesy greatness we were about to see or the definitely high probability that several of audience members were stoned out of their minds.

I’m not going to get into some sort of in-depth review of “Flash Gordon”. If you haven’t seen it by now, then you probably aren’t going to ever see it. Of course, if you really don’t plan on seeing it, I truly think less of you as a human being-type person. In fact, stop being on the Internet, go to iTunes or Netflix or what have you and watch “Flash Gordon”. Then, immediately come back to my blog (or visit me on my Twitter, have I mentioned it?) and finish reading this post. It will probably make you a better person.

There’s no doubt I would have made Kosmo Kramer proud as I did my own impromptu bootleg filming of a handful of scenes. The first of which is one of the greatest sequences ever committed to film. It’s up there with the Christening-murders scene from “The Godfather”. Of course, I’m talking about Flash playing football with Ming’s guards. Please try and overlook my idiotic giggling.

Pretty much the greatest picture I've ever taken.

So then a bunch of other stuff happens. You know, Flash gets executed then comes back to life, Timothy Dalton (who will be called T. Dalt from this point forward) calls that ridiculously hot Aura chick a “lying bitch” (then I laughed hysterically), the main hawkman guy says some way over the top nonsense, and Dale continues to prove that she is the easiest lay in the galaxy, as she’s ready to jump Flash after knowing him for all of 24 hours. I mean come on…what a floozy.

Oh jeez! I almost forgot. Flash and T. Dalt kill Klytus. It’s fantastic. It’s also the finest picture I took of the night.

So after all that awesome/ridiculous stuff is done, Flash and his new BFFs (the Hawkmen) attack. See, they need to stop Ming before he marries Dale…that whore. I mean, once she is married to him, it’s so over. Haven’t you ever heard the old expression?

“Once you go Max Von Sydow, you never go back.”

(I’m sorry.)

Of course, there’s really only one thing that can properly accompany a Flash Gordon-led Hawkmen attack on Ming City. More. Effing. Queen. Again…excuse my giggling, but do not overlook the fantastic delivery of “impetuous boy!”. It’s probably the greatest performance in movie history of a guy dressed up like a human hawk.

So yes, seeing “Flash Gordon” at midnight is probably the coolest thing you could ever do on a Friday night. Forget clubs, hipster bars, or any of that nonsense. Cheesy movies with a theater filled with 67% virgins is the way to go.

The Silence Ends As The Skeet Ulrich Atrocity Must Be Addressed

LOOK! It's Johnny Depp!! Johnny! Hey Joh...oh...it's Skeet Ulrich.

This is Skeet Ulrich. He is terrible. Just an awful, horrendous actor. He has more money than me. He’s made out with Jewel in a movie. Neve Campbell too. Am I jealous that such a hack is more successful than I am? Absolutely.

As has been the case for several weeks, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything on this blog. It’s the rare combination of real life work responsibilities making me feel compelled to, you know, succeed at my job. Normally, I would blow that stuff right off and move along with incoherent, disposable ramblings about movies and music and such. I’ve also been trying my best to get at least one post a day up on MoviesOnline. For example, here’s the time I mocked Hobbits. I also took some time to tell you that yes, Lena Headey is hot. I also Twitter. A lot.

However, I noticed a piece of news today that compelled my brain to send signals to my fingers to type these words and put them on the Internet:

Skeet Ulrich is quitting “Law & Order: LA”. Let’s address some of things I’ve learned here.

  1. So…you’re telling me that there is a “Law & Order: LA”? What. The. Eff.
  2. How the hell can Skeet Ulrich quit a job? Isn’t that the equivalent of winning the Presidential Election and then telling the country that you were just kidding?
  3. How can a “Law & Order” show featuring Skeet Ulrich actually last long enough for him to decide to quit it?
  4. What in God’s name is Alfred Molina doing? Did he commit a heinous crime and his sentence involved starring on this sure-to-be-terrible show?

I admit, I’ve never watched a full episode of any “Law & Order”. I’m assuming I’m not missing much. I did watch the first episode of “Bob’s Burgers”. Meh. I’m a big fan of H. Jon Benjamin (voice of Bob), but the show seemed to be shooting for some quirky humor and kind of missed the mark. If anything, all I kept thinking about while listening to Benjamin’s voice was the far superior “Archer” on FX, on which Benjamin voices the main character.

To sum up: skip all “Law & Order” shows. Maybe kinda sorta give “Bob’s Burgers” a shot. If you don’t watch “Archer”, get off my Internet.

The Yearly Fight With The Sickness

December 21, 2010 1 comment

The blogging here has been slower than normal over the last week. It’s mostly due to the fact that I once more had my yearly bout with illness, starting last Wednesday and ending on Saturday evening. Thankfully, I was fully coherent to see the greatness of DeSean Jackson drive a stake through the heart of the New York football Giants on Sunday. That may have helped in the healing process.

So what does one do while home sick for several days? The first thing I did was pop in the “Crazy Heart” Bluray and once more realize the greatness of that movie. I mostly did it in preparation for seeing Jeff Bridges in “Tron: Legacy”. If I was going to see The Dude potentially embarrass himself in a crappy action movie, I wanted to relive his finest moment. Yeah, I love Lebowski, but I’ll be damned if Bad Blake isn’t Bridges at his finest.

The next thing? Hours upon hours of NHL 2011 and Call of Duty: Black Ops. The sad thing is that while I am quite good at hockey, I routinely get my head kicked in on Black Ops. These freaking punk kids are off the charts sick at that game. It’s become so pathetic that I am actually finding myself yelling at the screen and frustrated as I routinely finish dead last. I’m becoming what I hate most…an online gaming nerd. Eff me.

Sadly, the point of this post is to link to my Movies Online “Tron:Legacy” review. I just wanted some context around it. Honestly? That is all. I just don’t have the strength this morning to really bring any funny.

The Continuing Uselessness Of iTunes Ping

December 10, 2010 1 comment

Steve: Social media is not supposed to be annoying.

This morning, I noticed that iTunes has updated Ping to work with Twitter accounts. As the majority of social media music sites and apps (Last.FM, Soundhound, etc.) also have this capability, this interaction only makes sense. Turns out, once you give iTunes your Twitter information, you automatically post all your actions to Twitter. Like a song and click that on Ping? It automatically Tweets it, not giving you an option to not take that action.

If you’re like me, you occasionally sit down in front of your iMac and just click through your iTunes library. I’m doing it to just look for band or albums that I haven’t listened to in quite some time and sometimes, I come across something that I completely forgot I even owned. Mostly, it’s so I have a constant self-reminder of how hip and cool I am because of all the indie snob rock I won. Then, I put on a wool snow cap in the summer and get a coffee. While listening to Arcade Fire’s “Funeral” on vinyl. And smoking Parliaments. This line of hipster stereotypical humor doing anything for you?

What does all that mean? It means that I would click the Ping Like button as I scrolled through my library. Since I don’t feel like flooding my Twitter followers timeline with songs that I like, I’m not going to click the Ping Like button as often. So, at least for me, it makes the social interaction of telling Ping followers that I like a song even more irrelevant.

Yes, I spend time ogling my iTunes library. Hell, it’s got to be a better timewaste on the computer than staring endlessly at baseball stats (which is code for internet porn, don’t tell anyone). Besides, didn’t people used to just flip through their vinyl collection way back in the 70s? Ha. Those people are totally old. Old can’t touch me.

The lamest part about the automatic Tweet? You can’t even customize it. When I like to be self-important and pretentious by telling everyone what song I’m listening to, I at least like to be amusing while doing it. Ping won’t even let me do that. Here’s what it does:

http://twitter.com/#!/Chiccywood/status/13235575100280832

Weak effing sauce buddy. This mostly annoys me because the word “likes” isn’t capitalized. I’m very particular when it comes to punctuation and capitalization.

So to sum up, Ping is even more awfulerest now. In fact, it kind of sucks. It sucks really, really hard. Of course I’ll continue to use it though as I am nothing more than Steve Jobs’ bitch.

The Time That Zombies Attacked My Fraternity House & I Used My Black Ops Skills To Defend It

November 29, 2010 4 comments

Lots has happened since I lasted posted something on Cinematically Correct. For one, we all celebrated Thanksgiving. Well, all of us except those damn dirty Commies trying to destroy our economy. We also went through Black Friday (a fantastic Steely Dan song BTW) and are currently enduring Cyber Monday, which as we all know is about this:

http://twitter.com/#!/Chiccywood/status/9248368643538944

Ha. But seriously, plenty has happened. Bad Korea is upset over Good Korean calling them names and stuff, some guy named Wiki leaked all over the place, and more importantly, I wrote a review of the fifth episode of “The Walking Dead”. Get your priorities straight and read the ramblings of a mediocre writer made further unreadable due to sleep deprivation.

But on to the real task at hand. Last night, I woke up at some point in the middle of a fairly odd dream combining several things that I had recently watched. Obviously, they had been rattling around in my head brain and were combined in a fiery ball of flaming fire. For some reason, my mind had combined “The Walking Dead”, Call of Duty: Black Ops, and my fraternity house to create a monstrosity that could not be slept through. Certainly someone was trying to go all “Inception” on me and I snaked my way out of it. I’m clever like that, so stop trying to infiltrate my dreams DiCaprio.

My fraternity house (which I haven’t visited in over ten years) has three floors. I should say “had” three floors as the charter was pulled by the University and the house turned into apartments thus destroying years of my youth…I digress. On the back of the house is a large wooden fire escape. Yes, it’s wood. That way, if the house caught on fire, it would too. Genius, I know.

I found myself perched atop the fire escape, rifle in hand, plugging away at the oncoming zombie horde. Of course, this was all done in first person shooter style, complete with a laser sight and everything. I laid there and fired away, only stopped by annoying sorority girls (are there another kind?) and the occasion zombie that staggered past my defenses. I even shot a few rival fraternity members just in case they may be zombies. Look, just because a zombie is saying, “Hey, please don’t shoot me! I’m a real guy!” doesn’t mean they are telling the truth. If anything, zombies are a very dishonest bunch of non-dead dead people.

So I shot at what had to be tens of zombies, alley cats, prostitutes (except when dead, they’re called hookers), West Virginia University graduates, Green Party members, etc. You know, all menace to society type people. Oddly enough, I’m a very non-violent person when I’m not playing a video game that awards you bonus points for shooting someone in the face or stabbing them specifically in the back. I’m a big believer in the right to bear arms, but I truly despise guns. That’s not a joke. That’s a rare actual opinion that I really, really hold.

I woke up before I really got a chance to understand how the zombies came to be. It would be super if I could learn why I felt the need to defend a fraternity house that I haven’t seen since Al Gore thought he could be President. You would think I would want to guard my actual home today. Of course, it’s only in danger from a guy that looks like the Predator and several large barking squirrels so there’s really no danger there.

Cinematically Correct note: This is really all I’ve got today. [whispers] I’m sorry.

More Famous British People That I Should Play On Film

November 24, 2010 2 comments

Apparently, my more than obvious joke about wanting to star in a movie about Joe Strummer bothered some guy enough for him to call me an arsehole. Dude. It’s spelled “asshole”. Get it together or else your blog will never, ever be taken seriously. You know…like this one.

However, this got me thinking about other famous British people that I could easily portray in movies. Look, if Daniel Day Lewis can come over here and play Abe Lincoln, one of the most influential people in the history of my country, then it’s only fair that an icon such as myself do the same for famous Brits. Here are a few that I think I have the chops to portray:

Rickenbacker: The Movie

William Shakespeare – Since I obviously have the writing skills (I mean, just read my post about Joe Strummer), this should be a walk in the park. I’ll just hold a human skull in my palm, spout off some nonsense like “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”, and then watch the awards flow in.

Margaret Thatcher – Since she really hasn’t been portrayed in movies at all, I’ve decided I’d like to do a one man play about Thatcher. I’ll dress in drag, put on the orange wig, the whole deal. I think the most dramatic moment will be when Thatcher learns about the victory in the Falklands War and then explains to the world exactly where the hell the Falklands are.

Paul McCartney’s Rickenbacker Bass – It’s down to me, Blackie, Trigger, Lucille, Old Black, and Number One. Yes, those are the names of famous guitars.

David Beckham and Posh – This will stretch the limits of my skills. I’ll be playing dual roles. Of course, it will not be difficult for me to be as strikingly handsome as Becks, that’s fairly easy. On the other hand, it’s going to be tough to pull off that Posh vacant stare. She’s got that look down. It will also be uncomfortable to have those huge chemical balls strapped to my chest.

Michael Caine – There’s really nothing to make fun of here. I’d actually just like to be this guy, that’s how cool he is. Well, except for when he was in “Jaws: The Revenge”. That’s so not cool.

Big Ben – Honestly, this may be the role of a lifetime for me. See, I physically match the part. I’m fairly tall, pretty skinny, and I possess freakishly long arms. Of course, it would be helpful if one arm was shorter than the other. Don’t know what I would use for a second hand. Any ideas? Ahem. (Please see where this line of humor was going.)

Harry Potter – Wait, they’ve already made movies about that guy? I hadn’t heard.

Union Jack – I’ll be damned. Not a real guy. Son. Of. A. Bitch. I Googled it and everything. It’s the flag. Screw it, I’ll still play it.

Sir Isaac Newton – It may be a bit of a boring story, but it is definitely one that should be told. I mean, the guy that invented Fig Newtons deserves some credit. Especially once he came out with those Apple Newtons. Oh Dear Lord are those things freaking delicious. Seriously, go get some right now, thrown ’em in a bowl, microwave them, then put vanilla ice cream on top. I’d gravitate towards that dessert 100% of the time.

Cinematically Correct note: If you are British, please don’t be offended. This is all in jest (and not that funny of a jest I might add). I love the British. Especially Bono.