Flash Gordon: A Midnight Viewing Retrospective

The midnight movie is a huge cult phenomenon. Initially, the movies that were shown at midnight were low-budget, obscure movies that the general movie going public wasn’t really into. Then, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” happened and it changed the cultural landscape for midnight movies. After that pop cultural explosion, the movies shown at midnight became cult classic movies like “Evil Dead” or “Pink Flamingos”. It became more about kitschy, good natured fun. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes, theaters would screen movies that are in fact horrible movies. These are more commonly described as “so bad that it’s good”.

No, I don't want to think about how nasty these couches are, thank you very much.

“Flash Gordon” fits this description. So, two nights ago at midnight, I sat down at the Inwood Theater in Dallas and watched a midnight screening of perhaps my favorite bad movie of all time. There are several things that make this theater such a cool place to see a movie like this, the first of which is that I wasn’t sitting in a traditional movie seat. This theater (which is part of Mark Cuban’s Landmark Entertainment series) only has couches and beanbag chairs in it. While I acknowledge that a huge amount of gross stuff has probably happened on these couches, it is about as relaxing a way to watch a movie as is humanly possible.

I started to get a bit giddy as the familiar sounds of the Queen Flash Gordon theme kicked up prior to the movie starting. In fact, I started to live Tweet the entire experience. If you are into Twitter and want to give them a look, I’m under Chiccywood there. But that’s enough self-promotional whoring, let’s get on to the adventures of Flash, Zarkov, and that filthy slut Dale Arden.

As soon as Ming hit the earthquake key and the greatness of Queen blasted through the speakers, the entire theater got a case of the giggles. It was either the fact that we all recognized the cheesy greatness we were about to see or the definitely high probability that several of audience members were stoned out of their minds.

I’m not going to get into some sort of in-depth review of “Flash Gordon”. If you haven’t seen it by now, then you probably aren’t going to ever see it. Of course, if you really don’t plan on seeing it, I truly think less of you as a human being-type person. In fact, stop being on the Internet, go to iTunes or Netflix or what have you and watch “Flash Gordon”. Then, immediately come back to my blog (or visit me on my Twitter, have I mentioned it?) and finish reading this post. It will probably make you a better person.

There’s no doubt I would have made Kosmo Kramer proud as I did my own impromptu bootleg filming of a handful of scenes. The first of which is one of the greatest sequences ever committed to film. It’s up there with the Christening-murders scene from “The Godfather”. Of course, I’m talking about Flash playing football with Ming’s guards. Please try and overlook my idiotic giggling.

Pretty much the greatest picture I've ever taken.

So then a bunch of other stuff happens. You know, Flash gets executed then comes back to life, Timothy Dalton (who will be called T. Dalt from this point forward) calls that ridiculously hot Aura chick a “lying bitch” (then I laughed hysterically), the main hawkman guy says some way over the top nonsense, and Dale continues to prove that she is the easiest lay in the galaxy, as she’s ready to jump Flash after knowing him for all of 24 hours. I mean come on…what a floozy.

Oh jeez! I almost forgot. Flash and T. Dalt kill Klytus. It’s fantastic. It’s also the finest picture I took of the night.

So after all that awesome/ridiculous stuff is done, Flash and his new BFFs (the Hawkmen) attack. See, they need to stop Ming before he marries Dale…that whore. I mean, once she is married to him, it’s so over. Haven’t you ever heard the old expression?

“Once you go Max Von Sydow, you never go back.”

(I’m sorry.)

Of course, there’s really only one thing that can properly accompany a Flash Gordon-led Hawkmen attack on Ming City. More. Effing. Queen. Again…excuse my giggling, but do not overlook the fantastic delivery of “impetuous boy!”. It’s probably the greatest performance in movie history of a guy dressed up like a human hawk.

So yes, seeing “Flash Gordon” at midnight is probably the coolest thing you could ever do on a Friday night. Forget clubs, hipster bars, or any of that nonsense. Cheesy movies with a theater filled with 67% virgins is the way to go.


How To Handle Office Firings The Cinematically Correct Way

This? This is you. Every. Single. Day.

It’s a new year and you know what that means? Three words pal: job performance evaluation. That being said, yesterday, I had to say goodbye to four co-workers.  It’s never easy saying goodbye to someone you’ve hardly noticed existed for over a year, but I pulled it together and made it through it. I know…I think I’m strong too, no need to mention it.

However, most of you are massive weaklings and you can’t handle the stress of a day filled with co-workers being fired left and right all around you. Are you next? Well, you probably are as you are pissing time away reading this blog. By all means, keep reading though. In fact, you should Retweet this or link to it or some such. I would really like the opportunity to squander as much time from people you know as possible. Besides, we all know that if you Retweet this, everyone will see it immediately as we are all on Twitter all day all the time anyway.

Can I get serious for a moment? It is hard watching people leave. It can be made harder when it’s somebody that you (deep breath) actually are friendly with and don’t mind having around. For instance, one of the people fired yesterday fits that description with me. I won’t say their name or tell you if they’re a man or a woman. That’s just not fair to that person, but this person was really helpful when I started in the business that I’m not going to tell you about. They walked me through things, got the jokes I made, would be cynical about the “RA RA!” cheerleader attitude of some people here. It was just an overall good experience working with this person and I’ll legitimately miss them. Was this person justly fired? I don’t know, I’m not high up enough to tell you all the ins and outs of it. I do know that it’s really messed up to fire a pregnant person.

It’s also strange to see the person that hired you get shitcanned. What if they fired them because they think they keep hiring jackasses like me? Make no mistake about it, I’m a complete and total jackass and it’s a miracle that anyone pays me to do anything. All I really want to do is drive fast cars, drink whiskey, and chase women. Well…those are things the fictional, uber-cool vision I have of myself will do. I really want to sit at home listening to my new vinyl collection, playing X-Box, while eating ice cream right out of the mothereffing tub. Do you hear me world? Right out of the freaking tub.

Where was I? Oh yeah, my boss’ boss got fired. So yeah, now they are gone too. You can insert your own funny story here about other people being fired for the rest of that story.

I know what you’re thinking. Well, not really. If I did, I sure as shit wouldn’t be doing this job. I’d be at the circus or something, telling the future. That would be so awesome. I mean, I could have totally told these people that they were going to get fired yesterday way ahead of time.

How can I continue to make light of this? Mostly because I’ve been there. I was let go of a fairly legit manager position way back in 2009. I worked my way up, got in a position that worked for me and my boss, and everything seemed to be fine. Then, the company was bought out by a larger company. Then, corporate structure and everyday working started to change. Then, I was pretty much demoted. As a rookie to these situations, I was quite vocal about my displeasure. So instead of talking to me or trying to deal with the situation, I was let go. They gave me a nice big check and said adios. So I get it. It stinks and it’s extremely humbling.

But humbling doesn’t make you people giggle or want to read this nonsense.

Lastly, if you learn one thing from this post, let it be this: don’t cause a scene. If you are let go, try and keep your emotions in check. If you freak out, you are going to freak out the people that you claim you loved working alongside. People notice it. They start to panic. Then, you’ve got an office full of 40 people walking around on eggshells all day. I realize that their feelings are as far away from your cares at that point, but it’s really the classy thing to do. I had never been fired before and I collected my things, said goodbye to a few people, and calmly left. No yelling. No disruption. Just accept and move on.

Then, later that night, sneak inside and burn the place to the ground. Hope this helps.

Sports Flash!! Enter This Contest & Support A Blogger Sports Person

January 18, 2011 1 comment

As a blogger, I like to support other bloggers. Not financially. I like to link to them and stuff like that. There are movie blogs and music blogs that I visit quite frequently, most of which you can find on my links section. I am also a big sports guy. I do have a tendency to drift towards blogs that talk about what I love most: Philadelphia sports. When I need some baseball stats like wOBA or VORP, I go to Crashburn Alley. If you think that crazed female sports fans don’t exist, I suggest you check out Chicks Dig The Long Ball. If you’ve got some time at work that you want to spend not working, why not listen to the Upon Official Review podcast. It’s a good strong listening fun time.

This blog gets its own paragraph: The 701 Level. Yes, I realize that many people don’t get it or don’t think it’s funny at all. I laugh until I cry every time I read it. It’s not very safe for work as the language is fairly obscene. Well, I think it’s obscene. It’s hard to tell sometimes as Shep and Gil’s English isn’t too good sometimes. It goes without saying that they are two hardest core sprots blogers runnnin the sprots blogin game.

Lastly, there’s the Sportschump and their first ever Super Bowl Contest Giveaway Special Spectacular Gift Good Get Win Maybe Hats. Actually, that’s not what it’s called. I made that up. Sorry about that. However, I encourage everyone to go to their site and enter their Super Bowl contest. They encourage the funny and you could win a hat. More importantly, you could win the hearts of thousands by being a sports humorist. So click these highlighted words and enter.

Here is my entry:

1. The Packers will pull this one out, mostly because Aaron Rodgers is on a higher level of FIGJAM than Jay Cutler.

2. The Steelers will finally end this Rex Ryan debacle. Thank goodness as I’m sick of crappy foot jokes.

3. Steelers. I’m only pulling for them because Mike Tomlin is such a handsome dude & I want them to continue to pull away from the hated ‘boys for most Super Bowls ever.

4. Big Ben Rapelisraper. Or Roethlisberger. I can’t remember how to spell his name.

The total score of Steelers-Packers? Eleventy hundred and seven. Or 48.


The Silence Ends As The Skeet Ulrich Atrocity Must Be Addressed

LOOK! It's Johnny Depp!! Johnny! Hey Joh...oh...it's Skeet Ulrich.

This is Skeet Ulrich. He is terrible. Just an awful, horrendous actor. He has more money than me. He’s made out with Jewel in a movie. Neve Campbell too. Am I jealous that such a hack is more successful than I am? Absolutely.

As has been the case for several weeks, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything on this blog. It’s the rare combination of real life work responsibilities making me feel compelled to, you know, succeed at my job. Normally, I would blow that stuff right off and move along with incoherent, disposable ramblings about movies and music and such. I’ve also been trying my best to get at least one post a day up on MoviesOnline. For example, here’s the time I mocked Hobbits. I also took some time to tell you that yes, Lena Headey is hot. I also Twitter. A lot.

However, I noticed a piece of news today that compelled my brain to send signals to my fingers to type these words and put them on the Internet:

Skeet Ulrich is quitting “Law & Order: LA”. Let’s address some of things I’ve learned here.

  1. So…you’re telling me that there is a “Law & Order: LA”? What. The. Eff.
  2. How the hell can Skeet Ulrich quit a job? Isn’t that the equivalent of winning the Presidential Election and then telling the country that you were just kidding?
  3. How can a “Law & Order” show featuring Skeet Ulrich actually last long enough for him to decide to quit it?
  4. What in God’s name is Alfred Molina doing? Did he commit a heinous crime and his sentence involved starring on this sure-to-be-terrible show?

I admit, I’ve never watched a full episode of any “Law & Order”. I’m assuming I’m not missing much. I did watch the first episode of “Bob’s Burgers”. Meh. I’m a big fan of H. Jon Benjamin (voice of Bob), but the show seemed to be shooting for some quirky humor and kind of missed the mark. If anything, all I kept thinking about while listening to Benjamin’s voice was the far superior “Archer” on FX, on which Benjamin voices the main character.

To sum up: skip all “Law & Order” shows. Maybe kinda sorta give “Bob’s Burgers” a shot. If you don’t watch “Archer”, get off my Internet.

January 4th, 2011: The Day That I Realized I Want To See An Ashton Kutcher Movie

This is amazing. It’s like when astronauts discovered the Moon or like when Thomas Edison made electricity and the iPhone. After watching the extremely not safe for work trailer below, I want to see an Ashton Kutcher movie. Needless to say, I’m quite bothered by this development. I mean…it’s just that…Ashton Kutcher is so freaking terrible.

I’m giving myself some credit as there are other factors in my want to see this movie. Let’s detail them shall we? Also, this is something that I would recently have posted on MoviesOnline, but this trailer is maybe a bit too vulgar for that site. However, I’m completely fine with spreading it around here.

1. Ivan Reitman directed it and this movie looks to be extremely blue. I like that he’s going to try for an edge here.

2. Natalie Portman looks like she’s quite naked throughout. So really, that’s a huge plus.

3. Kevin Klein = greatness 100% of the time.

4. Ludacris (spelled right? I have no clue) is funny. Well, not generally, but he looks to be quite funny in this.

5. Mindy effing Kaling pal. She’s a good strong person that makes funny word sounds come out of her mouth.

6. Natalie Portman looks like she’s quite naked throughout. So really, that’s a…wait…I said that already. But…she looks naked a bunch.

This Is Me At Work On New Year’s Eve

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything on here. This seems to happen to all bloggers. There’s a steady stream of nonsense then, it slows down to a few posts a week, then a sad week of inactivity. It’s kind of like the life span of a man’s prostate gland. So yes, I’ve been lazy for the past few weeks, both here and on MoviesOnline. I have excuses, such as illness and Christmas travel, but those are weak.

So instead, let me tell you a few tales about ships and whales. Last Monday, I was fortunate enough to be part of Airport Snow Disaster ’10. I’m not going to give you the names of the cities I visited in an effort to protect my already shaky anonymity. First of all, the trip started poorly as I realized upon getting to the airport to leave on Christmas Eve morning, I forgot my iPod on the kitchen table. For this transgression, I punched a homeless. After getting past that moment of arousal, I settled down and told myself it’s okay, I’ll just listen to the music on my iPhone…even though it’s not most of my music library. Look, when I travel, I need access to thousands upon thousands of records or my ear head brain may spontaneously combust.

Other than my lack of hundreds of indie albums, the trip went fine. I won’t go into details about visiting in-laws because who cares? Also, it’s not of your business you pervert. Besides, it’s not nearly as interesting as what it took for us to leave City A to get back to my sweet Dallas Palatial Estate.

Our flight was scheduled to leave at 3:30 PM from City A and arrive in Erotic City around 4:30 PM. From there, we would take a connecting flight to Dallas. Well, our flight from City A was delayed. Not due to snow. Not due to ice. It was delayed because there wasn’t a flight crew available to fly the plane to Erotic City. Yes. This actually happened.

So we waited. I Tweeted a lot. I played games on the iPhone. I listened to music. We were going to miss our original connecting flight. So, the nice man at the City A Airport booked us on a flight from Erotic City to Dallas later in the night. Surely we would make that one. Oh, did I mention that they bumped us up to first mothereffing class? Well, they did. I naturally nodded and told the gate agent, “Look at me. Shouldn’t a guy like me be in first class anyway?” He was not amused.

Finally, we take off with a flight crew consisting of a midget in clown make-up, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and the homeless man I punched earlier in the trip over forgetting my iPod at home. Probably not, but that crew is my best guess. The flight goes great and we get to Erotic City with about 20 minutes to get to our connecting flight. Sure, we don’t get to eat dinner but at least we would have made it.

The jetway was frozen. It would not extend to the plane. We are all stuck on the plane. As maintenance crews frantically searched for several hair dryers, we watched the seconds tick by and slowly realized that we are going to miss the next flight as well. And first class. I openly wept.

Once we get off the plane and I was questioned by authorities for giving the entire Delta flight team the double bird, we were told by a very nice man that there we were going to be staying the night in Erotic City on Delta’s dime. What a pleasure. So, we were given two $6 food vouchers each and a hotel room at the Comfort Inn. Oh, we also were given a fine overnight bag complete with products that Walmart wouldn’t sell in their dollar aisle.

The next morning, we woke and made it to the airport and finally had an easy go of it. Upon arriving in Dallas around 4 PM on Tuesday afternoon, I immediately showered off the stink of two crap days spent at airports and fleabag hotels. Then, laid in bed for three hours. Upon waking, I was treated to a day’s worth of crappy treatment from my boss. So it’s been an interesting holiday season for me so far.

However, my wife bought me a sweet turntable for Christmas. I’ve already snagged a few Ryan Adams records, Wilco’s “Being There”, and Pearl Jam’s “Ten”. So I have that going for me…which is nice.

Now I’m working on New Year’s Eve. So there’s the story. Do with it as you will and please have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve holiday. As for me, I’m going to spend it hitting on my wife’s friends.

Cinematically Correct note: I’m listening to Prince now. Weird.

Sports Flash!! Rex Ryan, Rex Ryan’s Wife, Feet, & My Twittering About Rex Ryan, Rex Ryan’s Wife, & Feet

December 22, 2010 1 comment

Over the past two days or so, New York Jets head football coach Rex Ryan has had to deal with a few videos that have surfaced. In these alleged videos (which you can see on Deadspin here), Rex Ryan’s wife is shown showing off her feet. Yes, it appears that she and the man behind the camera (who clearly sounds like Rex) have a foot fetish. You know what? I don’t really care what married couples do behind clothes doors. They can hump each other’s feet until they don’t feel feelings anymore, what do I care? They aren’t doing anything wrong, aren’t hurting anyone, so big deal.

That being said, it’s pretty funny. It’s this funny: