Why Dallas Sucks At Handling Anything Not Involving Fake Boobs & Sunshine

They put sand down on the roads instead of salt...and yes, they are stupid.

You are looking at the tire of a Toyota Camry. This morning, said Toyota Camry tried to stop on an iced over driveway and instead, slid into oncoming traffic. It is not my Toyota Camry, it is Mrs. Cinematically Correct’s Toyota Camry. Also, I am being paid each time I mention the words “Toyota Camry”. It really is a fine automobile, never mind that whole shitty brakes problem from last year. That was a total fluke.

Toyota Camry.

So yes, there was a tiny fender bender today. Normally, you can place blame at one of the drivers. With all the well-documented crap weather in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area recently, you could even blame that. Nope. I’m going to blame our garbage, no-good, moronic home owners association. Why? Mostly because our entire condo complex parking lot could host an upcoming Dallas Stars NHL game. Luckily, no one in Dallas would attend because 80% of Dallas fans are fair-weather fans and the Stars haven’t been good for enough years in a row for them to care.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the HOA. Throw down some salt. They could at least pretend to make an effort for the ridiculous $200 a month we send them. Instead, we get sub-renters cooking meth, huge guys that look like the Predator, and people who let their dogs shit on the sidewalk. If you pulled that in the northeast…I shudder to think.

Does this sound like a bitter rant against Dallas? Oh, you better believe it. I’m sick and tired of this city half-assing it’s way through everything. I understand that ice storms of this magnitude are amazingly rare for our area. But, shouldn’t you have that contingency plan ready to go just in case? I don’t care if it’s in a folder on somebody’s desk collecting dust for two decades. Last week, when everyone knew we were going to get bombarded, somebody should have said, “Wait…doesn’t Bill have some folder on his desk that tells us what do in this instance?”

It flattened a school bus tire. Note the black tire streaks where the Toyota emblem should be.

So, without further adieu, here is what a Toyota Camry (cha-ching $$$) looks like when it slides on Madison Square Garden-like ice and T-bones a school bus. No one was injured. Thank goodness.

So the police came. Then EMTs. They had to check every single kid on the bus to make sure they were okay. Other than the normal amount of kid brain damage, they were all fine. For roughly two hours, we stood in the cold and watched passers by gawk and stare like morons, almost getting themselves into accidents as they did it.

While standing there, I happened to look across the street. I saw something that had to be said aloud to others nearby, but I could not speak. A tiny ball of fur was anxiously running across a six lane road directly at me.

An effing Pomeranian.

Not kidding. This little bastard came running across the street with this stupid look on its face. It was almost saying, “I KNOW I SHOULDN’T BE OUT HERE I’M A HOUSE DOG BUT I GOT OUT ANYWAY RUN RUN PEOPLE WHAT ARE CARS!” He was quite excited to see us. So much so, that Mrs. Cinematically Correct let it lick her cheek. Ew.

As any middle-class white person would do, I immediately wanted to save this dog from its street-crossing lifestyle. I can deal with a smashed Toyota Camry…but watching a dog eat it due to some redneck in a Tahoe is just way too much for this hardest core sprots bloger to take.

So we held on to the little guy for about ten minutes. I was hoping to keep him. He seemed nice enough. Then, a kid came shuffling up the sidewalk and told us that our new little friend got out while he was letting his pit bull outside. Great. So this Pomeranian gets to hang out with a maneater. We handed the little guy back over to his owner.

Then, in a move that almost made me puke, the kid smacked the dog in the face. I am not kidding. I wanted to beat the living shit out of this kid. Perhaps the police that were still lingering around would have arrested me for throttling a teenager, but I think they would have granted me mercy. We were both so shocked by this disgusting smack that we stood in silence, unable to even scold him or express our disgust.

If this is your dog, your kid is an asshole.

So in a nutshell, today has been strange. Oh yeah, almost forgot…here’s the puppy.