More Famous British People That I Should Play On Film

Apparently, my more than obvious joke about wanting to star in a movie about Joe Strummer bothered some guy enough for him to call me an arsehole. Dude. It’s spelled “asshole”. Get it together or else your blog will never, ever be taken seriously. You know…like this one.

However, this got me thinking about other famous British people that I could easily portray in movies. Look, if Daniel Day Lewis can come over here and play Abe Lincoln, one of the most influential people in the history of my country, then it’s only fair that an icon such as myself do the same for famous Brits. Here are a few that I think I have the chops to portray:

Rickenbacker: The Movie

William Shakespeare – Since I obviously have the writing skills (I mean, just read my post about Joe Strummer), this should be a walk in the park. I’ll just hold a human skull in my palm, spout off some nonsense like “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”, and then watch the awards flow in.

Margaret Thatcher – Since she really hasn’t been portrayed in movies at all, I’ve decided I’d like to do a one man play about Thatcher. I’ll dress in drag, put on the orange wig, the whole deal. I think the most dramatic moment will be when Thatcher learns about the victory in the Falklands War and then explains to the world exactly where the hell the Falklands are.

Paul McCartney’s Rickenbacker Bass – It’s down to me, Blackie, Trigger, Lucille, Old Black, and Number One. Yes, those are the names of famous guitars.

David Beckham and Posh – This will stretch the limits of my skills. I’ll be playing dual roles. Of course, it will not be difficult for me to be as strikingly handsome as Becks, that’s fairly easy. On the other hand, it’s going to be tough to pull off that Posh vacant stare. She’s got that look down. It will also be uncomfortable to have those huge chemical balls strapped to my chest.

Michael Caine – There’s really nothing to make fun of here. I’d actually just like to be this guy, that’s how cool he is. Well, except for when he was in “Jaws: The Revenge”. That’s so not cool.

Big Ben – Honestly, this may be the role of a lifetime for me. See, I physically match the part. I’m fairly tall, pretty skinny, and I possess freakishly long arms. Of course, it would be helpful if one arm was shorter than the other. Don’t know what I would use for a second hand. Any ideas? Ahem. (Please see where this line of humor was going.)

Harry Potter – Wait, they’ve already made movies about that guy? I hadn’t heard.

Union Jack – I’ll be damned. Not a real guy. Son. Of. A. Bitch. I Googled it and everything. It’s the flag. Screw it, I’ll still play it.

Sir Isaac Newton – It may be a bit of a boring story, but it is definitely one that should be told. I mean, the guy that invented Fig Newtons deserves some credit. Especially once he came out with those Apple Newtons. Oh Dear Lord are those things freaking delicious. Seriously, go get some right now, thrown ’em in a bowl, microwave them, then put vanilla ice cream on top. I’d gravitate towards that dessert 100% of the time.

Cinematically Correct note: If you are British, please don’t be offended. This is all in jest (and not that funny of a jest I might add). I love the British. Especially Bono.