First Post In Forever That Will Make Any Son With A Father Cry

Yup, it made me weepy. It’s about time that my boy JK Simmons really got something to dig into. That guy is such greatness.

Also, if you are really missing me (and who isn’t), be sure to read Red Carpet Crash. Here’s a link to my stuff there. Coming up this week? My first taped interview with writer/director Tom McCarthy. I didn’t sweat through my clothes for it, so that was a plus.

Flash Gordon: A Midnight Viewing Retrospective

The midnight movie is a huge cult phenomenon. Initially, the movies that were shown at midnight were low-budget, obscure movies that the general movie going public wasn’t really into. Then, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” happened and it changed the cultural landscape for midnight movies. After that pop cultural explosion, the movies shown at midnight became cult classic movies like “Evil Dead” or “Pink Flamingos”. It became more about kitschy, good natured fun. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes, theaters would screen movies that are in fact horrible movies. These are more commonly described as “so bad that it’s good”.

No, I don't want to think about how nasty these couches are, thank you very much.

“Flash Gordon” fits this description. So, two nights ago at midnight, I sat down at the Inwood Theater in Dallas and watched a midnight screening of perhaps my favorite bad movie of all time. There are several things that make this theater such a cool place to see a movie like this, the first of which is that I wasn’t sitting in a traditional movie seat. This theater (which is part of Mark Cuban’s Landmark Entertainment series) only has couches and beanbag chairs in it. While I acknowledge that a huge amount of gross stuff has probably happened on these couches, it is about as relaxing a way to watch a movie as is humanly possible.

I started to get a bit giddy as the familiar sounds of the Queen Flash Gordon theme kicked up prior to the movie starting. In fact, I started to live Tweet the entire experience. If you are into Twitter and want to give them a look, I’m under Chiccywood there. But that’s enough self-promotional whoring, let’s get on to the adventures of Flash, Zarkov, and that filthy slut Dale Arden.

As soon as Ming hit the earthquake key and the greatness of Queen blasted through the speakers, the entire theater got a case of the giggles. It was either the fact that we all recognized the cheesy greatness we were about to see or the definitely high probability that several of audience members were stoned out of their minds.

I’m not going to get into some sort of in-depth review of “Flash Gordon”. If you haven’t seen it by now, then you probably aren’t going to ever see it. Of course, if you really don’t plan on seeing it, I truly think less of you as a human being-type person. In fact, stop being on the Internet, go to iTunes or Netflix or what have you and watch “Flash Gordon”. Then, immediately come back to my blog (or visit me on my Twitter, have I mentioned it?) and finish reading this post. It will probably make you a better person.

There’s no doubt I would have made Kosmo Kramer proud as I did my own impromptu bootleg filming of a handful of scenes. The first of which is one of the greatest sequences ever committed to film. It’s up there with the Christening-murders scene from “The Godfather”. Of course, I’m talking about Flash playing football with Ming’s guards. Please try and overlook my idiotic giggling.

Pretty much the greatest picture I've ever taken.

So then a bunch of other stuff happens. You know, Flash gets executed then comes back to life, Timothy Dalton (who will be called T. Dalt from this point forward) calls that ridiculously hot Aura chick a “lying bitch” (then I laughed hysterically), the main hawkman guy says some way over the top nonsense, and Dale continues to prove that she is the easiest lay in the galaxy, as she’s ready to jump Flash after knowing him for all of 24 hours. I mean come on…what a floozy.

Oh jeez! I almost forgot. Flash and T. Dalt kill Klytus. It’s fantastic. It’s also the finest picture I took of the night.

So after all that awesome/ridiculous stuff is done, Flash and his new BFFs (the Hawkmen) attack. See, they need to stop Ming before he marries Dale…that whore. I mean, once she is married to him, it’s so over. Haven’t you ever heard the old expression?

“Once you go Max Von Sydow, you never go back.”

(I’m sorry.)

Of course, there’s really only one thing that can properly accompany a Flash Gordon-led Hawkmen attack on Ming City. More. Effing. Queen. Again…excuse my giggling, but do not overlook the fantastic delivery of “impetuous boy!”. It’s probably the greatest performance in movie history of a guy dressed up like a human hawk.

So yes, seeing “Flash Gordon” at midnight is probably the coolest thing you could ever do on a Friday night. Forget clubs, hipster bars, or any of that nonsense. Cheesy movies with a theater filled with 67% virgins is the way to go.

January 4th, 2011: The Day That I Realized I Want To See An Ashton Kutcher Movie

This is amazing. It’s like when astronauts discovered the Moon or like when Thomas Edison made electricity and the iPhone. After watching the extremely not safe for work trailer below, I want to see an Ashton Kutcher movie. Needless to say, I’m quite bothered by this development. I mean…it’s just that…Ashton Kutcher is so freaking terrible.

I’m giving myself some credit as there are other factors in my want to see this movie. Let’s detail them shall we? Also, this is something that I would recently have posted on MoviesOnline, but this trailer is maybe a bit too vulgar for that site. However, I’m completely fine with spreading it around here.

1. Ivan Reitman directed it and this movie looks to be extremely blue. I like that he’s going to try for an edge here.

2. Natalie Portman looks like she’s quite naked throughout. So really, that’s a huge plus.

3. Kevin Klein = greatness 100% of the time.

4. Ludacris (spelled right? I have no clue) is funny. Well, not generally, but he looks to be quite funny in this.

5. Mindy effing Kaling pal. She’s a good strong person that makes funny word sounds come out of her mouth.

6. Natalie Portman looks like she’s quite naked throughout. So really, that’s a…wait…I said that already. But…she looks naked a bunch.

Daft Punk Are Here To Make Your Techno 80s Video Game Movie Pants Fly Off

The highly anticipated Daft Punk soundtrack to “Tron: Legacy” is finally available. Up until today, you could only hear snippets of the tunes on the German Amazon.com or something called MySpace. There were loads of phony songs sent out onto the Interweb machines, probably by the band themselves, in a misdirection attempt to keep the real stuff from leaking. Know what? It may have worked. Believe me, I did everything short of breaking into a music studio to try and get this album early. Why can’t I wait? Because I can’t dammit. Hold on, here’s a better question: Why can you wait? Don’t you want this delicious techno-dance-rock on your iPod as soon as possible and the date that was decided by the group and everyone involved who knows the music business much better than I do were obviously wrong in waiting until today to officially release it but…

…I’m sorry. I’ve gone cross-eyed. Oh, here’s the Daft Punk video, complete with light cycles, some jousting, and the uber-hot Olivia Wilde.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Wizards! Wands! Geeks Dressed In Cloaks! It’s Harry Potter!

Since I’ve been writing for MoviesOnline.ca, Cinematically Correct has been kind of slow. Of course, that happens when one site says to you, “Hey, if we do well, you may actually receive money for writing.” Whereas all I get from Cinematically Correct is the praise and love from my tens of fans.

So last night, I went to see “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1” and then sat awake for an additional hour or so typing out my little review of it. Needless to say, I dug the flick. If you’d like to read my review, you can click on over to MoviesOnline and give it a read. I’d just post the whole thing but there are copyright and publishing laws or something. But there’s no law against me linking the hell out of it here and also on my Twitter (@Chiccywood, I’m a whore for followers).

Joe Strummer: The Movie

"The ice age is coming. The sun zooming in." Well, which one is it Joe? Global cooling/warming/climate change?

Now get this? The British production company, Film 4, has plans to make a Joe Strummer biopic. Um…yes please. In fact, email me. I’m interested in helping fund this thing. Well, by funding I mean I’ll give moral and verbal support. Unless it only takes like a hundred buck to get a producer credit. Then I’m totally in and stuff.

This really is a great idea. Of course, Joe Strummer was the lead singer of The Clash. That means he presided over one of the fastest rises to fame and also one of the fastest flame-outs of all time. If you ask me, the second half of the short career of The Clash is kind of crappy. I know, I know. It is so not hipster of me to say anything bad about The Clash. However, you go ahead and listen to “Combat Rock” and “Cut the Crap”. Once you’re done listening, try and tell me those albums aren’t complete trash with a straight face. They suck. You know it. I know it. Joe knew it. In fact, it may have killed him.

I apologize. That’s a lie. Joe didn’t die knowing that The Clash made two bad albums. In fact, any self respecting human being wouldn’t even suggest such a thing. I’m embarrassed. Joe died due to a congenital heart defect. But, if someone can explain what your genitals have to do with a heart defect, I’d really appreciate it.

Again, I’m sorry. I need to learn to write words more better than this as I am having trouble staying on point. The point is this: If anyone even considers casting Robert Pattinson as Joe Strummer I will…well…I’ll write a nasty blog post about it. I already read somewhere that folks were suggesting James Franco. Yeah, I guess that would be okay. My personal choice would be…well…it would be me. That’s right, I want to be Joe Strummer. I can smoke and drink and scream at band mates just as well as the next guy. You won’t even have to teach me how to play guitar. I’m perfectly capable of playing the six or seven chords needed to play the entire Clash song library.

Or I guess you could get Franco. What the eff has he done anyway?

You Know Where To Turn For All Your Flash Gordon Coverage

Look, we all know that there is one film that is consistently wronged. It doesn’t get the credit that it truly deserves as being a true masterpiece. Of course, I’m talking about “Flash Gordon”. Here’s a little feature that is apparently on the DVD that shows the differences in the audio from the DVD and the HBO version.

Yes, if you watch this it will be about four minutes of your life that you will not get back. [whispering] I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…

There Is No Top Gun Without Maverick Just As There Is No Danger Zone Without Kenny Loggins

I was inverted.

Last week, I wrote about Tony Scott getting back in the director’s chair for a sequel to “Top Gun” over at MoviesOnline. There is no doubt that I am incredibly excited for a return to this material as, much like Maverick, my ego has been writing checks that my body can’t cash. Not only that, every time I go to blog, I’m dangerous.

You might be asking yourself, why I am so obsessed with “Top Gun”? Well, mostly because it’s completely kickass. There isn’t one thing wrong with it, including the 80s slow motion love scene set to Berlin. There is a certain irony that the two actors in that scene, Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis, are both…well…the rumors of some things…we won’t get into that. Let’s just focus on how this movie is still a muthereffing masterpiece.

Did you know that Christopher McQuarrie, Oscar winning writer of “The Usual Suspects”, is writing this thing? Holy jumpin’ jehosaphat that’s fantastic. Not only that, he confirmed with Vulture that there is no “Top Gun 2” without Maverick. I was really hoping there is no “Top Gun 2” without the Reanimated Ghost Of Anthony “Goose” Edwards but I’ll take what I can get.

Here is how much I love “Top Gun”. I own a green army style jacket…with a patch on it that reads Maverick. I’m not kidding. I’ll photograph it and post it on Twitter later today. (By the way, follow me on Twitter, @Chiccywood) In college, a few of my fraternity brothers and I named a cat Maverick. When I move to different cities or visit other places, I look up the name Peggy Benjamin in the phone book to see if she really exists and if so, find out if she would like to join me for a ride in my jet. So as you can see, I’ve pretty much detailed my life to this point based on Maverick, his lifestyle, his actions, his character, but not his hair cut.

I’ve been very slow in posting things here as I’ve really tried to focus on MoviesOnline. You may ask, whose butt did I kiss to get a gig writing for that site? Oh, the list is long and distinguished.

Yeah…well…so’s my Johnson.

Cinematically Correct note: [whispering] I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

 

 

After Seeing “The Social Network”, The Greed & Conniving Behind Facebook Will Make You Switch To Twitter For Good

It turns out that Mark Zuckerberg, Eduardo Saverin, Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, and Sean Parker are all on Facebook. The knowledge that I could potentially be Facebook friends with any of these people really only makes me happy that I personally do not have a Facebook page. Because if only half of what occurs in “The Social Network” is truth, these are some very vacuous individuals. Of course, they are led my Zuckerberg, who Jesse Eisenberg portrays in such a terrifyingly ambitious and arrogant fashion, that he has completely graduated from the Michael Cera School of Acting. Up until now, Eisenberg has played the neurotic intellectual in every role, but after “The Social Network”, he could play a cold, calculating psychopath and pull it off with aplomb.

Yes, “The Social Network” is known as “that Facebook movie”. While it definitely transcends being just a movie about a social networking site’s creation, it essentially is just that: a movie about the backstabbing, lying, cheating, dishonest dealings behind the creation of one of the most popular websites on planet Earth. There are some seriously ugly moments that don’t make you cringe as much as you’ll feel unbelievably sad for these people. While there are several victims of Zuckerberg’s sociopath-like reign of lies and deceit, there really aren’t many angels involved in this tale; these people are sharks swimming along with the smell of blood constantly under their nose.

In case you weren’t aware, “The Social Network” follows Mark Zuckerberg’s lightning fast transformation from Harvard student to billionaire in just under a decade. He did so with the help of his best friend, Eduardo (Andrew Garfield), who became his de facto CFO. There’s really no doubt that Zuckerberg approached Eduardo only because he knew that he could help fund his new “idea”. Of course, this idea was partially (if not completely) stolen from Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss (Armie Hammer), two Harvard rowers, and their friend, Divya Narendra (Max Minghella). The three of them originally approach Zuckerberg after learning about the stir he created with a Harvard site called FaceSmash.com, which let you choose the more attractive of two students.

Essentially, all of the ideas generated by these people are all based on shallow, insubstantial ideals. Zuckerberg wants to be involved because he wants so badly to be accepted in the “cool kids club” that he’s willing to invent one himself in order to achieve that goal. The Winklevoss group wants to make a website that, like Harvard, is considered extremely exclusive to Harvard students only. Again, it’s just one vain idea after another, based on nothing more than giving people an outlet for their self-obsession.

No, “The Social Network” isn’t quite a damning critique of every single Facebook user, but it definitely shows the self-centered people behind creating a website that, let’s face it, is more about you than the friends you have on it. This movie examines how a nerdy and needy person wanted to beat the rich, popular guys to the punch. Of course, those rich and popular guys are just taking an already elitist institution and just adding to the overall snobbery of Harvard.

The straws that really stir “The Social Network” are director David Fincher and screenwriter Aaron Sorkin. Fincher, not exactly known for his warm-hearted tales, is the perfect man for the job here. This is a tale about greedy, privileged people all on the lookout for themselves, without a care in the world as to who it would potentially destroy. From serial killers in “Seven” to the anachronistic schizophrenic in “Fight Club”, Fincher is fantastic at making the worst part of humanity a thrilling thing to watch.

While Fincher’s skills are definitely on display, the real star of the show is Jesse Eisenberg’s mouth saying Aaron Sorkin’s words. There really could not have been a better choice to play the smug, insecure, passive-aggressive Mark Zuckerberg. Eisenberg tears through the Sorkin script and keeps you wanting more and more. There are moments in which Eisenberg silently stares at other actors after they say something challenging to him. These small pauses, in which he’s just sizing up the perfect reactionary statement, are as intense and thrilling as most big screen car chases. With out a doubt, Eisenberg is ready for the big time.

There is no doubt that “The Social Network” should be considered one of the best films to be released in 2010 to this point. However, there is something missing, which may or may not be intentional. There just isn’t any heart in this movie. I found myself not caring much about any of these people. The only sympathetic character, Garfield’s Eduardo, is the only person that you may find yourself caring about, but even he is so naive that you can see his eventual demise coming a mile away. For that reason only, “Inception” is still at the top of my 2010 list. However, “The Social Network” is a must see film, if only to witness the lengths at which Generation Y will go for power, success, and money.

The Twitter Effect: A Study Of Blog Neglect & Other Fine Things You Will Be Wanting To Enjoy Because They Are Fine

Why is that prick smiling? Nothing funny about Twitter failure.

It turns out, Twitter has been the dearth of Cinematically Correct. It’s not because I am spewing forth all kinds of opinion on movies or music or TV there, it’s more like my writing has taken a sharp turn towards…the insane, free-flowing thoughts of a crazy person.

I look back at posts the last few weeks and there isn’t a shred of actual opinion. Ah, that’s too much. There is opinion, but none of which is based on fact. Actually, quite a bit of it is based on nothing more than lying in an effort to be funny. It’s sad and I’m not proud of it. So here are some odds and ends:

• There are a few reasons why I never watched NBC’s “Chuck”. The biggest reason is that even when I did DVR it, I never seemed to choose it as I perused through the list of things to watch. It just kept being skipped over so I eventually pulled the plug. Well, after the latest ratings, NBC may pull the plug on “Chuck” as well. The 2.0 share in the 18-49 market had them just above the now-dead “Lone Star”. As much as I enjoy Adam Baldwin on Twitter, it’s probably about time to say bye to “Chuck”. Sad face.
• Tonight, I have two passes for free early screenings of “Let Me In” and “It’s Kind Of A Funny Story”. My job, which is considerable more time consuming than those in the past, keeps me from my blog during the work day, but it also makes me…tired and wanting to be at home. Normally, I run to these screenings like Tyrone Biggums to a Free Crack Giveaway. But tonight, I may skip them both and play Madden. No, I don’t smoke weed. I’m just that effing lazy.
• So I listened to the new Sufjan Stevens album, “The Age Of Adz”, on NPR today. My initial assessment? This record is going to make the guys in Animal Collective shit themselves. Sure, that band really has that electro-folkie move down pat, but Sufjan is about to beat them at their own game.
• Seriously, do you know how hard it is to come up with a remotely amusing title for a blog post that will hopefully attract one click from Twitter to here? It’s a bitch. This 140 character Twitter noise sucks. Also, how about you score me the New Twitter there Twitter? It would be so choice. Like a red Ferrari.
• By the way, you should follow me on Twitter. I’m @Chiccywood. Yeah. Don’t ask. Okay ask. My nickname is Chic. The rest you can figure out.