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First Post In Forever That Will Make Any Son With A Father Cry

Yup, it made me weepy. It’s about time that my boy JK Simmons really got something to dig into. That guy is such greatness.

Also, if you are really missing me (and who isn’t), be sure to read Red Carpet Crash. Here’s a link to my stuff there. Coming up this week? My first taped interview with writer/director Tom McCarthy. I didn’t sweat through my clothes for it, so that was a plus.

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Flash Gordon: A Midnight Viewing Retrospective

The midnight movie is a huge cult phenomenon. Initially, the movies that were shown at midnight were low-budget, obscure movies that the general movie going public wasn’t really into. Then, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” happened and it changed the cultural landscape for midnight movies. After that pop cultural explosion, the movies shown at midnight became cult classic movies like “Evil Dead” or “Pink Flamingos”. It became more about kitschy, good natured fun. It may be hard to believe, but sometimes, theaters would screen movies that are in fact horrible movies. These are more commonly described as “so bad that it’s good”.

No, I don't want to think about how nasty these couches are, thank you very much.

“Flash Gordon” fits this description. So, two nights ago at midnight, I sat down at the Inwood Theater in Dallas and watched a midnight screening of perhaps my favorite bad movie of all time. There are several things that make this theater such a cool place to see a movie like this, the first of which is that I wasn’t sitting in a traditional movie seat. This theater (which is part of Mark Cuban’s Landmark Entertainment series) only has couches and beanbag chairs in it. While I acknowledge that a huge amount of gross stuff has probably happened on these couches, it is about as relaxing a way to watch a movie as is humanly possible.

I started to get a bit giddy as the familiar sounds of the Queen Flash Gordon theme kicked up prior to the movie starting. In fact, I started to live Tweet the entire experience. If you are into Twitter and want to give them a look, I’m under Chiccywood there. But that’s enough self-promotional whoring, let’s get on to the adventures of Flash, Zarkov, and that filthy slut Dale Arden.

As soon as Ming hit the earthquake key and the greatness of Queen blasted through the speakers, the entire theater got a case of the giggles. It was either the fact that we all recognized the cheesy greatness we were about to see or the definitely high probability that several of audience members were stoned out of their minds.

I’m not going to get into some sort of in-depth review of “Flash Gordon”. If you haven’t seen it by now, then you probably aren’t going to ever see it. Of course, if you really don’t plan on seeing it, I truly think less of you as a human being-type person. In fact, stop being on the Internet, go to iTunes or Netflix or what have you and watch “Flash Gordon”. Then, immediately come back to my blog (or visit me on my Twitter, have I mentioned it?) and finish reading this post. It will probably make you a better person.

There’s no doubt I would have made Kosmo Kramer proud as I did my own impromptu bootleg filming of a handful of scenes. The first of which is one of the greatest sequences ever committed to film. It’s up there with the Christening-murders scene from “The Godfather”. Of course, I’m talking about Flash playing football with Ming’s guards. Please try and overlook my idiotic giggling.

Pretty much the greatest picture I've ever taken.

So then a bunch of other stuff happens. You know, Flash gets executed then comes back to life, Timothy Dalton (who will be called T. Dalt from this point forward) calls that ridiculously hot Aura chick a “lying bitch” (then I laughed hysterically), the main hawkman guy says some way over the top nonsense, and Dale continues to prove that she is the easiest lay in the galaxy, as she’s ready to jump Flash after knowing him for all of 24 hours. I mean come on…what a floozy.

Oh jeez! I almost forgot. Flash and T. Dalt kill Klytus. It’s fantastic. It’s also the finest picture I took of the night.

So after all that awesome/ridiculous stuff is done, Flash and his new BFFs (the Hawkmen) attack. See, they need to stop Ming before he marries Dale…that whore. I mean, once she is married to him, it’s so over. Haven’t you ever heard the old expression?

“Once you go Max Von Sydow, you never go back.”

(I’m sorry.)

Of course, there’s really only one thing that can properly accompany a Flash Gordon-led Hawkmen attack on Ming City. More. Effing. Queen. Again…excuse my giggling, but do not overlook the fantastic delivery of “impetuous boy!”. It’s probably the greatest performance in movie history of a guy dressed up like a human hawk.

So yes, seeing “Flash Gordon” at midnight is probably the coolest thing you could ever do on a Friday night. Forget clubs, hipster bars, or any of that nonsense. Cheesy movies with a theater filled with 67% virgins is the way to go.

January 4th, 2011: The Day That I Realized I Want To See An Ashton Kutcher Movie

This is amazing. It’s like when astronauts discovered the Moon or like when Thomas Edison made electricity and the iPhone. After watching the extremely not safe for work trailer below, I want to see an Ashton Kutcher movie. Needless to say, I’m quite bothered by this development. I mean…it’s just that…Ashton Kutcher is so freaking terrible.

I’m giving myself some credit as there are other factors in my want to see this movie. Let’s detail them shall we? Also, this is something that I would recently have posted on MoviesOnline, but this trailer is maybe a bit too vulgar for that site. However, I’m completely fine with spreading it around here.

1. Ivan Reitman directed it and this movie looks to be extremely blue. I like that he’s going to try for an edge here.

2. Natalie Portman looks like she’s quite naked throughout. So really, that’s a huge plus.

3. Kevin Klein = greatness 100% of the time.

4. Ludacris (spelled right? I have no clue) is funny. Well, not generally, but he looks to be quite funny in this.

5. Mindy effing Kaling pal. She’s a good strong person that makes funny word sounds come out of her mouth.

6. Natalie Portman looks like she’s quite naked throughout. So really, that’s a…wait…I said that already. But…she looks naked a bunch.

Daft Punk Are Here To Make Your Techno 80s Video Game Movie Pants Fly Off

The highly anticipated Daft Punk soundtrack to “Tron: Legacy” is finally available. Up until today, you could only hear snippets of the tunes on the German Amazon.com or something called MySpace. There were loads of phony songs sent out onto the Interweb machines, probably by the band themselves, in a misdirection attempt to keep the real stuff from leaking. Know what? It may have worked. Believe me, I did everything short of breaking into a music studio to try and get this album early. Why can’t I wait? Because I can’t dammit. Hold on, here’s a better question: Why can you wait? Don’t you want this delicious techno-dance-rock on your iPod as soon as possible and the date that was decided by the group and everyone involved who knows the music business much better than I do were obviously wrong in waiting until today to officially release it but…

…I’m sorry. I’ve gone cross-eyed. Oh, here’s the Daft Punk video, complete with light cycles, some jousting, and the uber-hot Olivia Wilde.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Wizards! Wands! Geeks Dressed In Cloaks! It’s Harry Potter!

November 20, 2010 1 comment

Since I’ve been writing for MoviesOnline.ca, Cinematically Correct has been kind of slow. Of course, that happens when one site says to you, “Hey, if we do well, you may actually receive money for writing.” Whereas all I get from Cinematically Correct is the praise and love from my tens of fans.

So last night, I went to see “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1” and then sat awake for an additional hour or so typing out my little review of it. Needless to say, I dug the flick. If you’d like to read my review, you can click on over to MoviesOnline and give it a read. I’d just post the whole thing but there are copyright and publishing laws or something. But there’s no law against me linking the hell out of it here and also on my Twitter (@Chiccywood, I’m a whore for followers).

Joe Strummer: The Movie

November 17, 2010 3 comments

"The ice age is coming. The sun zooming in." Well, which one is it Joe? Global cooling/warming/climate change?

Now get this? The British production company, Film 4, has plans to make a Joe Strummer biopic. Um…yes please. In fact, email me. I’m interested in helping fund this thing. Well, by funding I mean I’ll give moral and verbal support. Unless it only takes like a hundred buck to get a producer credit. Then I’m totally in and stuff.

This really is a great idea. Of course, Joe Strummer was the lead singer of The Clash. That means he presided over one of the fastest rises to fame and also one of the fastest flame-outs of all time. If you ask me, the second half of the short career of The Clash is kind of crappy. I know, I know. It is so not hipster of me to say anything bad about The Clash. However, you go ahead and listen to “Combat Rock” and “Cut the Crap”. Once you’re done listening, try and tell me those albums aren’t complete trash with a straight face. They suck. You know it. I know it. Joe knew it. In fact, it may have killed him.

I apologize. That’s a lie. Joe didn’t die knowing that The Clash made two bad albums. In fact, any self respecting human being wouldn’t even suggest such a thing. I’m embarrassed. Joe died due to a congenital heart defect. But, if someone can explain what your genitals have to do with a heart defect, I’d really appreciate it.

Again, I’m sorry. I need to learn to write words more better than this as I am having trouble staying on point. The point is this: If anyone even considers casting Robert Pattinson as Joe Strummer I will…well…I’ll write a nasty blog post about it. I already read somewhere that folks were suggesting James Franco. Yeah, I guess that would be okay. My personal choice would be…well…it would be me. That’s right, I want to be Joe Strummer. I can smoke and drink and scream at band mates just as well as the next guy. You won’t even have to teach me how to play guitar. I’m perfectly capable of playing the six or seven chords needed to play the entire Clash song library.

Or I guess you could get Franco. What the eff has he done anyway?

Categories: Movie News, Movies Tags: ,

You Know Where To Turn For All Your Flash Gordon Coverage

Look, we all know that there is one film that is consistently wronged. It doesn’t get the credit that it truly deserves as being a true masterpiece. Of course, I’m talking about “Flash Gordon”. Here’s a little feature that is apparently on the DVD that shows the differences in the audio from the DVD and the HBO version.

Yes, if you watch this it will be about four minutes of your life that you will not get back. [whispering] I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…

Categories: Movies Tags: