The Ten Things You Can Watch Me Do During My Fantasy Baseball League Draft

1. Highlight names of players I draft in yellow.
2. Wonder how the other MLB teams don’t have Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, & Roy Oswalt.
3. Consult local legend/draft expert/Super Bowl planner expert Jerry Jones with each of my choices.
4. Drink Diet Coke.
5. Costume changes that involve several pieces of Phillies gear.
6. Annoy my wife with what is most definitely clever banter, but she simply doesn’t understand.
7. Loudly question why 1993 Lenny Dykstra is not available to be chosen.
8. Not eat gluten.
9. Bombard your ears with my own Chris Berman-style names for current day players.
10. Openly cry as I watch the 2008 Philadelphia Phillies World Series Championship Bluray disc.

Halladay, Blanton, Lee, Oswalt, Hamels: The Greatest Five Man Table Sit Of All Time

ROYJOECLIFFROYCOLE

It’s going to start early this year. I’m already in full-on Phillies giddiness. For example, today’s work clothes consist of a brand new Phillies hoodie, a Cliff Lee thong, and nothing else. Oh yeah. Vans. I’m wearing some Vans.

So I apologize in advance. But I’m really not sorry. That’s just me being nice. I want the Phillies to go 162-0 while decimating every single Major League Baseball team along the way. Including the team that you like, whichever it may be. In fact, I hope they beat the team that you like ever worse than the other teams that you don’t like. If it’s the Mets, I hope they double beat them.

Sports Flash!! Enter This Contest & Support A Blogger Sports Person

As a blogger, I like to support other bloggers. Not financially. I like to link to them and stuff like that. There are movie blogs and music blogs that I visit quite frequently, most of which you can find on my links section. I am also a big sports guy. I do have a tendency to drift towards blogs that talk about what I love most: Philadelphia sports. When I need some baseball stats like wOBA or VORP, I go to Crashburn Alley. If you think that crazed female sports fans don’t exist, I suggest you check out Chicks Dig The Long Ball. If you’ve got some time at work that you want to spend not working, why not listen to the Upon Official Review podcast. It’s a good strong listening fun time.

This blog gets its own paragraph: The 701 Level. Yes, I realize that many people don’t get it or don’t think it’s funny at all. I laugh until I cry every time I read it. It’s not very safe for work as the language is fairly obscene. Well, I think it’s obscene. It’s hard to tell sometimes as Shep and Gil’s English isn’t too good sometimes. It goes without saying that they are two hardest core sprots blogers runnnin the sprots blogin game.

Lastly, there’s the Sportschump and their first ever Super Bowl Contest Giveaway Special Spectacular Gift Good Get Win Maybe Hats. Actually, that’s not what it’s called. I made that up. Sorry about that. However, I encourage everyone to go to their site and enter their Super Bowl contest. They encourage the funny and you could win a hat. More importantly, you could win the hearts of thousands by being a sports humorist. So click these highlighted words and enter.

Here is my entry:

1. The Packers will pull this one out, mostly because Aaron Rodgers is on a higher level of FIGJAM than Jay Cutler.

2. The Steelers will finally end this Rex Ryan debacle. Thank goodness as I’m sick of crappy foot jokes.

3. Steelers. I’m only pulling for them because Mike Tomlin is such a handsome dude & I want them to continue to pull away from the hated ‘boys for most Super Bowls ever.

4. Big Ben Rapelisraper. Or Roethlisberger. I can’t remember how to spell his name.

The total score of Steelers-Packers? Eleventy hundred and seven. Or 48.

 

Sports Flash!! Rex Ryan, Rex Ryan’s Wife, Feet, & My Twittering About Rex Ryan, Rex Ryan’s Wife, & Feet

Over the past two days or so, New York Jets head football coach Rex Ryan has had to deal with a few videos that have surfaced. In these alleged videos (which you can see on Deadspin here), Rex Ryan’s wife is shown showing off her feet. Yes, it appears that she and the man behind the camera (who clearly sounds like Rex) have a foot fetish. You know what? I don’t really care what married couples do behind clothes doors. They can hump each other’s feet until they don’t feel feelings anymore, what do I care? They aren’t doing anything wrong, aren’t hurting anyone, so big deal.

That being said, it’s pretty funny. It’s this funny:

http://twitter.com/#!/Chiccywood/status/17760474951061504

http://twitter.com/#!/Chiccywood/status/17761280458752000

http://twitter.com/#!/Chiccywood/status/17761835516170240

http://twitter.com/#!/Chiccywood/status/17762360680779776

http://twitter.com/#!/Chiccywood/status/17765055755980800

Sports Flash!! Cliff Lee & The Phillies Create Four Headed Pitching Monster That Will Eat Your City

Merry Cliffmas. Happy Holladay. Oswalt To The World. Umm... Cole Hamels too.

A quick search through the substantial archives of Cinematically Correct will reveal that I am a Phillies fan. I’ve written extensively about my sick worship of all things Philadelphia. To me, Rocky Balboa is pretty much a real guy. The “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” theme music is on my iPod. Even though it’s steeped in disco 70s pop cheese, my favorite Elton John song is “Philadelphia Freedom”.

Last night, Cliff Lee rejected the Yankees and Rangers and chose to sign with the Philadelphia Phillies. Yankees fans are calling him crazy for turning down the money. Ranger fans are treating him like some sort of LeBron James jackass. Some say he couldn’t handle the pressure of New York. Some say he couldn’t handle being the clear ace of the Ranger pitching staff.

This is all horseshit. Think there isn’t pressure in Philly? We boo everyone, just ask Darren Daulton’s son, who was booed in a father-son softball game because Daulton couldn’t hit his weight. I don’t care if you are on a pitching staff with Cy Young, Don Drysdale, Nolan Ryan, and Roy Halladay, there is pressure in Philly.

Also, what about the added pressure of being in a rotation consisting of Halladay, Roy Oswalt, and Cole Hamels? If you don’t think those guys are going to be pitching to outdo each other, you’re crazy. Just ask Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, and John Smoltz about how competitive they were. I mean, those guys wanted to outhit each other for God’s Sake.

LeBron? Please. Cliff Lee didn’t orchestrate this move. Cliff Lee isn’t turning his back on anyone. He chose the Phillies over everyone else because he loved playing for them. It’s no secret how floored he was when the Phillies mistakenly traded him almost one year ago to the day. It’s almost as if the Phillies and Cliff Lee knew that it was a mistake and this was to make up for the error.

Look, it’s not like Cliff Lee is getting minimum wage here. He’s getting paid a boatload of money that will take care of his family for at least two generations. However, in an age when most pro athletes simply take the biggest paycheck available (coughJaysonWerthcough), Lee took less money to play where he was comfortable. It’s where he wanted to be.

So in conclusion, suck it Yankees.

Cinematically Correct note: The picture here was made by Phylan of Twitter. Sacrilegious? Yes. Hilariously brilliant? Totally.

Randy Moss: The Pride Of Marshall University

Sigh. I remember way back in the mid 1990s when I attended Marshall University and saw this guy hurdle another player. Now, he regularly quits on plays and gets his quotes mixed into hip-hop tracks. Greatness. Thanks Randy!

I Survived The Great Philly Sports Depression Weekend & All I Get Is To Come To Work Today?

Rare photo of Cinematically Correct shortly after the Phillies loss on Saturday night.

It’s been a rough weekend. On Friday, I chose to stay in and watch the New York Yankees get their face kicked in by the Texas Rangers, en route to their first World Series ever. Yes, it’s very exciting for them. However, I knew that meant I would be coming to work today and be surrounded by several brand new lifelong Rangers fans. As a demented Philadelphia fan since birth, the sheer idea of bandwagon and fair-weather fandom is beyond my comprehension. To see it regarding the Rangers to the extreme that I am seeing it today, really makes what happened on Saturday night even more nauseating.

See, I now have to spend the next week hearing about the silly Texas Ranger franchise in the World Series without my beloved Phillies playing them. Instead, the Rangers are going to get to annihilate a pieced together team full of cast-offs. I’ll give them a handful of players (Lincecum, Posey, etc.) but Cody Ross? Released by the Marlins this season. Pat Burrell? Released by the Rays and out of baseball for about a week. Aubrey Huff? He’s been on every team in the league. So, the combo of Rangers in the World Series and the pathetic scrub roster of the Giants makes the Phillies loss even more exceptionally painful.

Then, the Eagles go and blow a lead yesterday and get smoked by the Titans. One would think that Kenny Britt beat up enough people over the weekend, but I guess he felt the Eagles secondary needed one as well. Ellis Hobbs, to be specific. I won’t go into analysis here, as I would like to avoid going completely batshit insane.

The good news is that I did watch the final episode of AMC’s “Rubicon”. What a great first season. It’s suspenseful, dramatic, and way, way smart. It’s probably too smart for its own good. The only issue I have is that it did kind of end in an anti-climatic way. I guess I expected the bad guy to get his come-uppance. Instead, it’s kind of set up for an ongoing power struggle, which is fun times.

The bad news? This pains me. Deeply. “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” has not been good. It’s just…I don’t know. It feels so forced. I really liked “Mac’s Big Break” with the Flyers game and the podcasting, but overall? Bad season. It started off really poorly and it’s tried hard to recover, but it feels like it’s running on fumes. Of course, it’s hard to beat the greatness of “The World Series Defense”, which is the gold standard.

So yeah. That’s really all I’ve got. Follow me on Twitter. Root for the Rangers. Or the Giants. I don’t care…as long as you also hope the Dallas Cowboys lose tonight. That’s really all that matters people.

Sports Flash!! Thank You For The Sports Cry Roy Halladay

Every baseball game after this one will be a let down.

Yes. I sports cried yesterday. I stood in my living room, hands on the top of my head, unable to really make actual words come out of my mouth. Essentially, it was just an open hole in my face.

I’m not going to go on and on about the game. There are sports writers out there for that. There are two things that I wanted to say about the game:

1. I took sick pleasure in watching Scott Rolen strike out three times. He’s a whiny baby who couldn’t handle playing in Philly. Coincidence the team started winning after he was sent packing? Probably. Scott Rolen? You just got faced.
2. Thank you to the Phillies for this amazing four year ride. As a Philly fan used to 30 years of watching his favorite teams fail or just come up short, I promise to never take you for granted. Umm…I love you.

Man, that got weird again didn’t it? My apologies to my tens of fans.

The 2010 NFL Picks That Will Make Your Pants Fly Off

I’ve thought long and hard (huh huh) about these NFL picks. I’ve studied film, statistics, and athlete dong photos. These, among other factors, have attributed to these precise choices. You don’t have to thank me for the additional tid-bits of information either. It’s there just so all you fantasy football lovers/virgins can get that extra info going into your last minute drafts. As usual, please, no wagering.

AFC East

1. New England Patriots. Tom Brady’s hair in the NFL Network commercials makes me doubt this pick, but he does have sex with Gisele Bundchen. That’s a win.
2. New York Jets. I dig Mark Sanchez’s beard…and there’s always this.
3. Miami Dolphins. You can give them one more win based on Bill Parcells and his fupa leaving the team. That thing is distracting.
4. Buffalo Bills. Anybody else think that Alabama could give them a run for their money?

AFC North

1. Cincinnati Bengals. It’s rare when the Bengals are the least crime committing team in the division.
2. Baltimore Ravens. Yes, they are a good team but keep in mind, Ray Lewis may have killed a guy. That’s right.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers. On a positive note, the Steelers lead the team in fat, stupid, arrogant, raping douchebag quarterbacks.
4. Cleveland Browns. They should just take their talents to Division III college football.

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts. Don’t want to start anything…but look up some stuff about Peyton Manning’s alleged poon-houndery. One word: “Tiger-ish”.
2. Houston Texans. At one point, I promised I would root for this team. That was after their first game, when they beat the Cowboys. What an awesome day.
3. Tennessee Titans. The fact that the word “tit” is in their name makes me want them to perform well.
4. Jacksonville Jaguars. Hm. I’ve got nothing. So, here’s this.

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers. Norv Turner’s face looks like someone put a fire out on it using baseball spikes. They have a good team too.
2. Denver Broncos. Tebow joke? Nah. I don’t want to be smited. Smote? Smoted? Whatever.
3. Kansas City Chiefs. Sorry, but I can’t pull for a team whose city has the name of a state that it is not in in it. Look, this is hard. Some of these will not be my best work.
4. Oakland Raiders. Tell you what…Al Davis? That sumbitch sure can dress. Where’s he get those track suits? For real. Who is his effing tailor? Bet he gets so much ass.

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys. Remember when they blew up old Cowboy Stadium? Yeah…the team wasn’t in it. I know…bummer man.
2. Philadelphia Eagles. My favorite team. By favorite, I mean I’m wearing an Eagles onesie this very second. Pray for me America.
3. New York Giants. In Philly, we call them the Ginas. Funny right? Yeah. It’s not.
4. Washington Redskins. There’s a good chance that I’ll cry like a bitch when I first see Donovan McNabb in this uniform.

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers. Hm, I think chicks dig Aaron Rodgers. He could be a douchebag though.
2. Minnesota Vikings. Hm, I don’t think that chicks dig Brett Favre. He’s definitely a douchebag though.
3. Chicago Bears. Embarrassing note: I owned the Super Bowl Shuffle song. On 45. Not really. I made that up for humor purposes. Don’t judge me.
4. Detroit Lions. Thank goodness for Jack White or else Detroit would be so good for nothing right now.

NFC South

1. New Orleans Saints. Until this team lives in the now and moves out of the dump that they play in, I am completely against them. Just say no to artificial turf.
2. Atlanta Falcons. There’s this tiny part of me that thinks they win this division. It’s a shame that no one in Atlanta will care as they are the worst front running fan base in sports history.
3. Carolina Panthers. Currently winning a vicious war to prove they are the least crap out of two crappy teams.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They are losing the war mentioned above.

NFC West

1. San Francisco 49ers. Cheer on the Niners! They get to win this division then get their ass handed to them in the first round of the playoffs as much more deserving teams sit at home!
2. Arizona Cardinals. They would be better off if Kurt Warner’s Five O’Clock Shadow was quarterbacking the team.
3. Seattle Seahawks. Finally, Pete Carroll can pay his players using direct deposit. That whole cash under the table thing was a real beating, what with all the ATM runs and such.
4. St. Louis Rams. Call me crazy, but that Sam Bradford? I think he’s got some Injun in him. Is that the right word, Injun?

Playoff Teams & Results

• AFC – Patriots, Colts, Bengals, Chargers, Ravens, Jets
• NFC – Cowboys, Packers, Saints, 49ers, Vikings, Eagles
• AFC Championship Game – Colts over Patriots. Manning steals Gisele afterwards as well.
• NFC Championship Game – Packers over Cowboys. I don’t really think the Cowboys make it this far, just did this to taunt any potential Cowboy fans than may read this. Ha. In your face.
• SUPER BOWL – Colts over Packers.

Good Morning America! Welcome To The Era Of “Me First” Where Nothing Is Ever My Fault

We Are Witless.

Fair warning: I’m about to become one of those people that equates LeBron James’ recent behavior to the current climate of the United States. There’s a great chance that I could a) potentially offend people, b) not be eloquent, and/or c) insult several sports fans.

Shouldn’t people have seen this LeBron James move coming for quite some time? All signs show that he could have cared less about the fact that he was born and raised in Akron, OH and had the “opportunity” to play for his home state’s professional basketball team. LeBron openly showed that he rooted for the New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys. You know, two teams that almost everyone from Ohio ends up as fans.

So my first problem here is at least a sports related problem instead of society as a whole, which I will get into later. People, enough with hopping on the bandwagon. Is there a worse sports fan than a frontrunner? I live in Dallas, TX and it blows my mind that people would rather put on a Kobe Bryant (whom I like more than LeBron now, congrats BronBron) jersey than a Dirk Nowitzki jersey. Why is this?

It’s because we now live in a sports world in which everyone wants to root for a winner and nobody wants to suffer through the growing pains of building a winner. People want instant gratification. Do you think Yankees fans remember the years prior to Derek Jeter and Co. showing up? Yeah they do, the team was horrendous. Through player development and amazingly brilliant planning, the Yankees have created the ability to run their team the way they do right now. Do they spend more than everyone else? Yes. But they have earned that right.

So BronBron is simply the biggest example of bandwagon hopping in recorded human history. Except instead of buying that Laker jersey and declaring yourself a huge Laker fan, he gets to pick which jersey all the bandwagon hopping fans will buy this winter. Believe me, they will be all over the place and if you’re anything like me, you’ll want to use them to wipe your ass.

Do you think that BronBron and his moronic advisors would have pulled this stunt over the past two or three years if any of them had an iota of college education? Before you jump down my throat and say that you can be an intelligent person without a college education, let me tell you that yes, I do believe that as well. However, I think that we can all agree that most people actually benefit from the college learning experience?

Think about it. This is really the first actual decision that BronBron and his moronic friends had to make. They didn’t pick a college. They didn’t pick a team to play for. His toughest life decision to date was whether or not he really wanted to tank in the second round of this year’s NBA Playoffs. Sure, college guys have made stupid decisions, but I have to believe that if BronBron wasn’t surrounded by enablers with pea-brained delusions of grandeur, the marketing and PR nightmare that he will have to deal with for the foreseeable future could have been avoided.

It really boils down to the fact that our society has reached a point where more people think “me” before “we”. Everyone wants the easy way out of every single situation. Nobody really wants to have to work for something. If they really did, they would find that the thing that was so hard and you busted your ass for? It is so much more rewarding to know you did it yourself.

We live in a world filled with enablers. No one wants to take responsibility for anything, from second round playoff exits to oil spills. Everyone wants the easy way out. Everyone wants all their wildest dreams to be simply handed over to them on a plate. BronBron wanted all those things. The Cavs let him pick their coach, pick their GM. Then, they fired those very people because it’s believed to be what BronBron wanted. They appeased him over and over, to the point where he is oblivious to the fact that he just infuriated about 90% of the sports fan base.

Yes, most of this is incoherent rambling. It’s hard to really form a concise and clear message about this situation for me because it has inexplicably pissed me off on so many levels, that I find it hard to think clearly when I think about BronBron. This petulant, egotistical, coward who is unwilling to fight the fight that hundreds of athletes have done before him, has gotten his way and found the easy way out.

If you disagree with me on any of this, think about this:

Take BronBron out and replace him with Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Bill Russell, Oscar Robertson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Paul Pierce, Kevin Durant, John Stockton, Patrick Ewing, Jerry Lucas, Isiah Thomas, David Robinson, Tim Duncan, Hakeem Olajuwon.

Now, imagine any one of those players doing what BronBron has done. You can’t even come close to believing it could happen can you?