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The Silence Ends As The Skeet Ulrich Atrocity Must Be Addressed
LOOK! It's Johnny Depp!! Johnny! Hey Joh...oh...it's Skeet Ulrich.
This is Skeet Ulrich. He is terrible. Just an awful, horrendous actor. He has more money than me. He’s made out with Jewel in a movie. Neve Campbell too. Am I jealous that such a hack is more successful than I am? Absolutely.
As has been the case for several weeks, it’s been quite some time since I’ve written anything on this blog. It’s the rare combination of real life work responsibilities making me feel compelled to, you know, succeed at my job. Normally, I would blow that stuff right off and move along with incoherent, disposable ramblings about movies and music and such. I’ve also been trying my best to get at least one post a day up on MoviesOnline. For example, here’s the time I mocked Hobbits. I also took some time to tell you that yes, Lena Headey is hot. I also Twitter. A lot.
However, I noticed a piece of news today that compelled my brain to send signals to my fingers to type these words and put them on the Internet:
Skeet Ulrich is quitting “Law & Order: LA”. Let’s address some of things I’ve learned here.
- So…you’re telling me that there is a “Law & Order: LA”? What. The. Eff.
- How the hell can Skeet Ulrich quit a job? Isn’t that the equivalent of winning the Presidential Election and then telling the country that you were just kidding?
- How can a “Law & Order” show featuring Skeet Ulrich actually last long enough for him to decide to quit it?
- What in God’s name is Alfred Molina doing? Did he commit a heinous crime and his sentence involved starring on this sure-to-be-terrible show?
I admit, I’ve never watched a full episode of any “Law & Order”. I’m assuming I’m not missing much. I did watch the first episode of “Bob’s Burgers”. Meh. I’m a big fan of H. Jon Benjamin (voice of Bob), but the show seemed to be shooting for some quirky humor and kind of missed the mark. If anything, all I kept thinking about while listening to Benjamin’s voice was the far superior “Archer” on FX, on which Benjamin voices the main character.
To sum up: skip all “Law & Order” shows. Maybe kinda sorta give “Bob’s Burgers” a shot. If you don’t watch “Archer”, get off my Internet.
The Time That Zombies Attacked My Fraternity House & I Used My Black Ops Skills To Defend It
Lots has happened since I lasted posted something on Cinematically Correct. For one, we all celebrated Thanksgiving. Well, all of us except those damn dirty Commies trying to destroy our economy. We also went through Black Friday (a fantastic Steely Dan song BTW) and are currently enduring Cyber Monday, which as we all know is about this:
http://twitter.com/#!/Chiccywood/status/9248368643538944
Ha. But seriously, plenty has happened. Bad Korea is upset over Good Korean calling them names and stuff, some guy named Wiki leaked all over the place, and more importantly, I wrote a review of the fifth episode of “The Walking Dead”. Get your priorities straight and read the ramblings of a mediocre writer made further unreadable due to sleep deprivation.
But on to the real task at hand. Last night, I woke up at some point in the middle of a fairly odd dream combining several things that I had recently watched. Obviously, they had been rattling around in my head brain and were combined in a fiery ball of flaming fire. For some reason, my mind had combined “The Walking Dead”, Call of Duty: Black Ops, and my fraternity house to create a monstrosity that could not be slept through. Certainly someone was trying to go all “Inception” on me and I snaked my way out of it. I’m clever like that, so stop trying to infiltrate my dreams DiCaprio.
My fraternity house (which I haven’t visited in over ten years) has three floors. I should say “had” three floors as the charter was pulled by the University and the house turned into apartments thus destroying years of my youth…I digress. On the back of the house is a large wooden fire escape. Yes, it’s wood. That way, if the house caught on fire, it would too. Genius, I know.
I found myself perched atop the fire escape, rifle in hand, plugging away at the oncoming zombie horde. Of course, this was all done in first person shooter style, complete with a laser sight and everything. I laid there and fired away, only stopped by annoying sorority girls (are there another kind?) and the occasion zombie that staggered past my defenses. I even shot a few rival fraternity members just in case they may be zombies. Look, just because a zombie is saying, “Hey, please don’t shoot me! I’m a real guy!” doesn’t mean they are telling the truth. If anything, zombies are a very dishonest bunch of non-dead dead people.
So I shot at what had to be tens of zombies, alley cats, prostitutes (except when dead, they’re called hookers), West Virginia University graduates, Green Party members, etc. You know, all menace to society type people. Oddly enough, I’m a very non-violent person when I’m not playing a video game that awards you bonus points for shooting someone in the face or stabbing them specifically in the back. I’m a big believer in the right to bear arms, but I truly despise guns. That’s not a joke. That’s a rare actual opinion that I really, really hold.
I woke up before I really got a chance to understand how the zombies came to be. It would be super if I could learn why I felt the need to defend a fraternity house that I haven’t seen since Al Gore thought he could be President. You would think I would want to guard my actual home today. Of course, it’s only in danger from a guy that looks like the Predator and several large barking squirrels so there’s really no danger there.
Cinematically Correct note: This is really all I’ve got today. [whispers] I’m sorry.
Today’s Good Rubicon Tweets That Are So Good Because They Are About Rubicon Which Is Good
You can do cool stuff with Tweets now. So, here are some Tweets from Twitter about Rubicon being cancelled. People are so not happy AMC. You really, really dropped the ball here.
Cinematically Correct note: There isn’t a ton of content here. This is mostly me seeing how cool it looks to grab Tweets like this. Yeah, I’m a dork, which may be why I effing loved “Rubicon…you sumbitch bastards at AMC.
http://twitter.com/richarderobbins/status/2800382283616256
http://twitter.com/witchyflickchic/status/2809188279390208
Not sure who this guy is…
http://twitter.com/Chiccywood/status/2855369483227136
And a funny reply…
Did AMC Let The Zombies Eat Rubicon’s Brain?
Maybe AMC will change their mind if I threaten to stop blogging unless they bring this back?
Today, AMC announced they are not going to bring “Rubicon” back for a second season. Let me put this bluntly: THIS IS COMPLETE UTTER TOTAL NONSENSE ON THE HIGHEST LEVEL THAT IT MAKES ME HAVE CRAZY HEAD.
As you may have guessed, I was a huge fan of this show. I love conspiracy theory and this show was filthy with it. It had some very cool and quirky characters, most notably the main character played by James Badge Dale, Will Travers. Not only were the characters very cool, but this show was able to give you answers to all kinds of mysteries but without showing you every card in its hand. It fed you just enough information to not frustrate you, but maintained enough secrecy to keep you guessing.
Most people think this show got the ax because of the overwhelming ratings response to “The Walking Dead”. There is no way a show like “Rubicon” was ever in a million years going to score with young people the way a show about zombies overrunning America would. It’s just not going to happen. “Rubicon” takes patience. It takes thought. It demands your attention.
Dammit. Guess I should say that it demanded your attention. Bye “Rubicon”, I just didn’t get to know you enough.
Cinematically Correct note: I like “The Walking Dead” and you can read my reviews of those on MoviesOnline.ca. Here: Episode #1 and Episode #2.
Cinematically Correct note: Suck it AMC.
After Two Shows, Conan Does What He Does Best: Be Conan
Greatest album cover of all time.
For the first time in a long time, I’ve made it a point to flip over to a late night talk show for two straight nights. There’s something familiar about it though. Oh yeah! The last time I did it was for the same guy.
That’s right, Conan O’Brien is back and I’m all in. I’m not one of those Team Coco people that obsess over him and think he’s the greatest comedic invention since Andy Kaufman, but I’m definitely a fan. Of all the hosts, he’s my favorite, mostly because Jay Leno is such a kiss-ass and David Letterman just seems like such a bitter old guy these days.
The new TBS show is two nights in and it’s been okay so far. There haven’t been many gut-busting bits, perhaps because they are still working out whether or not Conan can use his old NBC characters. He seems to take pleasure in taking shots at NBC and TBS, maybe a bit too much. Well, I don’t mind ripping NBC so much, but he needs to lay off TBS a bit. I’m very aware that I’m watching TBS and, for no good reason, it’s really weird to me. As far as I knew, TBS was the station that shows me eight straight hours of “Family Guy” and have the audacity to further the pathetic, unfunny career of George Lopez. Oh yeah, they used to show the Atlanta Braves.
So far, the two highlights of the new Conan have been the musical guests. It was great fun watching Jack White and Conan rock out and share a mic on the first show. Last night, Soundgarden freaking killed it. Flat out sick. That being said, the show is definitely still getting its feet under itself. I mean, when the musical guests have been the real highlights so far, you’re eventually going to have to step it up and bring more funny to the table.
I Survived The Great Philly Sports Depression Weekend & All I Get Is To Come To Work Today?
Rare photo of Cinematically Correct shortly after the Phillies loss on Saturday night.
It’s been a rough weekend. On Friday, I chose to stay in and watch the New York Yankees get their face kicked in by the Texas Rangers, en route to their first World Series ever. Yes, it’s very exciting for them. However, I knew that meant I would be coming to work today and be surrounded by several brand new lifelong Rangers fans. As a demented Philadelphia fan since birth, the sheer idea of bandwagon and fair-weather fandom is beyond my comprehension. To see it regarding the Rangers to the extreme that I am seeing it today, really makes what happened on Saturday night even more nauseating.
See, I now have to spend the next week hearing about the silly Texas Ranger franchise in the World Series without my beloved Phillies playing them. Instead, the Rangers are going to get to annihilate a pieced together team full of cast-offs. I’ll give them a handful of players (Lincecum, Posey, etc.) but Cody Ross? Released by the Marlins this season. Pat Burrell? Released by the Rays and out of baseball for about a week. Aubrey Huff? He’s been on every team in the league. So, the combo of Rangers in the World Series and the pathetic scrub roster of the Giants makes the Phillies loss even more exceptionally painful.
Then, the Eagles go and blow a lead yesterday and get smoked by the Titans. One would think that Kenny Britt beat up enough people over the weekend, but I guess he felt the Eagles secondary needed one as well. Ellis Hobbs, to be specific. I won’t go into analysis here, as I would like to avoid going completely batshit insane.
The good news is that I did watch the final episode of AMC’s “Rubicon”. What a great first season. It’s suspenseful, dramatic, and way, way smart. It’s probably too smart for its own good. The only issue I have is that it did kind of end in an anti-climatic way. I guess I expected the bad guy to get his come-uppance. Instead, it’s kind of set up for an ongoing power struggle, which is fun times.
The bad news? This pains me. Deeply. “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” has not been good. It’s just…I don’t know. It feels so forced. I really liked “Mac’s Big Break” with the Flyers game and the podcasting, but overall? Bad season. It started off really poorly and it’s tried hard to recover, but it feels like it’s running on fumes. Of course, it’s hard to beat the greatness of “The World Series Defense”, which is the gold standard.
So yeah. That’s really all I’ve got. Follow me on Twitter. Root for the Rangers. Or the Giants. I don’t care…as long as you also hope the Dallas Cowboys lose tonight. That’s really all that matters people.
Good TV Shows That I’ve Recently Watched On My TV
My entertainment center. Full HD in a 10" screen. Jealous?
The Fall TV season is underway and I’ve begun to catch up on my DVR Backlog. It’s kind of strange, but I really can’t even remember the nights that most shows actually air. That’s how dependent I am on the DVR.
There are a handful of shows I haven’t started watching yet. For some reason, I like to let two or three episodes collect on the DVR, then watch them all in a row. Oh, who I am kidding? I do this so I have a reason to not move for three to four hours every Saturday afternoon. It’s tremendous.
Here’s what I think so far:
- By far, my favorite new show right now is AMC’s “Rubicon”. If you are into following a massive government conspiracy being solved by several neurotic eggheaded analysts, then my friends, I’ve found your show. It also helps that Arliss Howard is freaking tremendous in it. Did I mention that not only is Mike Hammer in it, but he apparently has a penchant for banging his receptionist? No? Well he does. Mike Hammer bangs his receptionist.
- The runner up for favorite new show is ABC’s “Detroit 187”. Yeah, it’s just another cop show with the same old one crime solved per episode cop show standard. Normally, that means the show gets the immediate ax for me. However, after about ten minutes, I completely worshipped Michael Imperioli’s character. Honestly, this is the type of role that wins people an Emmy. The show isn’t too involved, so the potential for a large audience is there, and the role is really quirky, funny, and still has an edge of intensity. Insert more pretentious praise here and you should watch this show.
- This is painful: So far, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”…has…been…sub-par…faint. They have been a few zingers and one liners that I find myself repeating but overall? Not so great.
- How great have the FX shows become? I’ve not watched “Sons Of Anarchy” but I understand it’s great and my love of “Louie” and “Archer” is not a secret. In fact, the best thing about “It’s Always Sunny” so far have been the “Archer” promos. I simply cannot wait for the new season…and neither should you.
- Oh yeah. FX. The new show “Terriers” isn’t bad at all. It’s pretty damn clever and funny. I dig seeing Donal Logue play such a cool character. That guy has been in tons of stuff and it would be great if he could finally get a big hit show.
- On the DVR and unwatched: “Boardwalk Empire”, “The Event”, “Bored To Death”, “Eastbound And Down”…yeah, I don’t know how I’m going to watch all these shows either. Especially since…
- ...the Philadelphia Phillies have the best record in the National League, are about to become NL East Champs for the fourth year in a row, and possibly be the odds on favorite to win the World Series for the second time in three years.
This Is The Best News About Two Lost Cast Members That You Will Read In At Least Today
J.J. Abrams could pitch a remake of "Cop Rock" or "My Mother, The Car" & networks would listen.
There hasn’t been a ton of noise coming from the former cast of the greatest show that you’ve ever seen (“Lost”…duh) lately. Daniel Dae Kim is in “Hawaii-Five-O” but that just has to be terrible. There is a tiny rumor out there that Josh Holloway is being considered for the part of Roland in the Ron Howard TV-movie-massive entertainment onslaught that is “The Dark Tower”. That would be awesome news.
But now, after a few weeks of speculation, it is official: two Losties are getting back together. Terry O’Quinn and Michael Emerson are going to film a pilot for NBC which, naturally, is being executive produced by J.J. Abrams, who either does not need sleep or has been cloned like Doug in “Multiplicity”. Obviously, the retarded J.J. clone created “Undercovers” and “Felicity” while the smart J.J. clone was responsible for stuff like “Lost”, “Alias”, and “Star Trek”.
Like every Abrams project, details are kept under wraps as if they were the Masons hiding Jack The Ripper. Or LBJ hiding who really killed Kennedy. Or Obama’s birth certificate. Or other arbitrarily funny things that people idiotically think are massive conspiracies.
Sorry. Sidetracked. The show is rumored to be about two ex-black ops agents. As much as I love these guys starring in a show together, the casting just doesn’t make any sense. I mean…neither of them are black. Clearly.
Okay. Stop reading this now. See what Twitter has done to me? I can’t write one blog post about anything that could remotely be seen as journalism, news, and/or importance. It’s a sad state of affairs. Probably the saddest thing to ever happen to an American human being person ever.
Badass Overload: Phillies In First Place & The Return Of “It’s Always Sunny”
Nothing will ever beat "The World Series Defense". Nothing.
We begin with Mac’s letter to Philadelphia Phillies Future Hall Of Fame Second Baseman and Overall Handsome Man, Chase Utley:
“Dear Chase, I feel like I can call you Chase because you and me are so much alike. I would love to meet you some day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can’t throw as fast as you but I think you would be impressed with my speed. I love your hair. You run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have not been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did, and I hope you write back this time and we get to be good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real ‘home run.'”
If you know me, you know that the from that moment on, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” became the nexus of my very being. Not a day goes by in which I don’t think about the physical strength, albeit glamor muscles, of Mac. The charity of Sweet Dee. The inventive nature of Dennis. The elder wisdom of Frank.
And Charlie. Sweet, precocious, adorable Charlie. He’s really just a bundle of hugs and feathers and magic. When he runs around as Green Man, it truly warms my heart to its very core.
If you choose to repeat any of this, please quote me directly. I do not appreciate being paraphrased as I choose my words very deliberately.
The Fall TV Schedule With Shows That Are So Good That You’ll Want To Be Watching Because This Schedule Is So Good
This blog feels neglected. Last week, my job kept me from blogging and recording my first acoustic solo album of alt-country covers. I was going to originally call it Dr. Mantis Toboggan Presents, but now I’ve decided to operate under the name Nicotine Jedi. I’m going with a Bonnie Prince Billy or Bon Iver type deal. You know, a band name even though I’m only one guy with an acoustic guitar, an iMac, and a bunch of alone time.
So this morning during my weekly sales meeting, I figured up my 2010 Fall TV schedule. The removal of “Lost” has left a gigantic void in my life, as it is has for society in general. Pray for me America. Pray so very, very hard.
So here’s the schedule. Mark you DVRs accordingly.
Monday
- The Event, 9 PM, NBC
- Lone Star, 9 PM, Fox
- Hawaii Five-O, 10 PM, CBS
Tuesday
- No Ordinary Family, 8 PM, ABC
- Raising Hope, 9 PM, Fox
- Running Wilde, 9:30 PM, Fox
- Detroit 1-8-7, 10 PM, ABC
Wednesday
- Undercovers, 8 PM, NBC
- Terriers, 10 PM, FX
Thursday
- The Office, 9 PM, NBC
- It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, 10 PM, FX
Friday
- Good Guys, 9 PM, Fox
Sunday
- Boardwalk Empire, 9 PM, HBO
- Bored To Death, 10 PM, HBO
There are also two shows that aren’t on the schedule yet: “V” and “Archer”. Those will definitely make the first cut.
Cinematically Correct 
“Deep Thoughts”, By You